2012 TFL Convention: Kansas City

Day 1

One thing you notice driving to western Missouri is that there are a lot of horny folk out here. Seems like there's an adult bookstore or gentleman's club at every exit on I-70. Good for them.

The 2012 TFL Convention officially kicked off in Knob Noster. Well, if you want to get technical, Wit Tuttell picked up Mike Taylor at the airport before Ken Sain and Scott Lacy met in Knob Noster, but we just like to say Knob Noster so we're going to do a slight revision.

Knob Noster is a small Missouri town about an hour east of Kansas City. Scotty, who insists on following Ken's every move -- no doubt hoping to gain some insight into his stellar draft strategies -- saw that the two men were converging on KC about the same time and suggested a detour to Knob Noster.

They met at The Station, a quaint Mom and Pop, that serves airmen from the local base and has old ladies playing cards in a back room.

"You have to ban anyone from taking Ogletree," Scotty insisted to the commissioner.

Sain reminded Scotty that he has always been against drafting known players and had predicted that a situation where a complete nobody who would never have been drafted would have a huge game and upset the fabric of the space-time continuum. That argument now has a name, and it is Ogletree.

"Scotty baby, I don't have the power to ban anyone from taking him."

Ogletree, a Dallas wide receiver who has 25 receptions and 0 touchdowns in four seasons, scored 18 points in the season opener.

"Besides, you have nothing to worry about, Scotty. We all know Nate will be the one to take Ogletree. He takes Thursday night players in ever draft. So the Deuces are screwed this year."

Scotty vowed to start a gentleman's agreement that no one would take Ogletree as either their first or second WR. Kenny baby said good luck with that.

Wit Tuttell was the first to arrive in Kansas City, landing a day early because he was returning from a business trip. When he arrived at the hotel they refused to give him a room. There's a price to be paid with Priceline's cheap hotel costs. So did Wit check out the sites, including the two excellent art museums? Or did he enjoy the Plaza, which is gorgeous? No, he went to Walmart.

When he wasn't doing that, he was picking up owners from the airport. First Mike Taylor, the Mike Woelflein. It was the second trip that brought all the guys together. Sain had arrived and checked into his hotel next door; Lacy -- after a detour to the wrong Holiday Inn -- finally found where he was supposed to be.

While the guys were checking in about 20 or so young women wearing Tulsa University clothing and carrying athletic bags walked into the hotel. Many were blond. All were fit. Taylor, never to be shy, asked them what sport they play. Soccer, he found out.

The Tulsa University women's soccer team is in town for a tournament and staying on the same floor as Taylor, Dolan, Woelflein and Brogan.

Oh, oh.

I'm happy to report no one has been arrested, yet. But territory has been marked at the pool, should the team get eliminated early and decide to spend the rest of the weekend in their bikinis.

Wit did report that during his solitude he did sample some of the famed KC BBQ and can report its reputation is not overblown. He was looking forward to the arrival of the BBQ Pilgrim and future taste treats.

Once everyone was settled in the group left to pick up Casey from the airport, then head to the Truman Sports Complex and the Kansas City Royals game at Kaufman Stadium. Along the way they go their first good look at the city.

Beautiful. It has a nice mix of very modern and some classic architecture. Lots of green spaces and well maintained parks. Plenty of public art.

On arriving at the airport all of the owners were struck by, well, the lack of people. You can drive up to the airport entrance and park your car and wait, and no one hassles you. Sain said he didn't even see the usual sign for the cell phone waiting area that have become commonplace at other airports.

No traffic jams of cars, buses and taxis. Very calm, relaxed. It was like stepping back in time 30 years ago.

Once Casey got on board they were off to Kaufman. The two stadiums sit side-by-side, well ahead of their time. What strikes you is that they don't look 40 years old (built in 1972). They almost look new (they did undergo major renovations completed in 2009.

It has a rather simple design, but everything about it was perfect. The Rangers defeated the Royals in extra innings, but the owners never found their seats. They spent most of the game just enjoying Kaufman. All of them were impressed and said it was a wonderful place to watch a game. Many said it was now their favorite.

They ate BBQ and drank Boulevards (beer). They spent much of the game under the fountains in right field.

After the game they returned to the hotels. Sain, eager to fill his refrigerator up, went searching for a grocery store. He did not find one that was open. For all of its charms, Kansas City is one of those towns that closes up at 10 p.m. Even the Walgreens, which tends to be 24 hours in other cities, was closed at 11 p.m. Sain ended up stopping at a gas station to get the supplies he wanted.

The other guys retreated to the Holiday Inn to resume catching up and arguing over next year's convention site (Miami and Portland, Me. are the early contenders).

Day 1 was complete. The BBQ Pilgrim is due to arrive Friday to give the owners a lesson on exactly what is a Burnt End and why they should want some.

Day 2

Mike Taylor has come out of the closet. Let's be serious for a second, it's not like anyone who knows Mike didn't know it already. But still, we have to admit the bravery the man from Denver displayed in finally admitting it to himself and to the world.

He is hardly alone. There are certainly others in this group who are that way (looking at Michael Continelli and Michael Bourque, who tends to go both ways). But let there be no doubts for Mike Taylor has finally emerged from the shadows and is ready to show his pride.

All the shame associatied with being different had weighed a heavy toll. He worried his friends would lose respect for him if they knew the truth. But finally, he could no longer live a lie.

Mike Taylor is a Republican.

While Ken Sain began his useless search Thursday night for a grocery store not named Walmart that was open in Kansas City after 10 p.m., the other five owners retreated to their hotel room for one of those terrific all night discussions/debates. This time the subject was politics and that is where Taylor finally fessed up.

Mike Woelflein awoke Friday morning still recovering from his bourbon-induced haze. He had walked down the street to Battaglia's Liquor Store in search of Jim Beam or Jack Daniels. He came away with Stanely Battaglia's, which has a friendlier price.

The true test of Stanley's juice would be when world renowned bourbon connoisseur Mark Dolan arrived on Friday. This is a man who has eaten some of the greatest barbeque the world has to offer and said it was, "solid." So what would Dolan think of Battaglia Bourbon?

"Well, I guess it's bourbon." Dolan said. "But it could also be mule piss."

But before Dolan arrived to pass on his judgement on the merits of Kansas City home-brewed alcohol (which we don't think has any relationship with the sleep-walking comic, Matt, of the same name), the owners set off for adventure.

They arrived at the 18th and Vine neighborhood, a historic black area of Kansas City. A lot of money went into building this area up, but the blocks around it are still in need of renovation. The centerpieces of the development are two museums, the American Jazz and the Negro Leagues Baseball museums.

Our six owners decided to save Charlie Parker, Dizzy Gillespie, Thelonious Monk, Billie Holliday, Count Basie, Miles Davis, Duke Ellington, John Coltrane and Louis Armstrong for another visit.

Instead they went to hang out with Satchel Paige, Buck O'Neil, Cool Papa Bell, Rube Foster and Josh Gibson. The centerpiece of the museum is a baseball field with life-size bronze statues of the best-known Negro Leagues players at each position. The museum meanders around the field until you reach the end, where you can share the field with those greats.

Highlights included video footage of Reece "Goose" Tatum doing many of the antics that would become staples of the Harlem Globetrotters while playing for the Indianapolis Clowns. Tatum was the original Globetrotter who invented many of the routines they still use today. But before he started the Globetrotters, Goose was a baseball player.

Another great display -- for this group -- was on the role the black media played in the rise of the sport. They learned that Wendell Smith, one of the key sportswriters who pushed for integration of baseball, was denied a seat in the Brooklyn Dodgers press box in 1946 to cover Jackie Robinson's first season.

After the museum the boys walked about a half mile to Arthur Bryant's, the self-proclaimed "Greatest Restaurant in the World." Scott Lacy says there's no self-proclaimed about it, it is the world's best.

But it is a Scott Lacy type of restaurant. It's a bit of a dive, one that when you walk in is only one health inspection away from being shut down. It had a pretty good size lunch crown, which bodes well. You stand in a long line and when you get up to order, you see how they prepare the food and you begin to worry.

For fries, they throw them onto a sheet of paper, then wrap them like they were a burrito. Then they wrap them again, and the whole time you're hoping they are squishing them too much.

Then you order the usual pulled pork sandwich, and they throw down a few slices of what appears to be typical white bread found in every supermarket. Just about the time you begin to worry you've made a mistake, they bring out the barbecue. That's when you're opinion changes.

The sauce is excellent, the meat is well prepared. All left full and satisfied. And isn't that what you want from the world's greatest restaurant?

The owners, using one of Lacy's iPhone apps (he has about a gazillion of them) saw a storm approaching (the app had a countdown to when they would get soaked) so they headed back to the car.

Thanks to the app, they beat the storm and returned to their hotels dry. It was the afternoon nap phase of the convention. Yes, our owners have grown so old they now need a nap (or perhaps we should blame it on the meats they had just devoured).

Soon Mark Dolan arrived and the single owners put down the binoculars they had aimed at the pool (the Tulsa women's soccer team had the nerve not to show up in their bikinis) and enjoyed the reunion.

Night came and the owners were still not hungry after that lunch. So they chatted and got caught up. Some even talked strategy and tried to gain insights for the draft. (Misinformation was everywhere as each owner said they intend to take a kicker or defense in the first round).

Finally, with little time to spare before all of Kansas City closes shop, they headed over to Jackstacks, one of the nicer upscale barbecue joints in Kansas City. No danger from the health inspector here (Scotty Lacy hates that). As they waited outside for a table to be prepared for a group of their size, someone alerted Tuttell that a celebrity was leaving, and he pointed him out to Sain. The two of them agreed they knew the tall man leaving, but neither could come up with a name for him right away. It took until Sunday before they finally had an answer. It was former NFL coach Brian Billick, who was in town as the color announcer for the Chiefs broadcast.

Dolan, the barbecue pilgrim, said this place is known for have the best beans in the world. They cook them with the meat, so you get all that deliciousness baked in.

"It's rare when someone tells you you're going to eat the best in the world, then you do, then you agree with them," Lacy said. Both Tuttell and Sain also agreed on the beans, now sorry they didn't order some.

What they did order was something called Cheesy Corn Bake. Basically, take some corn and then pour a gallon of cheese over it, bake and serve. And yes, it was also good.

Joining the boys for dinner was Shannon, a high school friend of Mike Taylor who he has seen in years. Taylor used to date her sister and didn't know her very well, but we all got along famously. She's now head of marketing at the nicest museum in town and was happy to show off Kansas City's massive, 18-foot tall, shuttlecock. More on that is coming in the Day 3 report, we suspect.

The first thing you need to know about Kansas City barbecue, and how it stands apart from the other cities in the TFL's current Barbecue Convention phase, is burnt ends.

They have burnt ends everywhere. You can make burnt ends out of any mean, Sain had burnt ends Polish sausage for example. The key to calling it burnt ends, is you must cook the meat twice so it has twice the flavor. When done right, we're told it is heaven.

After another delicious barbecue experience, the boys headed back to Sain's room for the annual Poker Tournament. Mike Taylor and Casey Brogan declined to participate.

The cards were in a weird mood Friday night. Many straights, flushes, high pairs kept showing up hand after hand in the common cards. Perhaps that is why, to the shock of casinos in Vegas and Atlantic City -- where he has been banned for his card shark ways -- Mark Dolan was the first man out in the tournament.

It should have been Mike Woelflein, who was down to a handful of chips early, but went all in and managed to win that hand to stave off elimination.

After some more rounds and the discovery that Ken's hotel does not have an ice machine, Woelflein forced both Wit Tuttell and Scotty Lacy on the same hand.

But the star of the night was Ken Sain. He had pulled off back-to-back straights that sent most of the chips his way, then another full house (that came on the last card) and flush (that came on the last card) to take a clear lead.

When it got down to the final two, it was very late, the owners had to wake early Saturday for the touch classic and there was still no ice.

Sain and Woelflein agreed to share the pot, based on their current chips count. Sain got 60 percent, Woelf 40. It is the second time Sain has won, but both times he ended up splitting the pots. No other winners have split the pot.

Yes, even in poker, Sain can't win.

Day 2 was over and the reviews on Kansas City continue to be great. All are loving this trip. Saturday's highlights are the touch classic, of course, and then the draft. There's also more barbecue on the menu.

Day 3

The TFL owners rarely react well to deadlines. Tell them they must be at a place by such and such a time and chances are they'll get there when they damn well feel like it. If they get there at all.

So it was very strange to hear promises of the TFL Touch Classic being played early. The owners planned to meet at 10 a.m. (never going to happen) and kickoff would be accomplished before 11 a.m. (in your dreams).

But there they were, awake and ready early Saturday morning. What on earth could get these seven owners out of bed and motivated on their holiday weekend?

The promise of excellent barbecue of course. Mark Dolan had set up a lunch with local BBQ guru Ardie Davis at Oklahoma Joe's, named one of the 13 restaurants in the world you simply must eat at before you die by Men's Health magazine.

Saturday, it seems, is a special day to eat there. That's when the burnt ends comes out of the smoker and is freshest, juiciest. The owners have learned, on their BBQ tour of convention sites, that great BBQ is all about the timing. Be at this one place at this specific time and you're in for a treat. Show up the day after and ... great barbecue becomes rather ordinary.

So the owners began playing the 18th annual Touch Classic by 11 a.m. at one of the most unique locations ever, on the grounds of Sculpture Park at the Nelson Atkins Museum. The playing field was marked off between two 18-foot high shuttlecocks.

The teams were named The Cheaters (Wit Tuttell, Casey Brogan and Mike Woelflein) and The Victims (Scott Lacy, Mike Taylor and Ken Sain).

The Victims scored first to take a 1-0 lead, but then it began. Casey forgot how to count to five without his feet moving forward and had a habit of calling the QB down if he was in the same state.

One memorable play had Casey in the general vicinity of the opposing QB, where he shouted out "You're down!" But the QB threw and interception. When Casey realized this, he shouted, "I didn't get you with both hands, you weren't down."

And that's how the game went the whole hour. The Cheaters came back to tie it on a legitimate score, then came the turning point of the game.

Mike Taylor went back and saw that Scott Lacy had blown past Wit Tuttell and was all alone in the end zone. No idea why Tuttell had given up on the play and let Lacy pass by him. But once beat, instead of trying to catch the taller Lacy and defend, he came up with a masterstroke of strategy.

He stood there and watch Taylor easily hit Lacy for a 2-1 lead, then he yelled out, "You're out of the end zone, no good."

Huh?

First, when is there ever a marked field in these pickup games? The line for the back of the end zone was a stick (which fell over) and a cloth (which moved after a gust of wind). Second, Lacy was so wide open shame alone should have had the score count.

But Wit, who couldn't handle the fact that Lacy of all people, blew past him, refused to let the score count. He cried, he whined, he pouted, he fell to the grounds and kicked and screamed. He talked about how Lacy caught the ball in Kansas (state border 10 miles away). The couple picnicking on the blanket next to the end zone had the best view and they said the tall guy was clearly in and the score should count.

But that's when Tuttell and his teammates turned on the tears. They were not going to continue playing unless the score, and Tuttell's embarrassment, were erased.

With The Victims still fuming about the antics of The Cheaters, Casey Brogan hit Tuttell for their second touchdown and a 2-1 lead. With time running out, The Victims tried some desperation plays to tie it up, but committed their fourth turnover of the day.

Realizing they had been robbed and disappointed in their friends' behavior, The Victims allowed The Cheaters to score a final Brogan-to-Tuttell touchdown pass for a 3-1 final score.

The MVP of the game was Mike Woelflein, who got off his hospital bed and played despite being in a full body cast. Well, that may be a bit of an exaggeration, but he did have a very sore neck that had him pretty much immobilized, but he toughed it out and played anyway.

That's the spirit that makes the Touch Classic what it is.

After showering, the boys headed to Oklahoma Joe's for the lunch with Ardie. It's in Kansas at a working gas station. It's not hard to find because there is a line of people that stretches outside the building.

The boys had to wait an hour in line, something they would rarely do no matter how good the food. Ardie gave them great insights into the craft of BBQ and told them of the local history.

Once they finally got the food, the burnt ends were indeed something special. You would expect meat cooked twice to a little tough, but these tips melted in the mouth they were so juicy.

It was back to the hotels to prepare for the draft. Mark Dolan secured a large room at the Embassy Suites for Draft Central. Alcohol and snacks were purchased. Soon it was time for the draft.

The Google Hangout was a new experience that most owners enjoyed. It may have also helped speed the draft along, as for the first time in league history the draft was completed in less than 4 hours.

The 2013 Convention was discussed with these cities all getting consideration: Miami; Portland, Me.; Detroit; Outer Banks, N.C.; Branson, Mo.; Myrtle Beach, S.C.

In the end, the owners present agreed on holding the convention at one of three cities: Cincinnati (a late suggestion that instantly became the favorite); Minneapolis (also well received); and Detroit.

Owners will wait until MLB schedules are announced to select one of those three cities. Other owners are strongly encouraged to chime in with their opinions.

Day 3 ended with a dominating Arizona State University football victory on the televisions and Dolan suggesting we just go ahead and send him the T. Rex now. Mike Taylor doesn't like his team, he loves his team.

Rumor has it that the three members of The Cheaters had trouble sleeping Saturday night, knowing how they had wronged their friends.

Day 4

The impossible has happened. After dining on some of the best barbecue in Memphis, Nashville, St. Louis and Kansas City these words were actually uttered by a TFL owner:

"Want to go get some lunch?"

"Sure, anything but barbecue. I've had enough."

And that, my friends, is what separates the pretenders from the Mark Dolans and Ardie Davises of the world.

Perhaps what finally did it was standing in line for some great BBQ on Saturday afternoon. Or maybe, it's just for us amateurs, it's hard to rate one great BBQ place against another.

Sunday marked the end of the convention for some owners. Mike Woelflein had an early flight back to Maine, so he was first to depart. Mark Dolan soon hopped in his car and headed back to southern Illinois. Wit Tuttell was able to say goodbye in person before leaving for the airport to catch his flight home.

So only four owners remained for the traditional watching of the Sunday games. Scott Lacy took the group on a very nice Sunday drive, getting a chance to see some wonderful Kansas City neighborhoods.

They ended up at The Brooksiders Bar & Grill for the games. They had about 30 televisions, and 20 of them had the Chiefs-Falcons game on. Still, food was good, beer was good, and the company was great.

After the first round of games, Scott Lacy decided to take advantage of the most perfect day ever and walk back to the hotel. It was going to be a 2-mile walk, but hard to imagine a better day for it. The other three drove back for the traditional afternoon nap.

One problem, Lacy's phone died. He was relying on that for a GPS to get him back to the hotel. Without the phone, a pretty straight shot 2-mile walked turned into a meandering 5-mile adventure. Still, Lacy says he's a lucky man and felt sorry for the three owners who didn't join him for that walk.

Ken Sain, Casey Brogan and Mike Taylor met up after the afternoon game and headed for the hotel bar. They were soon joined by the stunning Shannon, Taylor's former high school classmate who had joined the group for dinner on Friday.

After some terrific conversation, Sain and Brogan excused themselves so Taylor could catch up on the old high school gang, or whatever else came up.

Casey was feeling a little under the weather, so Sain and Lacy -- who had finally returned after 5 hours -- went out for dinner.

They ended up in the Westport neighborhood the owners had heard about. It's more relaxed than the Plaza, probably a place locals go to instead of tourists.

Sain and Lacy had burgers at Beer Kitchen, one of the few restaurants still open at 9 p.m. on a Sunday.

Lacy remarked how the convention began with the two of them grabbing a quick bite in Knob Noster and it was now ending with the same two owners at Beer Kitchen.

They walked back to the hotel afterwards, watched the end of the Broncos-Steelers game, then Sain said his farewells.

The 2012 TFL Convention had come to an end. See you in Cincinnati next September.