Day 1

2017 TFL Convention report from Milwaukee Day 1

Perhaps young Bobby Continelli, excuse me, Robert Continelli, and Tyler Ramey are too young, but the rest of the Times Football League is old enough to remember the iconic film, "Ferris Bueller's Day Off."

It is there that the 2017 TFL Convention begins. Scott Lacy of the Bagdad Newts was on his way to Chicago but made a detour in Chicago to pick up Wit Tuttell of the Narcoossee Nose Apes. Wit could get a cheaper flight to Chicago, so he did.

The two former roommates had some time to kill so they sought out the house where Ferris Bueller was filmed.

"We found it, but you would never know it if you weren't looking for it," Lacy said. "We were standing about 25 yards from that garage, and if we didn't know what it was, there's no way we would have recognized it.

What a fitting place to begin the 2017 TFL season, with a bunch of grown men playing hokey from the world to engage in a little fantasy.

Scott and Wit stopped at a Fuddruckers for lunch, then headed to Milwaukee. They drove past the airport just about the time Dugway's Ken Sain was arriving, so they offered him a lift to the hotel.

The TFL's luck of checking into a hotel with construction underway continues. The parking garage at the Doubletree Hilton is being worked on, so Scott's car is parked across the street for the duration of the convention.

Doubletree gives you a cookie when you check in, and the early afternoon was spent unpacking and settling in.

Soon, they trio headed out for dinner and a place to watch the first game of the season, Kansas City at New England. Scott led the way, GPS in hand, and immediately led them in the wrong direction. He headed west, Doc's Barbeque was east. He went two blocks north, Doc's was only one block north.

But eventually, after Wit and Ken whipped out their own GPS devices, they found the place. Docs had decent BBQ, but after years of being spoiled by the BBQ Pilgrim's solid recommendations, it didn't quite impress.

It did fill the boys up, however. The game was entertaining, but was a complete nightmare for the TFL draft. Up to four players who were probably not going to be drafted in the first three rounds are now very likely to be drafted then. A couple may even be drafted in the first round.

And a couple of players who would have been drafted in the first two rounds turned in bad performances, and now may be available a lot later than they should be.

Few times has the Thursday night game had such a huge altering impact on the draft. It will this year, which led to a discussion on what could be done about it (for the 100th time).

Friday brought about another quiet day, highlighted by lunch at Fuddruckers. Wit gamely hung in their for his second Fudds in two days, though he was not-so-quietly wishing for a trip to Five Guys instead.

To thank him, Scott took Wit to a 7-Eleven so he could get a slushee.

They made some pit stops at Target and Walgreens to load up on supplies for the draft, then returned to the hotel. The fourth of five owners attending this year was arriving in Chicago and figuring out transportation to Milwaukee, so the boys watched some US Open Tennis.

By the time Denver's Mike Taylor arrived, everyone was hungry. Taylor told the boys that Mark Dolan personally recommended a place called, "The Safe House," so they headed there for dinner.

Any place Dolan recommends is usually well worth the trip.

Usually. The Safe House is, um, a theme restaurant. The theme is spies. You walk into a small room, a woman is asking you for $5 to continue.

Say what? A cover charge to a restaurant?

They paid. Then, to get inside, the boys had to play along with a skit, showing off their karate moves.

All four were expecting the others to say, enough of this shit. None did. After three or four karate kicks, a secret passage opened up behind a bookcase and they were told to sprint to the other end.

Once they were finally in the spy master's dining room, they were told a whole bunch of corny spy stuff. These people really commit to the theme. There are spy games for each table, secret messages to hunt down, and a puzzle to figure out.

The puzzle for their table baffled all four men, but it did not baffle Google, which solved it in a few seconds.

The food was OK, but not great. Taylor got the Mother of All Burgers, but was a little disappointed. This mother appeared to be underfed.

The other three all got the Cuban Missile Crisis, which was a pulled pork with ham sandwich.

After dinner they walked along the Milwaukee River, stopped for a second to pose with Fonzie (Happy Days was based in Milwaukee) and watched a bridge rise over the river so a boat could pass under it.

Then they headed back to the hotel.

The final owner attending arrives Saturday, Baltimore's Steve Katz. The turnout is quite low, making it the lowest-attended convention ever. It wasn't planned that way, it just happened. Both Casey Brogan and Mark Dolan were late scratches, Mike Woelflein is on the every other year plan, and Michael Bourque just started his job as CEO (officially) this past week and had a bunch of CEO things to do.

Tuttell spent most of the time trying to toss dirt on the convention and declaring it dead, but Scott was working hard to resuscitate it. The convention still has a pulse.

Day 2

I'm not sure when it happened, but looking around this year's Times Football League convention there is no doubt that IT has happened.

Instead of seeing the boys head to the police station to bail out Casey or Charlie; instead of bouncers evicting TFL owners from local bars and securing them a safe ride home; instead of hotel staff pounding on doors demanding they keep it down ... something weird is happening.

The TFL owners keep running into each other at the hotel fitness center instead of the local strip club. Instead of calling their many girlfriends to explain why their friends saw them with other women, they are calling the office to coordinate affairs there. Instead of watching college football games, you have Scott Lacy calling his fiance and cooing on the phone for an hour with this silliest grin on his face.

And they are not even pretending to play the touch classic anymore, something the local hospital is very grateful for.

In short, it appears the TFL has matured into adulthood.

Finally, and yes, it did take long enough.

But no need to worry, a new generation in on the horizon, eager to come in and see if they can break the records for number of arrests, bars thrown out of and women applying for restraining orders.

But with adulthood is coming some of the most boring convention reports ever written. How are you supposed to make, they woke up, they went to the fitness center to work out, they headed to lunch making the mandatory stop by the Bronze Fonz statue for a photo stop before having a pleasant lunch at the Ale House next to the river exciting?

Snore.

This convention sorely needs its party boys. Where is Brogan? Woelflein? Dolan? They know how to have fun.

After returning from lunch the guys took a nap. Yes, I'm not kidding. Yes, snore. Some studied, but there wasn't much to do. It is the first convention in TFL history where Scott Lacy didn't spend most of Saturday afternoon working on coding and getting things ready for the draft. It's all pretty much automatic at this point.

The pizza was ordered early, from Sal's Pizza (New York style of course) and was given thumbs up by all. The draft took place in Ken Sain's room, and despite being a tight fit, the five managed not to kill each other.

To the surprise of no one Mark Dolan was the owner who took advantage of the Thursday night game to lock up a win in the first week before his opponent had taken his second player.

Very fitting, since Katz was one of the owners who saw no need to change the Thursday night rule. Enjoy your defeat, Stevo.

We had some proxy drafters. Willow Weasels owner Van Williams came out of retirement and drafted Nate Sagan's Anchorage Kitchen. I hear Nate took one look at his roster and plans to sue Van for malpractice.

Michael Bourque introduced his son Will to the family business. Will brought along three of his friends apparently to help. After looking at that roster the consensus is that more minds doesn't help, it just leads to mediocrity.

The draft was pretty uneventful and moved along pretty quick. Those in the room were happy with it, those who have to wait at home with no other owners about to distract them were not. Simple solution: Come to the convention and it will seem half as long and you'll have a lot more fun.

I'd like to report that after the draft the boys went out to the strip clubs and were arrested for inappropriate touching, but that would not be true. They all went back to their rooms and went to sleep.

Snore.

Day 3

Why do they do it? This is the 23rd TFL Convention, something that boggles the mind. These men, who have significant others and children and jobs and responsibilities at home, continue to fly across the country to hang out with some friends and draft their fantasy football teams.

It costs money, it costs relationship currency, it causes problems in the office and all that for fantasy football? So why do they do it?

The answer is for nights like Sunday.

Sunday morning began as most of the others in Milwaukee, the boys sleeping late, waking and heading for the gym. Each day a new person has shown up, it was Steve Katz's turn this day.

Mike Taylor and Katz headed out for a Build Your Own Breakfast while Ken Sain, Scott Lacy and Wit Tuttell continued their new fad, intermittent fasting.

Because of time zone and late starts, they were in a hurry. While a couple finished their late-morning workouts Tuttell headed over to check out Major Goolsby's and deemed it a great site for watching the Sunday games.

They arrived slowly, but eventually, and were soon dining on something called Brat Shots before diving into burgers. The games were a disappointment, most of the owners present were getting their asses kicked. (Fuck Andy Dalton). But it was a good place to watch the games. There were quite a few Bears fans there, as the Packers were playing the afternoon game. But Packers fans continued to arrive throughout the day.

After the game Lacy and Katz took separate walkabouts around the city. Steve's didn't last long, he wanted to see the Packer game and if Aaron Rodgers could throw seven TDs so he could overcome the dirty trick Mark Dolan played, drafting all those Thursday night points. (He didn't).

Lacy's walkabout, however, was a true walkabout. He found Milwaukee to be a great place for a walkabout, filled with old and interesting architecture and great sights around every corner. With the Packer game on TV, the streets were empty but he could hear just about every play as he walked.

When the boys finally reunited hunger pangs were felt, and they headed out. Sain suggested the Swinging Door Exchange, which was rated No. 5 restaurant in Milwaukee by TripAdvisor. It was a great place, one that reminded them both of two Anchorage favorites, Darwin's and F Street. They sat in the bar watching the Sunday night game. It was cramp, there was plywood on the walls, it was the first floor of an old historic building with great architecture. On the wall hung a photo of the opening night of the place in 1933, the owner and dozens of patrons all celebrating.

Next to it was another photo, many of the same poses, but taken 75 years later on the exact date, April 22, that the first one was taken.

The friends talked about those favorite Anchorage hangouts, enjoyed their meals. Scott Lacy even showed off the skirt and lipstick that came with his salad. All said the food was excellent and it was just a pleasant dinner.

When it was over, not quite wanting the night to end, someone suggested pie. "Hey Siri, where is the closest place we can get pie?"

Siri suggested Cafe Benelux, and it's a mystery how computer code without taste buds recommended such a great spot.

Again, the vibe was fantastic, place wasn't too crowded and the banana creme pie, the carrot cake and brownie skillet were superb.

The boys watched the end of a disappointing Sunday night game, and just enjoyed each other's company.

And there, you have the answer to why they keep doing this and what truly sets the TFL apart. Other leagues have owners who never meet, who will never meet. Others may know all their co-owners because they live in the same town.

But this band of brothers, who don't always get along with each other, can spend a pleasant Sunday night together talking about the old days and just enjoying each other's company in a simple bar, wolfing down banana cream pie.

Words cannot capture a night such as that, but if you experienced it, then you will want to repeat it. And that is why 23 years later the TFL Convention continues to thrive.

Day 4

Usually at TFL Conventions, Monday is departure day and not worth writing about. This year, because the Milwaukee Brewers were out of town for the weekend, was different.

Mike Taylor and Scott Lacy left in the morning because reality demanded fantasy come to an end. But that still left more than half of this year's attendees with an extra day.

While Wit Tuttell was checking out of the Doubletree Hilton, picking up his rental car, checking into the Fairfield Inn & Suites and Steve Katz was Building his Own Breakfast at the place around the corner, Ken Sain decided he'd seen enough of that black white wall in the fitness center and headed out for a real walkabout round the city to get his steps in.

He headed down Riverwalk, passed by the Milwaukee School of Engineering, and stood in awe of Lake Michigan. The most amazing thing about Milwaukee is the ridiculous number of public art statues you find around the city. You can hardly go a block without spotting another. They are all well maintained, no graffiti to be seen.

Certainly not everyone appeals, but the overall effect does make an impact.

Once Tuttell had finished his chores and Sain returned from his walkabout, the boys headed for lunch. Having had success with TripAdvisor's recommendations (Swinging Door Exchange is No. 5 and Cafe Belalux is No. 10 on the best restaurants in Milwaukee list), they decided to give No. 1 a try for lunch: Glorioso's Italian Market.

Tuttell was less than impressed.

"It's not a restaurant," Tuttell said while wolfing down a panini.

Glorioso's is not a traditional sit-down restaurant, true. It really is an Italian market, one that has been serving up great deli sandwiches for more than 60 years. All three loved their lunches, so it's a great place to pick up a sandwich. There is seating outside, and it was a very pleasant lunch.

"But it's not a restaurant," Tuttell insisted.

He did concede that the No. 1 ranking didn't seem out of place.

That done, the boys then headed to the Harley-Davidson Museum. Two men, Harley and Davidson, began tinkering with the idea of putting a motor on a bicycle in 1905 in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. With some of their brothers, they founded Harley-Davidson in a 10-foot by 15-foot shack.

The museum asks for a rather hefty $20 admission fee, but is interesting. They have the oldest existing Harley-Davidson bike on display, as well as models from every decade. You learn the story of the company, how they nearly went bankrupt in the mid-1980s before deciding to go public.

After the museum and a failed Slushee hunt, Wit and Ken took naps while Katz enjoyed the Wisconsin Sports Hall of Fame, which is a bunch of plaques to the state's greats outside its sports arenas.

When they reunited, they headed to the ballpark to see the Brewers vs. Pirates. Miller Park is not the best stadium, it's more likely near the bottom. It reminds folks of Chase Field (formerly Bank One Ballpark) in Phoenix.

Such is the downside of retractable roof stadiums. Still, they do try to make the most of what they have. Katz tried his very first bratwurst and all three headed to the last row of the upper deck to the Bob Uecker statue.

The game wasn't too exciting, the Pirates won 7-0. Since Sain had a very early flight back on Tuesday, they left after the seventh-inning stretch.

The 2017 TFL Convention had come to a close. It was the smallest turnout, but it was a huge success nonetheless. Milwaukee is a great town to visit if you ever get the chance.

There was some chatter over the weekend about a location for the 2018 convention. The boys talked about visiting previous convention cities, but seemed to decide not yet. Once that bridge is crossed, there's no going back. And there are so many cities yet to explore.

Mike Woelflein should be at the next convention, since he's on the every-other-year plan. Hopefully Mark Dolan and Casey Brogan, other convention regulars, will also be able to return. No city was named, and indeed, there isn't even a favorite at this point.

They just hope to go to someplace new and to have as good a time at they had in Milwaukee.