Day 1

Unfortunately, I must begin the 2015 convention report with some bad news.

"Ahem." (Sharp elbow to the gut)

"Yes, Mike Taylor?, you have something to say before I begin this convention report?"

(speaks in whispers)

Ah, your humble reporter has just been offered a bribe to report only good news, making it sound like the 2015 TFL Convention is the greatest one ever, therefore making those lame owners who decided to skip it feel like they're missing out. Well, the Pulitzer Prize-winning journalist has way too much credibility to ...

(Sharp elbow to the gut, more whispers)

"$50!"

I can report that the 2015 TFL Convention is the greatest in history. In fact, it's better than sex.

(Watches as Mike Taylor and Scott Lacy high five each other)

OK, now that that is over with, back to the true report. The league office in Durham, N.C. received an injunction prior to the 2015 convention kicking off from the City of Louisville demanding that the TFL move the convention to another city, preferably Lexington.

"Whereas the 1996 convention ended in New Orleans, and almost immediately after a steamer crashed into a downtown mall. And not too longer later Hurricane Katrina drowned the city...

"Whereas the 1998 convention ended in Boston and soon after the Big Dig happened...

"Whereas the 2005 convention ended in Cleveland and Cleveland is still Cleveland...

"Whereas the 2001 convention ended in New York on Sept. 11, 2001 ...

"We kindly demand that the TFL take its bad luck convention elsewhere."

Sorry Louisville, the TFL came anyway.

Mike Taylor was the first to arrive, though his flight was late. Ken Sain's flight landed soon after, and two minutes later, Steve Katz's flight landed, putting the first three owners in Louisville within minutes of each other.

Just as they were about to meet and hail a cab ...

Ring

"Hey, this is Scotty, I'm driving by the airport right now, you guys need a ride?"

So two-thirds of the convention attendees all arrive within 40 minutes of each other. The Louisville convention is off to a great start.

(Pockets the $20 Taylor just pushed my way)

They headed to the Galt House Hotel and it became very clear that is is one of the better hotels the league has ever stayed at. These suites are huge, with two massive rooms in each and a view of the Ohio River out the windows.

(Pockets another $20)

You can also see Indiana from the window.

(Taylor rips $40 out of my pocket)

Taylor, Katz and Sain each went for a solo walk to explore the area around the hotel. They found the Louisville Slugger Museum and the Evan Williams Bourbon Experience are just blocks from the hotel. So is a giant, gold statue of David and his full monty.

As Sain returned he bumped into Casey Brogan, who was getting out of cab. Before they could even get into an elevator to head to rooms, Mark Dolan was there in his first Thursday appearance at a TFL Convention. All six owners had arrived.

After settling in, the boys met in Scott Lacy's spacious room and caught up with each other's lives. The room is so big that hotel staff had to direct them to a central part of the main room so they could hear each other.

(A $10 bill, cheap bastard)

Brogan was starving, not having eaten once during his 15-hour flight. So they headed to the sports bar a little early, walking along the banks of the Ohio River and within sight of the State that Must Not Be Named on the other side.

(Closely guards the $10er in my pocket)

They had two choices for the opening game of the TFL season. Should they go to the Sports Bar and Social Club, or should they go to the Troll Pub Under the Bridge.

Seriously, which would you choose?

So they went to the Troll Pub Under the Bridge, which strangely enough, is actually under a bridge. It's a basement bar with lots of character. And the staff was great. Probably one of the best opening night experiences ever.

(Rejects the $50 bill offering, because it's true and we do have some integrity)

A couple of the guys decided to sample the local cuisine. Katz and Dolan both ordered the "Hot Brown," a Louisville legend. It's an open-face turkey sandwich on sourdough bread, topped with Mornay sauce, cheese, tomatoes and bacon. Brogan got a Hot Brown pizza and declared it was the best pizza he's had in his life. It was so good in fact, that if he were to drop it on the street he'd still pick it up and eat it.

(Brogan offers a $20, whispers)

And I'm not saying that actually happened... Meanwhile, Scott Lacy decided to try the chicken and waffles sandwich. He's from the south. It's a southern thing.

The pub had tons of televisions and both the Thursday night NFL opener and the U.S. Open on. Some friends of Dolan even showed up to join in on the fun, so they were once again a rowdy group of eight people.

After dinner they discovered that the Galt House has a bridge on the third floor that goes over the street. Inside this "bridge" is the neatest bar and 24-hour deli they've ever experienced at a convention. The boys loaded up on some desserts before heading back and calling it a day.

(Taylor whispers)

Oh, and then they went back to the rooms where beautiful blonds gave each of the boys lap dances until 2 in the morning.

(Pockets a $100 bill)

Day 1 of the TFL convention was over with the Louisville Slugger Museum, Evan Williams Bourbon Experience (they age some bourbon 24 freaking years, are you kidding me?) and Churchill Downs all competing for their attention on Friday.

Day 2

For Mark Dolan, it's all about the experiences. You only get one shot at life, so you can save your money and miss out on big moments, or you can embrace the big moments and experience life to the fullest.

Perhaps that is what makes Mark Dolan the living legend he is.

So on the second day of the Louisville convention, the Arctic Gators front man had one goal: He was going to Churchill Downs, home of the most famous horse race in human history, and experience it like a millionaire. So five owners loaded up into a taxi and headed to the home of the Kentucky Derby. Why owners who don't understand that you only get one shot at your first trip to Churchill Downs paid the $3 general admission fee, Dolan splurged for the $37 all-you-can-eat ticket to Millionaires Row.

While Casey Brogan, Steve Katz, Ken Sain and Mike Taylor had to stay with the unwashed masses, Dolan was debating which wine goes best with Alaska salmon with celebrities and other VIPs.

The boys didn't do much gambling, but they did a little. Brogan and Sain, who both have Green Party leanings, fell in love with the name of a horse in the second race, "Fight the Power." They both put $5 down on him to win, and were rewarded with a first place finish and a pay out of $25.50.

Taylor flirted with betting on MikeAndChickDidIt, but decided in the end to put his money down on Oh Newman! He was rewarded with a 40 percent return on his investment, something a business writer can appreciate.

Katz, however, went for the Major Inspiration horse, the favorite in the race, in the first part of a daily double bet. It finished next to last.

Dolan said he intended to put his money down on Fight the Power, but was distracted by all the starlets flirting with him on Millionaires Row, and ended up betting on the wrong horse.

So Brogan, Sain and Taylor each leave Churchill Downs undefeated and winners. Dolan and Katz leave defeated and lose ... wait, hard to call Dolan a loser when he left with all those numbers of starlets who think he's the next big film producer.

So Katz is the only loser.

Brogan said he had to have a mint Julip while at Churchill Downs or he'd get his ass kicked back home. So Taylor bought him one.

"Wow, these are really good," Brogan said. "I can see where you can get into trouble drinking them."

Katz and Sain toured the Kentucky Derby Museum, where they have footage of many of the past Derby races. The oldest footage comes from 1918. They watched Secretariat and Citation both rally from way back to win their first legs of what would become Triple Crowns.

Then the boys headed back to the hotel.

You may have noticed that Scott Lacy did not go to the Downs. After spending most of the previous two days in a car driving to Louisville, Scott wasn't eager to climb into a crowded taxi for the 15-minute ride to Churchill Downs.

So instead, he spent the day in one of the best neighborhoods in Louisville, Highlands, home of the wonderful Bardstown Road. It's filled with some eclectic shops and a hippie vibe straight out of Haight-Ashbury. After a terrific afternoon there, including a stop for Mexican food, Lacy returned to meet the other guys at the Louisville Slugger Factory and Museum.

Dolan, Katz and Sain decided to pay the $12 while Brogan, Lacy and Taylor became fascinated by the autograph portions of bats turned into a wall display and spent nearly an hour looking at that.

Katz got to swing a Cal Ripken Jr. bat (though he had to wear batting gloves so his unworthy hands didn't actually get to touch the same bat that Cal used). Then he did something no self-respecting Orioles fan should ever do.

He asked for a Yankee bat.

"Can I see Mickey Mantle's bat please?"

If Earl Weaver had been there, Mickey's bat might have become the world's biggest dildo ... just sayin'.

The museum itself is nothing too special, but the highlight came with a tour of the factory. They demonstrated how they originally hand-made each bat, and how they make them today. The machine that makes the bats for major leaguers was signed by about a half-dozen of them and it was currently making bats for Brandon Phillips.

When the tour ended, each person got a mini-Louisville slugger bat of their own to take home. For dinner, there was some disagreement on where to head. Despite this being "The Greatest Convention Ever," it was raining when they left the hotel, so they decided on a place that was close and got good reviews on Yelp, the Bluegrass Brewing Company.

Scott Lacy was not impressed. Sure, all the nachos that Sain ordered, and all the pretzel bread with beer cheese that Dolan ordered were gobbled up in seconds. And yes, most of the owners cleaned their plates.

But the humus that Brogan ordered looked like it was "Straight Outta Safeway," so Sain's choice of restaurants was ridiculed and the league's founder was banned from ever choosing another convention restaurant again.

After dinner, and a quick shouting match at Sain for not bringing poker chips, they headed for a place to play billiards.

Get this, they settled on the Bank Shot, which strangely enough is an old-fashioned pool hall inside of what once was an actual bank. The large safe is still in there, with a door that's five-feet thick.

The billiards tournament, which first began in Buffalo, returned. Lacy and Dolan were seeded as the top two players since Paul Ramey wasn't around.

Katz beat Sain and Brogan beat Taylor in the first round of the double elimination tournament. Then the top seeds easily knocked off those winners. Sain eliminated Taylor, then Brogan eliminated Katz. Lacy won battle of unbeatens, sending Dolan to the loser's bracket. Brogan eliminated Sain, before Dolan did the same to him. In the finals, Lacy only had to win once. Dolan had to beat Lacy twice to claim the crown. Not a chance.

Scotty got hot and ran the table, claiming the championship.

The boys stopped by a "Whiskey by the Drink" bar on the way back. A quick stop for ice cream and cookies, and it was time for bed.

Day 2 was complete. On the horizon for Day 3, perhaps the Muhammad Ali Center, perhaps the Evan Williams Bourbon Experience, and oh yeah, the draft.

But it appears for the first time since the TFL Convention started in 1995, there may be no Touch Classic. Wit Tuttell deciding that Ireland was more important than his buddies just might be the end of it. (Not that we're pointing fingers at Iggy, you know the guy in Ireland).

Scott Lacy brought a ball, but it's more deflated that even Tom Brady would want and can't be pumped up because the needle broke off in it. Dolan refuses to play, Sain can barely move.

So the TFL Touch Classic, a vital part of so many conventions, is in jeopardy. No one seemed willing to declare it dead on Friday, holding out hope Iggy would arrive from Ireland and bring a fully-inflated ball with him.

But there will be no more delusional thinking on Saturday. They may have to get a shovel and have a ceremonial burying of the official TFL Touch Classic football.

So ends the second day of the Greatest TFL Convention in history. Let's see what Day 3 brings.

Day 3

Draft Day at the convention is always one filled with excitement. To start things off there's the annual Touch Classic, which has been successfully staged every year for all 20 years that there's been a convention.

From Orlando in 1995 all the way to Philadelphia in 2014.

But for the first time in league history, the Touch Classic was in jeopardy. First, Wit Tuttell abandoned the league he claims to love -- which now looking back appears to be only a minor flirtation -- to take a business trip. Claims he had no choice, that he had to go or risk his job kind of all flat when you're the freaking CEO. But whatever.

Tuttell's decision to spurn his fellow owners at the last second meant there would be only six owners at the convention. One is Mark Dolan, the official photographer of the Touch Classic. He doesn't play. Another is Ken Sain, also known as the Snail Sain for his quick moves at an inch every 20 minutes or so.

There were other factors putting the Touch Classic at risk in 2015. The official ball of the TFL, which has been kept in the possession of Commissioner Scott Lacy since the start, was leaking air, and the needle to pump it up had broken off at the last inflation attempt. (Insert your Tom Brady quote here).

It was looking mighty bleak, but one man would not let the Touch Classic die without a fight. Casey Brogan, who is legally blind and does not have a drivers license, stepped forward.

"Scott, give me your car keys, I've got this," Brogan said.

Lacy slowly handed his car keys over to Brogan, who then left for a two-hour Odyssey that involved some beautiful girls singing an enchanting melody, and a one-eyed giant of a man who threatened to eat Casey for an appetizer,

In the end, after many adventures and narrow escapes, Brogan returned to the Galt House with a deflated ball. The spirit of the remaining owners had been crushed as well.

The TFL Touch Classic was dead.

They all decided to blame Tuttell for killing it since this was the first time that the Classic did not take place. "Excuse me Scoop," Mike Taylor interrupts. "It's hardly fair to call that Memphis Touch Classic a Classic, we tossed the ball around for a few plays ...."

I don't hear you! I'm trying to lay a guilt trip here.

"And, if you want to be technical," Scott Lacy says, "There wasn't a Touch Classic in Anchorage either. We had a practice, but the day of the actual Touch Classic we were rained out."

Evil stare. Weren't you the two guys who were bribing me to make Tuttell feel guilty for abandoning us at the last second? And now you're letting him off the hook?

There are hopes that a new ball can be found, and a bigger turnout might return and we'll see the Touch Classic again in the future. Let's call this a coma, and not a death.

Dolan, Taylor and Brogan were first to stir on Saturday and they headed to Dish on Market Street for a terrific breakfast buffet. Sain and Katz left later since Sain had to do some work on the database in preparation for the draft but ended up at the same place.

Scott Lacy doesn't do breakfast.

When they returned, the boys spent the day doing their own thing. While Brogan was lost at sea, Lacy and Sain worked on the site, getting it ready for the draft. Mike Taylor spent most of the afternoon watching the women's U.S. Open match. Mark Dolan was spending quality time with family he has in the area. And Steve Katz headed over to the Muhammad Ali Center to check out one of Louisville's favorite sons.

The highlight of the trip, which Katz gave a thumbs up to, is a replica of the ring where Ali learned to fight. If you head up to the fourth floor balcony and look down at the ring, you'll see it's actually a giant movie screen, with highlights from Ali's life playing in a continuous loop.

They also have video kiosks with all of Ali's fights throughout his career.

As is the draft day tradition, Lacy and Sain headed to find a good burger joint for their pre-draft lunch. Boy did they succeed. Casey Brogan joined them as they all used Lyft, a hipper version of Uber, for the first time to travel all the way to Indiana for a meal at the Big Four Burgers + Beer.

Lacy proclaimed it one of the ten best burgers of his life. They have a terrific build your own burger section and both he and Brogan got theirs on sourdough bread. When they forgot the bacon that Lacy ordered, they nearly brought out an entire pig's worth of bacon to redeem themselves.

Jeffersonville, Ind. is actually a really neat town. The main street is quaint and has enough activity to feel like a great place to spend a Saturday afternoon. The boys decided to walk off a bit of that dinner, heading about 12 blocks north to a Walgreens for some draft room supplies.

About eight blocks in, they were no longer in the quaint portion of Jeffersonville.

"What is that smell," Brogan said.

"I don't know, but I hope it's dead," Lacy said.

"It smells like a port-a-john," Sain said.

They quickly bought their supplies and took another Lyft ride back to the hotel (almost dying in the process when Lacy so distracted the driver with sports questions that he nearly ran a stop sign, only slamming on the brakes at the last second).

A few more final preparations and it was time for the draft to begin, promptly at 7:30 p.m.

At 7:38, Mike Taylor arrived at the draft room. But that's OK, he only had the fourth pick. At 7:45 p.m. Brogan arrived, which was fine since he had the seventh pick.

"Hey, I got lost in the elevator!" Brogan said.

Despite the slow start, the league rallied to finish the draft in less than four hours.

During the draft, Lacy kept criticizing the defending league champion, America's Team Dugway Experiments. "How's the Robo-Team doing," Lacy kept asking.

Last year, after 24 years of not winning the league title, Sain joined a new service that has experts recommend draft picks. He used it again this year and Lacy accused Sain of cheating.

"Doing great, actually. Thanks," said Sain, who after 24 years of abuse for not winning, didn't give a damn what Lacy thought. Sain also didn't remind Lacy that his robo-team software actually saved the 2014 draft by serving as the de facto draft board during last year's draft day difficulties.

After the draft ended, the experts rated Sain's draft the best in all three categories: Overall, starters and bench. For the record, here's how the experts rated each team's overall draft with their projected points:

1 Dugway Experiments, 807
2 Narcoossee Nose Apes, 699
3 Penobscot Wolfpups, 682
4 Hogtown Halibut, 677
5 Bagdad Red-Bellied Newts, 649
6 Safety Harbor Deuces, 639
7 Alaska Oosiks, 634
8 Lackawanna Lancers, 624
9 Arctic Gators, 615
10 Anchorage Kitchen, 600
11 Dutch Harbor Dawgs, 599
12 Cary Big Sticks, 598
13 Baltimore Barons, 558
14 Denver Pyles, 555
15 Flour City Underground, 514
16 Limerick Laughing Loons, 495

But what do the experts know? True, they did lead Sain to the T. Rex for the first time in 25 years, but can they do it again?

"How does it feel to admit you're clueless as a fantasy owner and have to rely on a computer to draft for you?" Lacy asked Sain at the end of the draft.

"Sorry, didn't hear you Scott, I was busy polishing the T. Rex. Did you say something?"

While Lacy was offering his barbs, Nate Sagan was branding the newest team in the league with a new moniker: The Flounder City Underground.

So yes, with the trash talking is heating up and the 2015 TFL season is officially underway.

The last bit of business on Saturday was a quick conversation about where to stage the 2016 convention. Some cities tossed out: Omaha, Neb., Oxford, Miss., Seattle, Atlanta, Minneapolis, a return to previous cities we've been to.

Sain, saying that he wanted a huge turnout next year, threw out one city that he thought might deliver on that: Syracuse, N.Y.

"If we go to Syracuse, we'll likely get Bobby and the three Mikes," Sain said. "I'm sure Wit won't abandon his buddies two years in a row, and Paul might even show up, so we could get up to 12 at a location like that." Mark Dolan, a previous resident of Syracuse, poo-poohed that idea.

"Kenny, it's Syracuse. We'll be lucky to get three people."

So there is no favorite for the 2016 convention at this point.

Day three was complete. The first games of the season are on tap for Day four.

Day 4

The fourth day of a TFL Convention is all about football, as the guys gather to watch the opening games together, laughing when something goes terribly wrong for another, crying when it goes wrong to our own team, and celebrating when my QB hooks up with your WR for a long touchdown.

The fellows went to Champions Sports Bar, where they pretty much had the place to themselves. They give each table a sound system, so you can listen to whichever game you fancy simply by changing channels. Some welcome outsiders joined the guys. A former student here, a former classmate there, a distant relative you're meeting for the first time, a niece you haven't seen in a while. All are welcome, so long as they cheer for the team of the person they came to see.

Scott Lacy and Casey Brogan couldn't get over how good the burgers were from Saturday, so they left before the first games had ended to walk to another state, just to taste it again. Once they reached Big Four Burgers + Beer in Indiana, they were visited by an alley cat who decided to move in.

"We don't have alley cats in Anchorage," Brogan said. "They freeze."

It was such a brilliant day that Lacy and Brogan even walked back, a round trip of about 5 miles.

As is custom, the guys split up for the afternoon games. Steve Katz and Mike Taylor looked desperately for the one bar in Louisville that was showing the Baltimore Ravens and Denver Broncos game. The only game on local television would have been the worst game of the day (Cincinnati at Oakland), if only Jacksonville hadn't played at Carolina earlier in the day.

It was late when the guys pulled themselves away from the men's US Open final to get dinner. They headed to the Old Spaghetti Factory a couple of blocks away to get away from typical bar fare for at least one meal. Lacy wasn't too sure about the place, as it looks a little too foo-foo for his tastes when they walked in. But the staff was terrific, opening up the closed bar area so they could watch both the Sunday Night Game and the US Open. Food was delicious, and they even offered free ice cream as a dessert.

Then the boys headed back to the hotel to see the end of the US Open, and a very exciting Sunday Night game. And then the goodbyes began, as Mike Taylor had to get some sleep before his early-morning flight.

This next bit will not surprise anyone who has met these guys. They are characters. Nearly all of them have strong personalities, can be a bit prickly at times, and there are even moments when some of them can slip into assholedom.

I mean, have you met Ken Sain?

Still, these guys are like brothers. They may fight, hell, at times they may kick, and they certainly can get on each other's nerves (like when Sain, Lacy and Katz walked too fast and lost track of Taylor and Brogan), but at the end of the day, there's nothing any of them wouldn't do for the other.

Conventions like this one are more challenging than most, because usually we have that one calming brother that keeps things together: Say a Wit Tuttell or a Michael Bourque. You know, the normal guys who never lose their cool and who are able to talk the crazy brothers down from the ledge when needed.

Those guys weren't here this year, and they were missed. Still, even without them, the guys managed not to kill each other and all were doing their best to get along, even if it's not a natural part of their personality.

Hidden under all those boasts and tough exteriors, I suspect there just might be love. But good luck getting any of them to admit it.

No destination for the 2016 convention has been determined. And with that, the 2015 TFL Convention is officially over.