Day 1

In this era of alternative facts and fake news this year's convention report may be delayed for a few hours.

It must first pass through the Office Of Truth Ministry to ensure it contains no lies that would disparage our beloved leader, Commissioner Scott Lacy.

All hail his glorious name.

It was a quiet first day as the owners arrived and set up shop at the Courtyard Marriott at the Capitol in downtown Indianapolis. Mike Taylor, Casey Brogan, Ken Sain, Mike Woelflein, Wit Tuttell all were present on Day 1 to pay homage to the greatest commissioner in TFL history who is doing an incredible job, Scott Lacy.

Michael Bourque and his son Will are expected on Friday and there are rumors that Mark Dolan might make an unexpected visit on Saturday, or he might not. Stay tuned.

So a pretty good turnout for the Indy convention. There was a motion that the league needs to reconsider how it picks convention cities. In the past it has been thrown out to the group in hopes of finding a location that would entice owners to attend.

The new motion is to screw them, and that the core group of five owners who attend most often pick the places they want to go, since they are the only ones who have been to 90 percent of the 24 TFL conventions.

I'm being told I've gone two paragraphs now without praising the leadership of Scott Lacy so I'm inserting this sentence to rectify that. Praise be his glorious name.

The guys finally decided on a sports bar to watch the NFL season opener, the Winner's Circle, which included off-track betting. When they arrived, however, it didn't quite live up to their hopes. There was no eating in the OFB parlor, and the restaurant portion was quite small.

Luckily, under the bewildering great leadership of Scott Lacy, they passed a place called Dave's Bodacious BBQ along the way. This group rarely goes past a BBQ joint, so they quickly fixed that error and headed back.

They had the place to themselves and dined on OK, not up to Mark Dolan's standards, BBQ. And they watched the game. Unfortunately, there was a storm in Philly and the game got off to a late start. In fact, it started almost right before the restaurant was scheduled to close. The staff was kind, however, and didn't push they guys out as they were their only customers all night.

Lacy made a truly wonderful decision to leave early and enjoy a nice walk back to the hotel with the game still in the first quarter. Along the way they stopped at Monument Circle, which is really very impressive.

When it was built in 1861 it was the second tallest monument in the nation, only behind the Washington Memorial. The TFL no doubt will erect a monument even taller than both someday to its beloved leader.

Back at the hotel the guys enjoyed the rest of the game in the hotel lobby before calling it a night.

I'll close this first day of the convention report by telling you how truly fabulous Scott Lacy was, and how this is the best the TFL has ever been under his great leadership.

Day 2

Great Leader Scott Lacy, in his infinite wisdom, tweeted this morning, "Knock it off."

It appears his ego is secure enough that he can take some criticism and doesn't need constant praising to survive the day.

Well, since he is so wise, we will do as he says. The Ministry of Truth will no longer check the convention report for fake news.

Lacy fucked up on the choice of convention cities this year. For the most part, the TFL crew has been very lucky with the weather. In fact, the weather has been excellent in most of the convention cities we've been to. During the non-stop rain of Friday in Indianapolis, the TFL owners tried to recall other bad weather stops.

There was a rain storm during the Touch Classic in New Orleans and another in Phoenix.

Anchorage was quite drizzly and we never saw the sun.

And Hartford had a storm or two.

But that was it. This is the 24th convention and most of them have had gorgeous weather. Not so in Indianapolis. It has been raining since we arrived and only lets up for a minute or two, and then starts again.

Wit Tuttell, being a veteran traveler, checked the weather report before his flight and saw it was going to be non-stop rain and brought an umbrella. He was the only owner to do so. Lacy and Ken Sain broke down and bought umbrellas at Kroger.

"What, you made of sugar?!?!?" Casey Brogan asked.

But this crew isn't going to let some rain stand in the way of their fun.

After sleeping in late (which is a TFL Convention tradition) the guys gathered and headed to Indianapolis Motor Speedway, home of the Indianapolis 500. It is also home to the Brickyard 400, and this is Brickyard weekend. It only cost $15 to attend Friday's practice session.

They drove in Lacy's SUV to the speedway, and drove straight in. The first thing that overwhelms you is how massive the place is. You think it's big on TV. You know it's big from what you hear. But when you drive into the infield the size is just ridiculous.

It's a 2.5 mile oval, which doesn't sound all that big. But Lacy was showing a photo to everyone of all the stuff that could fit inside that oval. Yankee Stadium. In fact, 38 Yankee Stadium. His photo showed Yankee Stadium, Churchill Downs, Vatican City and on and on.

Of course, having such an immense place it would be ideal to take some of the many free shuttles to get around. Right after they parked in Turn 3, a shuttled appeared.

"Nope, I need to get my steps in," Sain said.

Sain had no clue how close he was to being killed by Mike Woelflein at that moment.

Sain showed up this year having lost 50 pounds since winter. He uses his Fitbit to get in 12,000 or more steps per day and keeping his calories down to 2,000 or so a day. (No small feat at the convention).

He's not the only one. Many of the owners, including Lacy, Tuttell, and Taylor are looking to be in great shape.

So, the guys told the free shuttle to scuttle off and walked to the main area. Which was a mile away. In the rain. Did we mention it's amazing Sain is still alive?

They saw pit row, viewed the track from the stands, hung around the garage area. What really strikes you is that as huge as this place is, the track doesn't look all that wide. At lease in front of pit row. It appears only three cars can be side-by-side, and since those cars can be going 200 MPH, it gives you an appreciation for the skills of the drivers.

Of course with the constant rain, no cars were running. The guys were getting hungry and the rain showed no sign of stopping, so they didn't stay long.

Woelflein spied a free shuttle ready to take them back to the car.

"Nope, I need to get my steps in," Sain said.

May he rest in peace.

They headed off to get a burger for lunch. Woelflein suggested one place, Burger Study, but quickly recanted. It seemed to foo-foo.

So they headed to Workingman's Friend, which had good reviews. It was an inspired decision.

It's in a run-down neighborhood of what appears to be working class families. Across the street is a petroleum plant, so the smell of burning tires is in the air. The place itself has awful decor, with the old 1970s era fake wood panels and ugly red chairs.

So you just knew the food had to be good. Usually when this group eats they talk. They only see each other once a year so they have a lot to say. The first time that they all ate in a big group and didn't say anything came in Memphis, at Rendezvous. The BBQ was so amazing that all they could do was eat.

Let the record show the second time that happened was at Workingman's Friend.

It was simple fare, burgers and fries. But they do a great job. They smash the burgers down and until they are real thin, and then the edges are lot crispier than you're used to.

It was an excellent lunch and the proof was in the silence.

They headed back to the hotel for an afternoon of watching the rain fall from their hotel rooms. They talked of many things, from Le'veon Bell's holdout and how that might impact the draft, to the possibility of no one using the in-draft trading capabilities that Lacy was working so hard on, to Steve Katz's legal troubles.

Around 7 their numbers grew by one with the arrival of Michael Bourque, our newest CEO. Bourque was named the top man at MEMIC about this time last year but was unable to attend the Milwaukee convention. So this was his first chance to update everyone on what it's like to be the Big Cheese.

The guys made history with dinner that night. For the first time in world culinary history they became the first group to dine at a dive like the Workingman Friend's for lunch, and then have dinner at a very fancy, very pricey steakhouse for dinner.

They went to the Hyde Park Prime Steakhouse for dinner. It was quite the contrast, and the meal was excellent. It was one of those old-fashioned dining experiences where time seemed to stand still. The excellent conversation made the three-hour dining experience fly by.

While it was a terrific meal, the conversation never stopped.

So, overall, this is much more a crowd that would be happiest at a dive like the Workingman's Friend than an expensive, high-class steakhouse like Hyde Park.

They headed back to the hotel and Bourque entertained the boys with more stories from Maine. His son Will is scheduled to arrive about the time of the draft on Saturday.

A very wet Day 2 was in the books. More rain is coming on Day 3, and Day 4, and Day 5. Boy, did Lacy fuck up. Scoop Bias at 8:08:18 AM, 9/8/2018

Day 3

Every convention a theme tends to emerge over the few days TFL owners are together. What will be remembered years from now about the Indianapolis meeting is the constant rain, and that Scott Lacy is a girl.

A teen-age girl, to be more specific.

It started on Friday when some of the guys went to Krogers. Lacy Voxed Sain, "Can you pick me up some Smart Water." When Sain didn't notice the text right away, Lacy impatiently reached out again with a text. When that went unseen, he sent a Vox to Wit Tuttell. Please get me some Smart Water in the tall and skinny bottles. When there wasn't an immediate reply to that, a text was sent to Tuttell.

Tuttell, standing only two blocks away in the Kroger's water aisle, looked at the latest text and said, "My teen-age girl isn't this needy." And a meme was born.

Lacy and his overwhelming desire for Smart Water, and making sure his hair is just so, and that he has on the right shoes for the rain, and on and on and on reminded everyone that he is a teen-age girl.

And they've been letting him have it all weekend.

There was no Touch Classic again, no one even brought a football to toss around. No one even suggested it. The boys are getting old. We need the next generation to come to these conventions and rekindle that tradition. Where are you Bobby, Tyler, Will, and Feehan?

Instead, most of the guys went to the Kurt Vonnegut Library, which is next door to the hotel. It's not very big inside but the two Vonnegut geeks (Mike Taylor and the teen-age-girl) had a great time. Many of the great author's rejection letters are framed. There is a typewriter he used in the 1970s encased in glass. But the highlight of the tour was Taylor and Lacy exchanging Vonnegut stories with someone who as big a geek as they are (the volunteer manning the museum).

Vonnegut was from Indianapolis and the author of a lot of books, including Slaughterhouse Five and Cat's Cradle. He's not everyone's cup of tea, however, as he likes to play with linear storytelling. Lacy and Taylor once saw him speak in Denver. Vonnegut took written questions from the crowd, when he got to the one Lacy submitted, he read it, then said, that's a stupid question, and then tossed it aside.

After the Vonnegut Library they headed to the Canal Walk. It's beautiful, even on a rainy day. Ken Sain and Casey Brogan had walked it earlier in the day. It reminded Sain of San Antonio's River Walk. However, this is nicer. But the rain kept them from enjoying it fully.

The rest of the guys walked along the canal to get to Burger Haus for lunch. It's an Indiana burger place that tries to incorporate different flavors from around the world. It was OK, but the truth is Workingman's Friend was a lot simpler, and a lot better.

After lunch they headed back to the hotel and pretended to watch college football while they actually did their last-minute cramming for the draft.

The draft took place at the Residence Inn across the parking lot from the Courtyard they are staying at. The room wasn't as big as they were hoping, but it was comfortable enough. The one snag that happened is that the TFL server saw all this traffic coming from Indianapolis, a location that has never contacted the TFL server before, so it shut us out because it feared a DNS attack was beginning.

That was quickly solved and after a brief panic inside draft HQ, they were able to draft again. The boys got pizza from Giorgio's, which was pretty run of the mill. It was good, but not the best they've had. You can't hit a home run every time.

Will Bourque arrived about halfway through the draft. He and his dad are going to the Colts game on Sunday. After laughing at the players his dad had drafted before he arrived, he gave Michael some advice to try and fix that roster.

Bourque was highly critical of Sain's very young team. He was asking who would change the diapers on all those rookies.

Mike Woelflein set the TFL record by taking nearly seven minutes to make one pick. There have been longer times taken, say when Van Williams had pink eye or when there was a technical issue. But there's never been a longer time taken when the only cause was indecision.

Speaking of Van, he reappeared on Saturday night drafting for Nate Sagan.

After the draft was over, the Brain in the Jar evaluated all rosters and determined that the Narcoossee Nose Apes are the best team in the league. Dugway is second. It claims that Lackawanna will be the worst team in the league this year.

The next day it readjusted those rankings. Here is the power rankings as of Sunday morning.

1 Denver 100.0%

2 Hogtown 98.9%

3 Dugway 93.6%

4 Narcoossee 92.7%

5 Arctic 92.3%

6 Baltimore 89.4%

7 Cary 88.6%

8 Bagdad 84.9%

9 Anchorage 84.2%

10 Safety Harbor 82.8%

11 Flour City 81.6%

12 Dutch Harbor 80.5%

13 Penobscot 80.1%

14 Limerick 78.9%

15 Lackawanna 68.9%

16 Alaska 66.1%

But what does the Brain in the Jar know?

The one thing that everyone can agree on is that Scott Lacy drafted like a teen-age girl. Scoop Bias at 9:15:23 AM, 9/9/2018

Day 4

By the end of Sunday, there was one question that dominated TFL chatter. It's a question that may not have an answer. Finding the meaning of life is probably easier. But we'll get to that in time.

Mike Woelflein was the first to leave, having to head back very early Sunday morning.

The guys and their teen-age girl were up late. Ken Sain, noticing a brief window when it wasn't raining, took off for a solo walk down the canal, heading in a direction he hadn't been. At the end of it was the world headquarters of the NCAA, with its Hall of Champions.

"If I'd have known about this yesterday, I'd have come to pay homage to all the ASU champions," Sain thought to himself.

But of course, that would have taken weeks, if not months.

Hey, ASU won a ton of archery and badminton titles.

It was a wonderful walk without a drop of rain, a truly rare thing this weekend.

By the time he returned the others were stirring from their slumbers. They quickly dressed as only men could, knowing that football was in their immediate forecast. Well, most of them did. Scott Lacy had to bathe in Smart Water and then fuss with his hair.

Mike Taylor and Wit Tuttell headed out on a scouting expedition of sports bars while the girl was doing his girlish routine. They reported that all the sports bars were full, but Taylor donned his investigative journalist hat and learned some inside information: The bars would empty about an hour before game time as most of the people were heading to the Colts-Bengals game.

The guys decided to quit waiting on Little Miss Princess and went to Kilroys Sports Pub for one of the best Sunday sports bar experiences they've ever had. The service was perfect, the food good, just the right number of TVs, not too crowded, not too empty. The owners told them which games they wanted on which TVs, and they complied quickly and got it 100 percent correct.

If only it could be like that every time.

While the boys settled in for the early games, and the Princess was trimming her eyebrows, Michael Bourque and his son Will headed over to Lucas Oil Stadium to see their favorite team live. It was Will Bourque's first NFL game and chance to experience all the pomp in person. They both were there to welcome Andrew Luck back after 600-plus days without playing and saw a genuine smile on his face before he took the field.

There was much cursing, the games weren't going the way everyone had hoped. Even the Mighty, Mighty Test Tubes started slow, but eventually James Conner put them on the board. And they Dugway scored again, and again, and again, and again.

Which gets us a little closer to that question I mentioned at the start.

Unfortunately, Sain was the only one smiling as the other guys' teams started with a dud. Lacy finally appeared and was able to eat a sandwich before the site went down. He had to head back to the hotel early to figure out what. Turns out it was the Dolphins' fault.

Once the first round of games ended, about the time the Dolphins and Titans were entering the second quarter of their lightning-stalled game. The TFL site didn't know how to handle a suspended game, so for a while it just stopped adding scoring. Lacy figured it out pretty quickly and then got things up and running.

Lacy's mood improved in the afternoon games once Tyreek Hill started scoring, and scoring, and scoring.

But his glee was overshadowed by Ken Sain. Not only did his beloved Test Tubes put up the most points in Week 1, but Sain's PHL team also rallied on the final day from being in 8th place, three games back of a playoff spot, and moving into the playoffs.

To say Sain was happy Sunday afternoon was an understatement.

"Why don't you go take another victory lap," Casey Brogan said. Over, and over, and over again.

Finally Scott Lacy asked the question:

"Which is more insufferable, Ken Sain when he's winning, or Ken Sain when he's losing?"

Hmmm. The other owners thought about it, recalled last year when Sain's team was pathetic and suffered a horrible week 1 loss, and all agreed.

Both are insufferable.

The two Bourques arrived soon enough and the guys all visited for a bit. The clock was ticking, the convention would soon end, the bonding time they so enjoyed would give way to work, families, and life.

They went out for one last dinner together. They decided on Mexican food and headed to Bakersfield. It was OK, but any Mexican food on the wrong side of the Mississippi River will have a hard time impressing these world travelers.

The guys asked for the Sunday night game on TV, but the staff said no. Instead, they played John Wayne's Alamo on an endless loop. The good news in that is the infamous Denver Pyle was one of the actors in that film.

He was a lot younger then, so the guys had a tough time trying to spot him. They finally did.

The boys and Scott Lacy headed back to the hotel. Wit Tuttell had to beeline it back a bit earlier to deal with some family matters. Once there, they settled in to watch the Packers look like shit, Aaron Rodgers get injured, and find out that for some reason no one knows, DeShone Kizer still has an NFL job.

Casey kicked everyone out of the hotel room he was sharing with Sain. The Dugway owner had to be up at 4 to catch his flight to Phoenix.

They said their goodbyes, they shed their tears, and in Scott Lacy's case he/she played with his/her Barbies while drinking Smart Water.

A very wet and cloudy Indy convention was ending. There was no sunshine, but there were the usual highlights. Great friends, amazing food, and an insufferable Ken Sain.