Day 1

One of the first lessons of the TFL's convention in Baltimore is that not everything is as good as it seems. The savvy fantasy football owner would think that I'm speaking of Detroit Lions running back Jahmyr Gibbs, one of the hottest rookies in this draft class.

After all, someone has to replace Jamaal Williams and the NFL-leading 17 touchdowns he scored in 2022. And yet, there was the hot rookie standing on the sidelines watching grizzly veteran David Montgomery get all the carries and the touchdown in the Lions' season opening stunner of defending champion Kansas City on Thursday night.

But no, we are not talking football. Scott Lacy and Wit Tuttell booked a bed-and-breakfast online, dazzled by the 90 photos and great price of one location that was near the Inner Harbor.

Then much like Gibbs owners, reality struck. Lacy and Tuttell arrived and called for the code that would let them into their expected palace. Instead, they were told the unit was closed for maintenance and they had no place to stay.

No problem, the shady owner of the BNB said, we have another unit for you. It's not as nice, it's not near the Inner Harbor, it certainly doesn't have 90 enticing photos to draw you in, but you can have it for the same price.

The classic bait-and-switch scam. You think you're buying Jamaal William's production, and what you're actually getting is D'Andre Swift.

And that is how the first day of the 2023 TFL Convention in Baltimore began. It ended with a brick and some broken glass, a trip to Little Italy, and one owner brow-beating a poor unsuspecting kid into changing the name of his team.

Lacy doesn't take being scammed well. He demanded a full refund from Airbnb instead of going along with the scammers. Was he sure they were scammers and it just wasn't some poor sap who had a busted pipe and no choice but to close the unit?

"I spent a lot of time on the phone with them," Lacy said. "These are not good guys."

The Carolina twins ended up renting a place at the Residence Inn. Only a few minutes in and Lacy had already proclaimed this "the worst convention ever." That led to a 12-minute diatribe on Voxer complaining about Baltimore, one of Lacy's least favorite cities. Convention host Steve Katz overheard Ken Sain playing that message, and took it personally. No one likes to hear their home trashed.

While Lacy and Tuttell settled into the Residence Inn, which Lacy said isn't anything like the one they have stayed in at previous convention cities, Mike Taylor, Mike Woelflein and Sain all arrived at the airport at about the same time. Katz, before hearing his city being disrespected, was trying to put Baltimore's best foot forward by picking them all up and taking them to their hotel.

They are staying at the Tru by Hilton in the Inner Harbor. Imagine a big corporate giant like Hilton wanting to try and create an Andy Warhol-inspired hotel, and you get the picture. Instead of comfort, they went for modern art.

Woelf immediately went to work, something that he says he will have to do a lot this weekend. And Taylor took a nap, having woke early for his flight.

Katz escorted Sain to a nearby CVS so he could get some supplies. The trip was nearly derailed because one of the pre-draft rituals, draft day M&Ms, were behind some glass and a lock at the local CVS. Sain's mood was nearly as sour as Lacy's at this point. "Locking up the M&Ms!" "I"m not stalking through the aisles of the CVS to find someone to open that up!"

Well, Katz had just about had it with the disrespecting of his home town. I won't describe what happened, at least not until the statute of limitations passes to prevent one TFL owner from getting locked up. I will say, however, that the M&Ms were freed. Just ignore the broken glass and brick that was laying underneath.

Katz, you're a good man.

As for Lacy, please forgive his sour mood. It was a disappointing trip getting here. First, Google maps says it takes 4 hours and 53 minutes to make the trip from Durham, NC to Baltimore, MD. Lacy made it in four days.

That takes a lot of crisscrossing and meandering, which is Lacy's preferred manner of travel. But it also means a lot of stops at fast food restaurants, which in this case was a disaster.

One McDonald's had a 20-minute wait. Another "fast" food place was out of lettuce. Another out of fries. Employees were few, and not exactly motivated to do their jobs. Seemed every place he stopped was out of some key ingredient.

He decided to come to Baltimore via the Eastern Shore, which is Maryland's Trump Country. He was hoping for a scenic drive along the ocean.

"I won't be doing that again. Definitely not worth it."

So even before he was the victim of a scam, he was in a foul mood.

Tuttell had his own issues. His wife demanded that he clear away the brush behind their homes before he ran off to play fantasy games with his buddies. So Wit spent hours under a hot North Carolina sun clearing away brush, and as it turned out, some poisoned oak. Now he's got the scars from that adventure for everyone to see, with his arms and legs covered in blisters.

Worst convention ever might be too nice a description, but there's still time for Baltimore to rally.

The owners tried to coordinate dinner, which is tough enough when everyone is in the same hotel. It's much worse when they're in different hotels. The Residence Inn is about a mile from the Tru Warhol place, so Lacy and Tuttell rented some electric scooters to make the journey. And of course, they ended up at the wrong place because they didn't check their Voxer messages.

Katz, Taylor, Woelflein and Sain, which sounds like a great legal firm, ended up in Little Italy. It's a great neighborhood just across the street from their hotel filled with fantastic Italian restaurants. Woelf said it would be a crime to come all the way here and be this close and not get at least one meal there.

Lacy and Tuttell headed for the bar where the guys planned to watch the opening game, Venice Cafe.

Sain took the guys to his favorite Italian place when he lived in Baltimore, Amicci's on High Street. They each ordered their favorite Italian dishes and all gave enthusiastic thumbs up. Eventually, Lacy and Tuttell hunted them down, but decided they didn't have enough time to order food before the game began. So they headed back to the Venice Cafe early to get some bar food there.

One of the topics at dinner was the death of Scoop Bias, who died in 2020 from a COVID-19 infection.

"Scoop's dead?" Woelflein said.

"No!" Taylor said.

It's sad a long-time fixture like Scoop Bias could pass and some owners didn't notice.

It pains me to write the next comment from Woelf: "If Scoop's dead, then who wrote last year's report?"

No one notices the byline.

After trying to figure out how much automatic gratuity was charged to their cards, the other four joined them for the Chiefs vs. Lions game. They watched the first half in the bar, then returned to the Tru for the second half.

It was during the second half that Wit had a video call from his son, the newest member of the league. Taylor was none too happy with Lil' Bit over the name of his team. Originally, he was assigned "Team 19" by CBS's web site. Feehan changed that to his preferred name, "Los Matadores de Madrid."

He should keep it "Team 19," Taylor said. "That's a great name."

Wit pointed out the North Carolina State freshman will turn 19 years of age soon.

Taylor went on and on with the poor kid, telling him how it sounded scientific, like something made in a lab. Eventually, Feehan waved the white flag. By midnight, his franchise's name had been changed back to "Team 19," which is a clear violation of the TFL's long-standing tradition that every franchise must have a geographic base.

There hasn't been a team without a geographic base since Zeke's Freaks, which was only around for about three minutes or so.

That's how the first day of this convention ended. Katz avoided jail, Tuttell and Lacy aren't sleeping in a cardboard box in an alley, Woelf is still working, and Taylor is celebrating the birth of Team 19.

No one would say the Baltimore convention is off to a great start, but it is off to an interesting one.

Day 2

Penobscot River owner Mike Woelflein's reaction to this reporter's strike was about what you might expect.

Told Hack Scrivner took off for a Key West beach to drink margaritas and eat cheeseburgers in paradise because TFL owners kept giving a dead man credit for his work ... Woelf said, "What an ego."

Like there's ever been a writer in history without an ego.

Day 2 of the 2023 TFL Convention started slowly, picked up steam in the afternoon, and then concluded with a delightful change of plans. It was actually a fun day that might have washed away some of the bitterness of the disappointments of Day 1.

Woelflein had work to do to start the Friday, so after he and Taylor figured out how to make the pancake-making machine work in the hotel atrium, he set up shop in the lobby and got to work.

Scott Lacy and Wit Tuttell were still dealing with the fallout from the bait-and-switch scam that opened the convention. They were busy trying to make Marriott and Hilton, two corporate rivals who don't like each other much, work together so that the league had a place to draft Saturday night.

The Marriott Residence Inn was unable to give the pair adjoining rooms, which they would need to accommodate seven owners. Since Marriott failed to live up to what they promised Wit when he booked the rooms, he wanted them to let him out of his deal.

Scott had found a room large enough for the draft at the Homewood Suites, not too far from the Tru where the rest of the owners are staying. But before they could book it, they had to get Marriott to agree to let them go so they could give business to Hilton (which runs Homewood Suites).

We wouldn't want to say there was a lot of yelling and screaming and throwing of furniture, because that would paint TFL owners in a bad light. The 4-year-old girl hit by the ottoman is expected to fully recover, by the way.

Steve Katz spent the morning in his Columbia apartment, the same one he has been living in for three decades. Knowing the TFL owners as he does, he figured they wouldn't get out of bed until at least 11 and wouldn't be ready for lunch until 2 or so. So Steve slept in until 10 and wasn't ready to join the others until they had already been going at it for a few hours.

He was wrong, of course. That version of TFL owners was from their 20s and 30s. This group is in their 50s and 60s. And they are beginning to show their age. Ken Sain claims to have some sort of bone spur in the center of his left heel, which makes walking painful. Katz is contemplating rotator cuff surgery. Tuttell is covered in blisters.

Lacy, Taylor and Woelflein are still poster boys for how to age gracefully, but the other half are the cautionary tale.

With the other four either working, ripping some poor hotel employee apart or sleeping in, Sain and Taylor decided to walk over to the Inner Harbor and check out Baltimore's top tourist attraction.

And it was just about what you would expect from a tourist trap. Want to visit the National Aquarium? That will be $50. Want to step on board and check out the four historic ships? $20 please.

The ships are indeed the highlight of strolling around the Inner Harbor. The USS Constellation was built in 1854 out of material from the frigate USS Constellation. It is the last sail-only war ship built by the U.S. Navy and is a sloop-of-war.

The frigate Constellation was commissioned in 1797.

The other ships available to tour are the lightship Chesapeake, that guided boats into the Inner Harbor starting in 1939; the submarine USS Torsk, which sunk a ship off the coast of Japan in World War II; and the U.S. Coast Guard Cutter Taney, famed for being the last ship still floating that was involved in the bombing of Pearl Harbor.

An unexpected highlight is a Brazilian training warship, the Brasil, was docked in the harbor as well and its sailors were busy loading supplies and unloading garbage when Taylor and Sain walked past.

When the pair made it back to the Tru, their review was so good it prompted Woelf to make the same walk, albeit by himself, after he got caught up on his work.

About this time Lacy and Tuttell had wrapped up their hotel fight and ensured the tiny girl would survive. Thoughts went to food. Steve had recommended at small deli not too far away, but didn't want to get lunch until mid-afternoon.

That was no bueno for the rest of the guys. So, they asked Sain for another recommendation, happy with his choice of Amicci's the night before. He suggested Miss Shirley's, which was his favorite brunch spot when he lived in Baltimore.

It was another winner. Katz eventually joined them and all said the food was great. Tuttell, Katz and Sain each got the Cuban sandwich, making it the second straight year Cubans have made an appearance at the convention.

All agreed these did not compare with the great Cubans they had a year ago at Jeff Houck's restaurant. But they did come with an interesting twist. These were Cubans Huevos, a basic Cuban with a fried egg added. We're sure Houck would not approve, since he literally wrote the book on proper Cuban sandwiches, but what he doesn't know will save them the dressing down.

It was actually pretty good.

After lunch, Woelf once again retreated to the hotel to work. The other five made their way to the Babe Ruth Birthplace Museum, not far from Camden Yards. Most of them traveled via electric scooters, bringing back a practice first started in Atlanta.

Baltimore is actually a great city for scooters, because it has wide bike lanes all over the downtown area. It's actually faster to travel by scooter than it is by car, because traffic is awful. Probably because they gave up so many auto lanes to convert them to bike lanes.

The admission price at Babe's house was reasonable, only $13, and it was actually a nice experience.

The original plan was to attend a Bowie Baysox game, but the prospect of a long drive was daunting. So they changed it.

First, there was a disagreement over dinner. Katz was determined to get the guys to eat crab cakes, a Baltimore staple. But the best crab cakes were miles away.

We're on the doorstep of Little Italy and many great Italian places, but they had Italian the night before.

Sain suggested a convention favorite, barbecue. But, without Mark Dolan's guidance, the prospect of trying to find quality barbecue ... it was a little scary.

They settled on a place not far from the Tru. As Wit said, "Even if it's bad barbecue, it's still barbecue."

However, that place was closed for a special event. Bastards.

They ended up heading over to the Venice Tavern, where they watched the game the night before. There, they got traditional bar food. However, Wit ordered crab bites, so at least they got a taste of the local flavor.

After dinner they went to Five Iron Golf, which is next door to the Tru. It's a bar with a lot of games to entertain. Most of they place is set aside for golf simulators, where folks can work on their strokes. However, they also had a ping pong table.

This is the second straight convention that ping pong was played. They did not have an official tournament in Tampa a year ago, though everyone agrees Taylor was the best.

This year's was official. And, top-seeded Taylor prevailed, defeating Woelflein in the title round. Katz did not participate because of his rotator cuff, and Sain sat out with his bum heel.

Day 2 was complete, and most agreed Baltimore is rallying. The only negative of the day was the strike by the only reporter willing to cover this venture, who was looking for his lost shaker of salt while TFL owners were praising Scoop Bias (1958-2000) for work he did not do.

Day 3

There's an adage about too many cooks, and that would be the cause of too many heated arguments on the third day of the 2023 TFL Convention in Baltimore.

But we'll get to that.

A day that would end with fingers pointing (usually the middle one), raised voices and an asshole did not start out that way. It was actually a very good day, one that led many of the owners attending the convention to thinking Baltimore may be one of the better ones they've been to.

Mike Taylor and Mike Woelflein hopped on scooters, perhaps the greatest invention ever, and did their own tour of the Inner Harbor. They zoomed over to Camden Yards, M&T Bank Stadium, and even Fort McHenry, the War of 1812 fort where a sea battle provided the inspiration for Francis Scott Key to write the Star-Spangled Banner.

One thing they learned is that the scooters know when they're in places they are not supposed to be. As soon as they entered the grounds of Fort McHenry, they stopped working.

The pair said it was a great morning and they very much enjoyed their tour.

They were joined by Scott Lacy, Wit Tuttell and Ken Sain for lunch at Abbey's Burger Bistro in Federal Hill. They ended up taking over the top floor and monopolizing their own bartender, who was terrific. He started his own trivia company, so he would ask them trivia questions, and challenged the guys to try and stump him with any of their best trivia.

Steve Katz did not join them.

The bartender also talked about how women had led him to pretty much every wrong choice he had made in his life. Very entertaining lunch, and the burgers were excellent.

At 3 p.m., Lacy and Tuttell had to head back, needing to be out of the Residence Inn by 4, and check in to the Homewood Suites to prepare for draft night. Back on the scooters they went, and more zooming through downtown, this time with the threat of a storm in the air.

The owners picked up supplies, the hotel staff eagerly provided extra chairs, Will Bourque arrived to draft for his dad. There were smiles and laughs everywhere you looked.

What a great day, nothing could possibly go wrong ....

And then the draft started and everything went to shit. Ken Sain had admonished all the owners present who had picks between 1 and 6 to stay the hell away from Justin Jefferson. And they did. Unfortunately, Tyler Ramey wasn't at the draft and didn't get the memo, taking Jefferson with the fifth pick. Bastard.

Sain expressed his unhappiness to those present, leading to many an eye roll.

When it was Sain's turn to pick at No. 7, he found Ja'Marr Chase and clicked on his name, hitting the draft button. And he was awarded Tony Pollack from the hated Dallas Cowboys. Apparently there's video floating around the Internet of Sain's meltdown when he noticed it.

It is now known as the Mouse-Flying Incident.

It would be many rounds before they figured out what happened. For some reason, five different owners -- nearly a third of the league -- have administrator control of the CBS site. One of the powers is the ability to draft on behalf of other owners. It appears noted Cowboys fan Casey Brogan, who was drafting after Sain, attempted to put Pollard in his queue because it was likely he would draft him.

And when it became Sain's turn, and while Kenny was hunting down Chase's name, Casey hit DRAFT instead of QUEUE. And that's how Pollard ended up on Sain's roster. Then when Sain hit draft, thinking he was getting Chase, he went to Casey instead.

Let the yelling and screaming begin. Tuttell, who had just been given administrative control since he is now the league's official bookie, wisely paused the draft while they tried to figure out what happened. He decided the best course was to reverse it and allow Sain and Brogan to make their picks again, this time getting the players they wanted.

And for the owners not in the room ... they had no idea what the hell was going on. Draft suspended, picks undone, new picks made. It smelled of shenanigans, and they made sure everyone knew they didn't like it.

Which is understandable. The people in the room were busy trying to both understand what went wrong and why, and how best to fix it. No one took the time to tell those not in the room what was happening.

All of that might have been easily overcome, except it kept happening over and over and over again. Even the anal Sain hit the damn draft button a pick too soon, saddling Charles Bingham with a player he didn't want. Another time Tyler Ramey let his clock tick down waiting until the last second to hit the draft button. He was late, got a player the computer picked, and then drafted a player the team behind him had no interest in.

And every time Tuttell, who was the hero of the draft, would stop it, back it up, and let the owners repick. It sounds like in the end every owner got the team they wanted, but damn it was mighty painful getting there.

It was around Round 8 or 9 that Sain guessed at the why this was happening. Lacy tried removing administrative powers for everyone but Wit to keep it from happening again. But at some point, the dreaded draft button reappeared on Sain's screen.

There were a lot of hurt feelings. Some owners wondered if those in the room were cheating. Words were typed that can never be Controlled Z'ed.

And poor Will Bourque is probably thinking he wants nothing to do with this group of crazies.

At the end of the draft, the owners in the room were finally able to explain what happened and why to those not in the room. However, at that point they had already stormed off and were looking for the launch codes.

It may take a while before the anger subsides and trust can be rebuilt. Not that the harsh feelings were limited to outside the draft room.

Woelf was saying his goodbyes, returning home early Sunday morning. He came up to Sain to shake his hand. In Kenny's usual classless manner, he noted that the two play each other in the first week.

"Looks like I'm up 28-0!" Sain said, having drafted two Lions who scored in the Thursday night game.

Woelf smiled, then turned away. Then said quietly, but loud enough for everyone to hear, "What an asshole."

Day 4

It may have started off as "the worst convention ever," but by Sunday night even Scott Lacy -- the author of those words -- was admitting they had been won over by Charm City.

The final day of the 2023 TFL Convention in Baltimore had the owners excitedly talking about where to go next, having had such a good time in Maryland that they weren't quite ready to leave fantasy and return to reality.

Mike Woelflein left in the morning, knowing that reality was going to be harsh when he got home. He had booked a trip with his teen-age son for a youth hockey tournament. When he decided to go to the convention, that meant his wife would have to take the trip.

And share a bed with their son. Who likes to flail about at night. Who, like most teen-age boys, has questionable hygiene. And that's just doing normal activities. Imagine what he smells like after a weekend of hockey.

Oh, the pay back on this one will hurt.

The other owners took advantage of the free hotel breakfast bars then made their way over to Lacy's and Tuttell's room. No matter the city, no matter the hotel, the Lacy-Tuttell room is always the hub of every convention. It's probably a pain in the ass for them, but they accept the role with a smile and a hearty welcome no matter who shows up knocking on their door (looking at you, Ken Sain).

Steve Katz had recommended the sports bar to watch the first round of Sunday NFL games, the City Limits in Locust Point.

It was about two miles away, being on the other side of the harbor from the hotels. The Katz Man offered to drive, which Sain and Mike Taylor joyfully accepted. Lacy and Tuttell were still having way too much fun zipping about on scooters to give that up just yet.

Of course, the boys on electric scooters arrived before those in the car. Part of that was the Baltimore downtown traffic, which sucks. Another part was Katz got lost.

Yes, the man who lives near Baltimore. Yes, the man who recommended the City Limits. Yes, the man who posted the City Limits address in their group chat.

He arrived at Fat Patties and announced, "We're here."

He only missed the mark by about a half mile.

Katz and Taylor jumped into the car and Steve tried again. Sain, however, wanted no part of that. He decided it was safer to walk the half mile than risk ending up in Delaware.

The City Limits is a traditional Baltimore row building and it was filled with football fans. Not as many TVs as most of the sports bars they have been to, but the food was excellent. The meat on the nachos and in the quesadilla had a little extra kick to it.

Being in Baltimore, the Ravens game was dominant. But if you looked around you could also see the Browns-Bengals and the 49ers-Steelers. For most of their time there, every team was struggling to score. So despite being with friends and enjoying good food, it was not very exciting. Instead, the slow dread of why won't my team freaking score lurked about.

After the first half, they headed back to the hotels. Tuttell and Sain risked another ride with Katz while Lacy and Taylor decided on the long walk back.

Anyone who has met Scott Lacy knows he loves his traditions. He has an entire pre-convention ritual. There's the annual placing of his new car registration tag on his vehicle to start the road trip. There's the pre-leaving for the convention meal at McDonald's (retire that one already). And about 100 others.

One of his traditions at the convention is a long walk on Sunday afternoon. It's usually by himself, giving him a chance to explore whatever city they're in. This time, Taylor joined him as they made the 2-mile walk around the harbor. All that water made it a joyful journey.

Sain disappeared to his room, trying to shake off a headache for the second time this weekend. Tuttell and Katz watched the rest of the NFL games in The Hub. Taylor and Lacy made it back in time for another TFL tradition, watching the US Open men's final. This time they were trying to bet on apps.

It was a new experience for Lacy and Tuttell, because sports betting via app is not yet legal in North Carolina (it's coming). Taylor desperately wanted to get money on Joker, but the stupid Draft Kings app has no visible section for tennis. So he gave up.

After Joker had won, and the second round of games ended, the boys were ready for dinner. Being the final meal together, Sain suggested they go back to Little Italy, which was just across the street. Lacy and Tuttell had missed the Little Italy meal Thursday. It would be a crime if they spent four days next to Little Italy and never got a good Italian meal.

Katz suggested Sabatino's. Both Taylor and Sain thought it wasn't as good as Amicci's, but it's impossible not to have a great meal in Little Italy. Everything's good.

The guys talked about where Baltimore ranks in convention lore, now that it was ending. All agreed despite its rocky start, it was in the top half. The area about the Inner Harbor is a great place for a convention. The city's charms had won them over.

They spoke of where they'd like to go next. Casey Brogan had suggested Detroit, or returning to a previous convention town, Chicago (something they've never done before). Mark Dolan had offered to host. Problem with that is they've been to most of the major cities in that area (St. Louis, Nashville, Indianapolis, etc.). Des Moines anyone?

There was a strong sentiment to try something different. Taylor had offered to host a convention on his ranch outside of Durango, Colorado.

And Ken Sain was pushing for Vancouver.

"Only four people would show up," Tuttell said.

No decision was reached, they will no doubt wait until August 2024 before deciding where they will go in September 2024.

As they walked back to the hotel to watch the Sunday night game, they posed together for a selfie with the lights of Little Italy in the background.

Another convention over. This was the 29th convention, can you believe that? Perhaps there will be a huge turnout for the 30th convention in 2024. Or maybe it will just be a small group of friends again like it was this year.

Wherever it is, they will be very lucky indeed if that site has half the charm that Baltimore gave them in 2023.