2005 TFL Convention: Cleveland

Day 1

Two old ladies are sitting near a newspaper kiosk in Cleveland Hopkins International Airport when a page over the loudspeakers catches their attention.

"Dr. Michael Taylor, professor of gridironology, please meet Paul Ramey near the shuttle bus stop."

The women looked at each other.

"Did you hear that, Ethel?"

"Yep, Mabel, it looks like the TFL is staging its annual convention in Cleveland this year."

And so it is. Ramey and Taylor were first to arrive and despite having agreed to meet at a predestined location and having each other's cell phone numbers, Ramey just couldn't resist announcing the arrival of the TFL for all in Cleveland to hear.

Steve Katz arrived soon after and Ken Sain not much longer after that. Scott Lacy left at 2 a.m. and stopped in southern Pennsylvania for some sleep at 6 a.m. Then he completed the journey.

Wit Tuttell had 10 phone messages on his phone when he landed at the airport asking him where he was at. He ignored them and made his way to the hotel.

Scheduled to arrive later tonight were Michael Continelli, Chris Reidy and Don Carlock. Michael Bourque and Mark Dolan announced they would be joining the group later this weekend, meaning 11 of the 16 teams were going to be present for this convention.

The other owners had sent in their regrets.

Once the owners checked in to these very spacious rooms, the talk turned into why are we renting a room at another hotel for the draft? The rooms here are big enough. Then, the owners learned that the hotel offers a great happy hour. Beginning at 6 and going through 7:30, free drinks.

Yes, free drinks.

Needless to say, the owners could be found in the loungue, staking out their territory nearest the bartenders.

It wasn't long until Mike Taylor's phone rang.

The ears are in the cornfield!" a mysterious voice on the other line said.

"Huh?" said Taylor, who had been enjoying the free beers.

"The ears are in the cornfield!!!! You know, the code!"

"Oh, yeah."

Taylor mysteriously left for a few minutes and then returned. Going mostly unnoticed by the other owners present was a strange person in the corner, with long black hair and a red baseball cap.

While the owners tried to get valuable information out of the Greatest Fantasy Football Mind in the Galaxy, the strange person in the corner listened in, laughing at the fact the disguise had fooled everyone in the room.

Soon, the stranger stood up and approached the crowd. Recognition invaded their faces and it was none other than Casey Brogan who took off the wig and showed his face as an unexpected, and quite pleasant surprise to this convention.

Brogan has been telling everyone for months that he would not be able to attend this year. About five weeks ago, he changed his mind, but told no one other than Taylor. He carried the really, really bad mullet wig through airport security, raising the concerns of the TSA just to get this payoff at the first night of the convention.

And he did. That means 12 of the 16 teams will be present for the draft. Alaska, Anchorage, Penobscot and Willow are missing out.

After the free drinks stopped being served, the owners decided on a change of venue. After 90 minutes or so of getting everyone gathered, they made their way to Cooperstown, not the Hall of Fame, but the sports bar near Jacobs Field. There, they met Mike Continelli, who is staying at the other hotel.

There, they had dinner and drinks and watched the first game of the season. Every owner present once again moaned about the horrible NFL idea of a Thursday night season opener and how that would impact the draft.

Sain wouldn't shut up about how he's certain his first week opponent will be the one to draft Randy Moss, because he's the one that gets screwed by this rule every year. Moss scored at least 12 points (and counting) on Thursday, and those points will count this week.

The owners slowly made their way back to the hotel, hoping to meet up with late arrivals Reidy and Carlock. Some made plans to get up early Friday and make the trip to Canton to visit the Pro Football Hall of Fame.

Back at the room, the boys watched the end of the Pats game--except for Taylor, who inexplicably chose to watch a chick flick in the other room. Reidy then phoned from the lobby to announce he was coming up, and so Casey redeployed his mullet wig and waited in the hall outside the room.

Reidy arrived, took one look at the homeless-looking Brogan, and made a beeline for the room. "Hey dude, wanna beer," Casey warbled, in his best drugged-out voice. "No thanks," said Reidy, ever the polite one, and began knocking urgently at the door. Once inside, after all had greeted Reidy, there was a knock at the door. The other owners asked Reidy to get the door, and when he opened it there was Brogan, still incognito. "Dude, is there a party in here?" Reidy, speechless, just stared at Brogan for a few uncomfortable seconds until it dawned on him. It was little bro!

A bit later, things got exciting when Brogan challenged Lacy to the semi-annual hotel room wrestling match. The two were deadlocked when Brogan's back gave way, sending him to the floor in pain. Taylor applied a chiropractic move that looked, well, a little gay ... but it worked, and Brogan was moving around a little better after a few minutes.

The evening concluded with an earnest discussion of the disparity in size between the penises of black and white men. Along the way Lacy divulged that current research indicates that the average, um, unit is 5.2 inches long. This came as a surprise to nearly everyone, though the exact "nature" of the surprise was not completely clear.

Big day tomorrow, with a Canton trip on the agenda and a possible trip to the Jake.

Day 2

Day 2 began much where Day 1 ended ... with a number of the TFL owners having had a little too much to drink. It wouldn't take long to find out exactly how much they overdrank.

Paul Ramey, Mike Taylor and Casey Brogan retired to their room at the Embassy Suites. These rooms are huge and one of the distinguishing features in each room is a large mirror that hangs in the hall between the bedroom and the sitting room.

Details of exactly what happened are a little vague. Many convention experts figure it will take many years before we get the truth of the matter. But here's the 'official story' that Mike Taylor is claiming for the moment.

He woke up in the middle of the night and walked toward the bathroom. Maybe he was walking a little too fast and created a strong wind, or maybe he actually did "nudge" the mirror. But when Ramey and Brogan woke up in the morning, the mirror had shattered into thousands of pieces and was all over the floor. Somehow in all that carnage, Taylor had avoided cutting himself.

The speculation of the true story centers of something waking Taylor up in the middle of the night, him grabbing his trusty tennis racket that he carries with him whenever the U.S. Open is being played. Knowing Brogan and Ramey were sleeping, he was startled when he saw a dark figure at the end of the hall. He raised the racket and beat the figure senseless, and only after did he realize it was his reflection in the mirror he was destroying.

But Taylor is mum for now, so we may never learn what really happened with that mirror.

In the morning, Taylor and Brogan were busy scheming on how to hide the crime.

"If we get rid of the evidence, they may not notice that it's gone!" Taylor said.

"Good idea," said Brogan.

Ramey was having none of that. It's his credit card on file and he figures at some point they'll notice at five-foot mirror missing and charge him for it.

He first approached the floor's maid, who told them to keep their shoes on and she'll take care of the mess. Then he went to the front desk.

"Um, the mirror in our room fell," Ramey said, knowing they'd never buy it. He hemmed and hawed and tried to come up with some explanation other than the 30 beer bottles in their room's trash cans.

"Perhaps it was the ghosts?" offered the receptionist.

"OK, let's go with that," Ramey said.

With the great mirror controversy behind them, the group began to gather for an outing to the Pro Football Hall of Fame. Donny Carlock was devoting Friday to his family, which made the trip to Cleveland with him. Scott Lacy could not make the journey because he had to get the coding worked out for the draft and start of the season.

So the other eight left, although Ken Sain had to be dragged kicking and screaming. The journey to Canton was mostly uneventful, but at one point Chris Reidy led his car past a giant sign that said "Canton this way ----->

Sain, seeing the sign, forced Mike Continelli to follow the sign. And they did. It was a three mile loop freeway that did not go to Canton, but looped back to hook up with the road they were already on.

Stupid traffic engineers.

Eventually, the group all arrived at a Subway where they had lunch before beginning the HOF tour. (Come to Cleveland, eat at a chain restaurant).

When they entered the HOF, Reidy spent a lot of time arguing with the cashier, trying to get permission for the TFL to stage its annual touch classic in the Hall Of Fame Stadium, which sits next to the HOF and is host to the annual Hall of Fame Classic NFL exhibition game every August.

She said no.

The eight toured the building and enjoyed it much more than most thought they would. One of the favorites was inside the actual Hall of Fame itself, where they have six computer monitors that will play highlights of each person inducted into the Hall.

O.J. Simpson was the most played. Earl Campbell right behind him. Reidy had to play Jack Youngblood, being that he was both a Gator and a Ram. Sain would drag other owners over and force them to watch Michael Haynes highlights, since he's the only Sun Devil in the Hall.

During this, someone suggested a few owners make a distraction so that a couple of others could carry Bob Griese's bust the hell out of there, since it really has no business being in the HOF itself.

Sain wanted to watch the footage of Griese's highlight, but seriously, watching him hand off the ball to Larry Czonka -- how boring.

One exhibit had an NFL trivia contest. Continelli took an early lead, but Sain rallied from behind to move in front going into the last question. Somehow, Continelli ended up with a right answer on the final question to win that contest.

The ride home proved interesting in one car. Continelli began to drill Steve Katz over his love life like a prosecutor questioning O.J. Simpson. He looked for every bit of information on the Russian women chasing after Katz and his bank account.

Then he went after Ramey, wanting to know if he's ever cheated on his wife and other personal details. Then he went into his own sexual history (glossing over some of the more X-rated details from his college days if you ask me).

Finally, with hesitation, he began to ask Sain about his love life. Paul Ramey was shaking his head in the backseat, pleading with Continelli not to go there. So was Katz.

Didn't matter, Sain began. First, he's got a boyfriend right now named Manny. Second, he began to tell the story of his greatest sexual conquest. Continelli kept looking in the back, watching Ramey and Katz turn interesting shades of green, pleading with him to pull over so they could puke.

This reporter is happy to report neither man lost his lunch and they were somehow able to keep down the bile they were experiencing.

Michael Bourque arrived while the gang was at the HOF and the group met him when they returned. It wasn't very long before they all headed over to Jacobs Field to watch the Indians play the Twins in an important game for the AL wildcard lead.

The seats were great, bleachers in left field. The weather was fabulous and the company superb. It was a close game with the local team winning, so everyone was happy.

Except for Twins fan Scott Lacy, who had forgotten to pack warm clothes and in addition to having to suffer a big defeat, had to watch it wearing an Indians' sweatshirt.

Mark Dolan arrived while the gang was at the ballpark. He reported that the Holiday Inn he was at had two billiards tables. So, after the game the group headed there for the annual TFL Billiards Tournament.

Last year's champ, Scott Lacy, was seeded first. the 2003 champion, Paul Ramey, was seeded second. Mark Dolan, who keeps telling us he's great, despite the fact he hasn't won dick, somehow conned the judges into a No. 3 seed.

Eleven TFL owners participated, making it the largest field to date. The format was the same, double elimination. Here are the results.

WINNER'S BRACKET

ROUND 1
Steve Katz defeated Casey Brogan
Wit Tuttell defeated Mike Taylor
Ken Sain defeated Mike Continelli

QUARTERFINALS
Chris Reidy defeated Michael Bourque
Scott Lacy defeated Steve Katz
Mark Dolan defeated Wit Tuttell
Paul Ramey defeated Ken Sain

SEMIFINALS
Scott Lacy defeated Chris Reidy
Mark Dolan defeated Paul Ramey

There, we finally had the grand showdown everyone has been waiting for the past two years. Dolan lost early and never faced Lacy in Buffalo. Last year in Pittsburgh he arrived after the billiards tournament, so they didn't meet again.

CONSOLATION BRACKET
ROUND 1
Mike Taylor defeated Mike Continelli (Continelli eliminated)
Brogan gets a bye

ROUND 2
Casey Brogan defeats Mike Taylor (Taylor eliminated)
Michael Bourque defeats Steve Katz (Katz eliminated)

ROUND 3
Wit Tuttell defeats Ken Sain (Sain eliminated)
Casey Brogan defeats Michael Bourque (Brogan eliminated)

ROUND 4
Paul Ramey defeated Chris Reidy (Reidy eliminated)
And that was it. The bar was closing and security was shooing the TFL owners out of the pool hall. So, the tournament will have to be concluded on Sunday.

But, as they were trying to kick the owners out, Scott Lacy decided he didn't want to wait another minute to finally face Dolan. He demanded they play then.

So, even though they should have waited until two more consolation matches were finished, the two heavyweights finally faced one another.

Hope you didn't blink, because it took Dolan about 3 minutes to finish off Lacy and be the only owner remaining who is still unbeaten.

When the tournament concludes on Sunday, here are the remaining matches:

Wit Tuttell vs. Casey Brogan (loser eliminated)

Brogan/Tuttell winner vs. Paul Ramey (loser eliminated)

Ramey-Brogan/Tuttell winner vs. Scott Lacy (loser eliminated)

Then the remaining play faces Dolan, who only needs to win once to claim the title. Whomever emerges from the losing bracket must beat Dolan twice to win.

That was Day 3. Loads more stuff happened, but there's only so much a reporter's mind can remember.

The plan for Saturday:

10:30 a.m., the 11th Annual TFL Touch Classic

1 p.m., group outing to the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame

7 p.m., gather for the 16th Annual TFL Draft

Day 3

If you polled the owners about which are their favorite moments of each TFL convention, the draft itself would no doubt rate very high. But the Touch Classic could give it a run as favorite event.

Owners train months in advance of each Touch Classic, trying to win that fight against their aging bodies. And in some cases, they win.

Chris Reidy, Scott Lacy and Mike Taylor all showed up for this year's convention having dropped a considerable amount of weight. Reidy is the weight-loss champion for this convention, looking much like he did back in his young Anchorage days.

The owners at the hotel on East 12th Street gathered around 10:30 a.m. Even the notorious sleepy-eyed Lacy was up and ready to go for the touch football game. They walked the few blocks to the Holiday Inn where most of the other owners are.

When they arrived at the Holiday Inn, Taylor suddenly remembered that he left his wallet back at the hotel.

"You won't need it," Lacy said.

"No, there's something in it I need. It's a surprise!"

Taylor ran back to the hotel to get his wallet and the surprise. Some wondered if it might be Van Williams, after the previous stunt with Casey Brogan.

"I don't care, just so long as he's winded when we start the game," Tuttell said.

Michael Bourque and Mark Dolan had scouted out locations and came up with a perfect place to play the 11th annual Touch Classic. It was just a short walk from their hotel, past the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame. Nestled between Cleveland Stadium, home of the Browns, and the Science Museum was a nice long field of green.

The owners went through their warmups, stretching out those ancient muscles. And then they debated how to pick teams.

In past Touch Classics, Wit Tuttell and Mike Taylor were always placed on opposite teams as being the two most dangerous players. Ken Sain suggested that this year Tuttell and Lacy be placed on opposite teams, a comment that drew a quick hiss from Taylor.

And provided him with motivation.

Team co-captains were named. Michael Bourque and Taylor were pitted against Wit Tuttell and Lacy. Bourque/Taylor picked first, taking Paul Ramey.

Tuttell/Lacy jumped on the chance to select past Touch Classic MVP Mike Continelli and the slimmed down Reidy.

Bourque/Taylor then selected Steve Katz and Casey Brogan, leaving Sain for the other guys.

That meant there were ten players and Mark Dolan wandering the field taking sound bytes. We have no idea what Dolan's going to do with those sound recordings, but if anyone needs audio of old men wheezing, give him a call.

The two teams agreed on no kickoffs and the Bourque/Taylor team was given first possession. But just as they were about to begin, the TFL owners were treated to a flyover. It wasn't the Blue Angels, budget times being what they are. But, two military planes flew across leaving the airport by the lake just as the Touch Classic was starting.

Taylor then brought out his secret weapon. Eight months ago he saw a short article in a men's magazine: Joe Montana's secrets for winning touch football games.

The Bourque/Taylor huddled spent a good 15 minutes studying all the secrets as the other side grew older. Finally, after much yelling and screaming, they were ready to put Montana's advice into action.

Let's just say Montana should stick to his day job, because if that's the best he can offer touch footballers, he wouldn't be in the Hall of Fame. Maybe Montana would say it was the execution, but the Bourque/Taylor team got off to a slow start.

In fact, both teams did. At one point someone suggested first team to 1 touchdown wins, after both teams failed to score on their first two possessions.

There were some highlights though. Casey Brogan made a tremendous catch in traffic that knocked his glasses into the air, but he still held on to the ball.

"I have to quit using my face to catch the ball," Brogan said.

Tuttell and Continelli were both chasing down a fourth-down Lacy pass in the endzone.

If there had only been one of them, it no doubt would have been the game's first score. However, since there were two bodies running full speed to exactly the same spot, there was a collision that left both men woozy and the ball uncaught.

"This feels like the Thanksgiving incident all over again," Tuttell said, recalling the ill-fated sledding accident he had that had given him a concussion and cost him his short-term memory for 48 hours.

That wasn't the only great defensive play the Tuttell/Lacy team made on their own offense. There was another incident were Reidy and Continelli ran into each other as the ball fell between them.

"We not only are shutting down your team, but our team as well! What great D!" Sain said.

Reidy was leading the defensive effort, intercepting two passes. The tight defensive coverage was not appreciated by all.

Ramey called fouls on the first two incompletions thrown his way, shocking the worms that were the only ones close enough to have fouled him.

It was the first time any player has ever called interference in a Touch Classic.

Finally, the Tuttell/Lacy team got on the board with a Continelli touchdown pass. Then the onslaught continued. Lacy made an interception and returned it all the way for a touchdown, earning him the nickname Crazy Legs for his dance steps along the way.

After it was 2-0, the teams called for halftime. During which, they discussed the ones left at home. Reidy had sent his wife, Mary, some flowers. Continelli liked that idea so he too sent his wife, Brenda, some flowers.

Sain had the same idea and had sent his boyfriend, Manny, flowers. Manny called during the Touch Classic to thank Ken.

Strangely enough, the owners who do public relations for a living did not send their wives flowers.

"I'm on vacation," Tuttell said.

After halftime resumed the debate began on when to end. "First to three," a wheezing Continelli said.

In the end, they decided on first to four or a 1:30 p.m. time limit. It wouldn't take that long.

The teams picked up right where they left off. Tuttell/Lacy were busy passing, and blocking and catching and running while Bourque/Taylor were busy reading Joe Montana's winning tips.

Final score, Tuttell/Lacy/Reidy/Continelli/Sain 4, Bourque/Taylor/Ramey/Katz/Brogan 0.

The group returned to the hotels for showers and lunch. Then Sain, Lacy and Tuttell headed over to the Residence Inn to prepare for the 16th Annual TFL Draft.

While most of the other owners were nursing injuries, only three were able to make the planned trip to the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame. Michael Bourque, Mark Dolan and Steve Katz all said they are glad they did, rating it right up there with the Pro Football Hall of Fame experience.

Finally, the owners arrived at the Residence Inn for the draft, where most of them acted like they had concussions and weren't thinking straight.

Priest Holmes, rated among the top 5 in nearly every fantasy football league draft in the world, fell to the No. 12 pick.

"I think the other owners must have gotten together and took pity on my two crappy seasons and decided to give me a gift," Sain said, who was thrilled to take the MVP of his 2002 team.

During the draft the owners enjoyed pizza from Fabios and a couple even entertained Mary Jane from Mexico.

One draft tradition came to an end. Wit Tuttell, who had skipped the 2004 convention in Pittsburgh, could not find a bottle of tequila, so he did not down a shot with ever pick and then butt heads with Brogan.

Probably a good idea for both men.

After the draft was over, only one owner was unable to remain on his feet (Dolan). They rest compared teams and all agreed, the Dugway Experiments have to be the favorites going into this season.

Continelli left the convention Sunday morning to drive to Buffalo to watch the Bills' season opener live. Taylor returns to Colorado Sunday afternoon because his job cannot get the paper out without him at his desk on Monday.

The plan for Sunday is to watch the first full slate of games at a sports bar, then conclude the Billiards Tournament tonight during the Sunday night game.

Day 4

At 7 a.m. Michael Continelli packed up his rental car and became the first owner to leave the 2005 TFL Convention, beginning his drift to Buffalo so he could check in with the Lackawanna natives and also watch the Bills home opener from the stands.

He was just the first of four departures on this day. By the time the other owners began to gather around noon to head to a sports bar in the Flats for the opening round of games, Mike Taylor was saying his goodbyes.

Don Carlock and his family were packing up and beginning their drive back to Michigan. And Michael Bourque would be the last to leave this day, but not until after the first round of games.

One of the few hassles of these gatherings is the collection of owners that takes place before any group event. If you plan on doing something at 10:30, you can bet it will be 11 before you leave. It just takes a while to get 10 people together.

Longtime convention attendees know this, and have come to accept it. For newbies like Paul Ramey, it's still a source of frustration. He'll learn.

But, as the group gathered to leave for the sports bar, the missing owner was just about the last person you would expect. Ken Sain, usually the most anal, pain in the ass, on time, person you could ever meet, was no where to be found.

Frantic calls went up to his hotel room, figuring something must be wrong.

"Go without me," Sain said. "I'm playing Lacy in our final day of a PHL playoff game and I need to confirm my lineup.'

Ah, fantasy baseball is just about the only excuse fantasy football owners can accept.

So, eight owners climbed into the hotel's shuttle van and began the two-mile trek to BW3s, also known as Buffalo Wild Wings in Cleveland's notorious nightlife area, the Flats.

Sain eventually emerged from the hotel, happy with his PHL lineup. He asked about the hotel shuttle, but they told him it might be a while. He sighed.

Meanwhile, the eight owners were having their own adventure. Packed into their van were some other people who were headed for the Browns-Bengals game. They had to be dropped off first and traffic toward the stadium was backed up.

When the van finally pulled up in front of BW3s, the owners feared there would be no place to sit. So the driver kindly ran inside to check it out instead of all of them having to unpack themselves.

The coast was clear and the owners climbed out of the van and then looked with shock on their faces as they saw Sain holding open the door, waiting on them.

The universe has regained its balance. All is right with the world, once again. Sain had taken a taxi and was a little shocked when he arrived at BW3s to not find his TFL companions, especially since he left 10 minutes after they did.

He was just about to leave and walk around looking for another BW3s when a hurried Embassy Suites driver ran through the restaurant.

The food was good and the bar was a great place to watch the games. One wall had 10 televisions on it. The other three walls each had at least three. There was a game everywhere you looked.

The place filled up quickly and it didn't take Mark Dolan long to connect with the locals. Some lovely women models where moving among the lonely, drunk and horny men watching football and selling the calendars they appear in, mostly sans clothing.

Dolan was quick to buy one and had a few of the models autograph their photos.

It was two minutes into the first games when Ken Sain uttered his first 'Woe is me' of the season, just about the moment that he realized that first Kansas City touchdown wasn't Priest Holmes but Larry Johnson.

Once again he tried to pull out the knife that the Continelli Brothers had slammed into his back, but was once again unable to reach it.

As the games began to wind down the group began to pay its bill. For the most part, paying the group bill has been much easier than in the early years of this convention, in which a number of bills came up short after everyone had paid.

When this bill was handed to us, it was for a whopping $235 for nine people. Most of the burgers people ate were priced $5 and $6 on the menu, so this made no sense.

After everyone had put in what they thought they owed, the pot was still light nearly $100.

So they examined the bill, which was not small feat. The TFL owners had discovered the only restaurant/bar in America that does not use computers nor calculators to figure out how much their patrons owe.

Instead, the waitress had done her math on the back of the bill. Wit Tuttell whipped out his PDA and did the math and discovered that the waitress's calculations were slightly off.

By $100.

After convincing the ownership that the math was wrong and that this group would make lousy dishwashers, the owners were free to go.

Some wanted to take the shuttle back to the hotel. Others wanted to walk it. After a first group began walking, the second realized they would be waiting on the shuttle forever.

So they too walked back. The only adventure was Dolan getting sidetracked into a XXX theater, that turned out to be closed for the season.

But no one could find Dolan after that. (Play scary music here).

Back at the hotels the owners watched the second round of games in their suites as Bourque packed up his belongings for the trip home.

At 7:30ish, the owners began to head over to the Holiday Inn for the final official gathering of this convention. There, they dined on some of the best hotel food they've ever experienced, argued with some Indian fans who wanted to watch a regular season baseball game over the opening Sunday night football game; and concluded the stalled TFL Billiards Tournament.

In the pool tournament, we left off in the consolation rounds. Casey Brogan vs. Wit Tuttell was the first match. Brogan was a little miffed on the walk over because people were discounting his chances. And he gave Wit just about all he could handle, but in the end Tuttell advanced and Brogan was eliminated.

Next up was Tuttell vs. Ramey. Ramey advanced, eliminating Tuttell.

Then it was time for a showdown between the past two champions of this event. Ramey won the 2003 contest in Buffalo, and Lacy the 2004 event in Pittsburgh. The loser of this would be out, and the winner would have to face the undefeated Mark Dolan.

Lacy had little trouble and advanced to a rematch with the person who had knocked him into the loser's bracket.

It appeared Dolan was ready to claim the title after he sunk the Eight Ball, but unfortunately he also scratched. The victory was Lacy's. But, since that was Dolan's first loss, they had to play again.

This time the winner claim the tournament title. And Lacy had a much clearer victory over Dolan in this round, winning his second straight crown.

Lacy gave credit to eating right, playing by the rules and love of country for his victory. Dolan mumbled something about the fact Lacy dragged him to the Embassy Suites happy hour and spent two hours filling him up with alcohol before the event, but who's to quibble?

By this point the loud TFL owners had scared away those obnoxious Indians fans and had the room to themselves. This was the best set up ever for watching the Sunday night game. Two pool tables, a few couches and many comfortable chairs, one big screen television and two smaller ones.

Perfect.

They watched the Sunday night game with some interest. Steve Katz, of course, was on the edge of his seat all night since his Ravens were on.

In the second half, a man wearing a Cincinnati Bengals jersey walked in, pulled up a chair and sat next to Brogan. The man was obviously drunk.

He mumbled. He slobbered. He slumped down as he fought off passing out. Suddenly he woke up and started passing around a sheet of paper with his picks for the week. Then that fell out of his hands and he was no long cognizant it ever existed.

Brogan tried to help the guy out, asking if he had a room in the hotel. He mumbled no. The man's shorts were falling off him and he sat there with one hand inside his exposed underwear.

"Well, if it was Kenny's hand, I'd be concerned," Tuttell said. "But since it's his own, who cares?"

Sain had noticed more than a couple of owners looking at him with suspicion in their eyes. Here was a somewhat cute young man who was pretty much passed out and undressing himself before us.

What would Ken do?

Straight boys. They think they can transfer their fantasies over to gay men. So clueless.

Sain did ask Chad Johnson (that was the jersey he was wearing) if he had any friends in town we could call to help him. The man said no the first three times. Then said yes. He spitted out some number as Sain tied to dial it on his cell phone.

When Sain finally got a number he could understand, he asked the man for his name so he could tell his friends who needed help.

"Jesus Christ."

Sain hung up and at that point gave up trying to help the man. When Sain explained why to the rest of the owners, that he doubted the validity of the number since Chad wouldn't give his real name, the man woke up and contradicted Sain.

"It's Jesus! (Hay-sus)"

Brogan once again tried to reason with the drunk, telling him he was likely to spend the night in jail if he didn't help us help him.

Finally, two men in Cleveland Browns jerseys showed up and acted like they knew the man.

"There you are Eric, I'm so glad you had the sense to return to the hotel," one said.

The men thanked the TFL owners for looking after their friend. However, Eric/Chad/Jesus still did not want to get up. So, his friends asked the owners to continue babysitting their friend while they returned to the bar.

And the TFL owners could tell a few more shots and they'd have a few more saviors to look after.

But, moments after leaving the two Browns fans came back, convinced their friend to get up and go upstairs to the hotel room. Drama was finally over.

With that, the convention was pretty much at an end. The game ended, the remaining owners went upstairs to say goodbye to a sleeping Mark Dolan.

There is always more to a convention than can ever be crammed into these reports. There was no room for the story of how Dolan ended up eating a pork chop with a strange woman he just met; or how Sain was being chased down by some gate attendants when his taxi refused to pay for parking; the fantastic weather (say what you want about the tour of the Rust Belt, but we've been experiencing great weather); or the mysterious disapperances of Dolan and Brogan at key moments during the convention.

There was some talk of next year's event and where to have it. But that conversation will continue. All of the owners, except for Casey Brogan, are scheduled to return home on Monday. Some want to sneak in a quick visit to the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame before leaving. Other just want to slip away unnoticed.

Another convention has come to an end and when time has dulled the memories, I suspect the Cleveland gathering will rank among the favorites.

TFL CONVENTIONS

1995: Orlando

1996: New Orleans

1997: Denver

1998: Boston

1999: Las Vegas

2000: Anchorage

2001: New York

2002: Chicago

2003: Buffalo

2004: Pittsburgh

2005: Cleveland

2006: ?????

Day 5

Ahhhhh, by all accounts Brogan and Dolan did a stellar job "representing" the TFL in the last ditch, holdout TFL Owner showing in Cleveland.

Monday afternoon and early evening was spent doing first hand research into the Cleveland Bar scene, and the two TFL stalwarts were diligent in their efforts to observe local social habits (not to mention the local "wildlife")

The two were so commited to their mission that they were unable to make a final appearance at the previously mentioned MONSTER (re - free booze) happy hour at the Embassy suites hotel.

The two explorers were forced to abandon thier search as they headed back to the hotel room to watch Monday night Football where coach Dolan only needed Donovan McNabb to score FOUR POINTS more than T.J. Duckett for week one of the TFL Season to end on a positive note for the Arctic Gators.

Alas, it was apparent that Coach Taylor made the most of his early departure and found some sort of Voodoo woman to lay some bad juju on McNabb and consequently, the Arctic Gators and Coach Dolan are feeling like singing the Sain Battle Cry (WIM) on Tuesday morning

Tuesday Morning finds our entrepid explorers about to separate as the two have one last breakfast gathering 21 stories above the friendly city of Cleveland (in their comped VIP guest lounge) where they dined and enjoyed a spectacular view with a particularly good vantage point of the field where this year's TFL Touch Football Classic was played (a picture will be sent for possible posting for the TFL Archives)

Coach Dolan is now driving east to Syracuse and Coach Brogan is off to explore the Rock & Roll Hall of fame

The TFL Conventioneers loved Cleveland and in return, the Clevelandites have returned the love ( baby! )

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