Day 1

2016 TFL Convention report from Minneapolis Day 1

After hearing rumors defying all logic that Sam Bradford is still a quarterback that an NFL team would actually want, even giving up high draft picks to acquire him, the TFL assembled in Minneapolis for the 2016 TFL Convention to answer one question:

Just what the hell are the Vikings thinking?

Turns out that compared to Shaun Hill, Bradford doesn't look so bad.

Mark Dolan was the first owner in town and immediately started doing what Dolan does. Turn on the charm and try to sweet talk people out of anything they covet.

"Hey there, Ms. Hotel woman, you know we're here for four days, we're renting quite a few rooms, and let's face it, you really need the business right now considering we're in the middle of Bosnia (much, much more on that later).

"While the rooms are nice an all, they aren't quite built to handle eight TFL owners putting together their dynasties for this season. They are a tad bit small. So I was hoping there might be something that you could do for us, or we just might have to take our five rooms for four nights to another hotel with larger rooms and without the war zone in front of the hotel."

Before you knew it Dolan was being offered the three-bedroom penthouse at the top of the hotel for a song ($175, when it normally goes for between &800 to $1000). So that is where the 2016 TFL draft will be headquartered.

Just as Dolan was wrapping up his negotiations, the rest of the crew was arriving en masse. Scott Lacy stopped by the airport on his way into town, picking up Mike Taylor and Ken Sain. Casey Brogan and his new general manager, Mike Guzy, arrived soon after and took the scenic route to the hotel.

What they found when they arrived was a lot of construction. Lacy/Taylor/Sain missed the turn off for the hotel and had to circle around it until the orange construction cones and signs finally led them through the maze.

Brogan/Guzy took public transit and had to walk through what they called a war zone to check in.

"It was like walking through Bosnia after the Baltic War," Brogan said.

Once all had checked in they discovered their rooms weren't really big enough for them all to have a decent conversation. But, Scott and Ken took advantage of a deal for Club Level rooms (which were discounted on account of this being Bosnia), which granted them access to the club room on the 12th floor, which had a television, free beverages, discounted alcohol and free appetizers offered at happy hour. And most importantly, it had space for grown men to have a conversation without having to smell each other.

It's all overseen by a hotel staff, which keeps things running, gets you access to the alcohol (so long as you pay) and does their best to quietly fade into the woodwork so folks can talk to each other.

So with this big room and free beverages the guys began to catch up, since they haven't seen each other in a year.

"Randy Moss! Let me tell you about Randy Moss," said the hotel employee, butting his way into our conversation.

And then he told us about Randy Moss.

"Adrian Peterson! Let me tell you about Adrian Peterson." And then he did. The first time it was cute, but this is starting to be annoying.

"Daunte Culpepper! Let me tell you about Daunte Culpepper."

"The new stadium! Let me tell you about the new stadium."

"This election! Let me tell you about this election and what Europeans think of you Americans." Yes, because all Americans care a great deal about what Europeans think about anything.

Finally, Mike Taylor asked him about his accent. None of us could quite place it.

"I'm European."

Great, that narrows it down. France? Belgium? Italian? Portuguese?

We should have known. He gave us an entire history of the breakup of Yugoslavia before announcing that he was Bosnian.

Of course he is.

Since Scott Lacy has failed to make the playoffs for nine straight years he decided to go ahead and hire our Bosnian hotel employee as his general manager because it was quite apparent he wasn't going to go away any time soon.

Mike Woelflein arrived about that time. Michael Bourque is coming this weekend, so the attendance for this year is a respectable eight. We miss all the owners who were unable to join us, Sain said, before he started talking about each behind their backs.

Before they knew it, game time was about an hour away and they scrambled to come up with a plan for dinner and the start of the NFL season. They headed to City Works, which is a sports bar very close to the Target Center and Target Field. Turned out to be a great choice. They had a wall of television screens, some very large, and 75 percent of them were showing the Carolina-Denver game. The others were showing tennis, which made Taylor and Lacy happy.

The food was very good. Lacy even risked biting into a couple of jalapeno poppers despite the embarrassing Orlando incident (Chris Reidy's marriage when Sain and Lacy went out for poppers and Lacy ended up soiling his pants).

We're very happy to report that Lacy kept his dignity this year. No "bad" poppers that had him rolling around on the floor in tears, crying out for his mommy.

Taylor traded with Lacy for the No. 1 pick before the convention, and unlike all previous drafts, he has not been coy about who he plans to take. He told Lacy he was taking Cam Newton. He has told everyone that asks he's taking Cam Newton. When Cam Newton scored a touchdown against his Broncos, Taylor celebrated like he was a Panthers fan. So we're pretty sure he's taking Cam Newton.

So now the mystery is who will Safety Harbor's Scott Schult take with the No. 2 pick?

The guys left in the third quarter, which irked Taylor a bit. His quarterback and his team were still playing and we had to walk through a war zone (this construction is an entire street for six blocks, the pedestrian path they built to get through it zig zags in all directions).

And then there was the holdup when they passed the Spearmint Rino, which is apparently the best full strip club in the United States, according to Guzy, who was born in Minneapolis. Dolan has a buddy (doesn't Dolan always have a buddy? Know anyone cool, a really good guy, and ask him if he knows Dolan and chances are 50/50 he does), and Dolan's buddy said that the Spearmint Rino is indeed the best strip club in America.

The guys all agreed that under no circumstances will they ever set foot in that club, so you can report to their wives and girlfriends that they are indeed on their best behavior. (Wink, wink, nod, nod, say no more).

Finally, with about eight minutes to play in the game they exited Bosnia and returned to the hotel. They tried to watch the game in the hotel bar. It was being broadcast in Spanish and hotel staff didn't have the slightest clue how to get it into English.

In about 10 seconds the geniuses of the TFL told them how. The bartender kept saying, "I like it in Spanish."

Taylor pleaded with the bartender to turn up the volume. The bartender said he couldn't because it would interfere with the front desk, which was on the other side of the hotel, at least 200 feet away.

Sain suggested they tell the bartender to shove it and head up to the 12th floor club room, which they did. So they got to see the end of an excellent game there. Taylor had full control of the volume control, and he might have overcompensated for the asshole bartender just a little. (No phone calls for the next week, my hearing should return by then).

When the game was over, Brogan, Guzy, Taylor and Woelf headed back into the war zone to do a little walking around the streets, at least, that's what they said. (wink, wink, nod, nod, say no more).

Dolan, Lacy and Sain headed for bed. Day 1 of the TFL Convention in Minneapolis was over.

Day 2

When the last report ended it was midnight, and the righteous TFL owners were heading for bed at the 2016 Convention in Minneapolis.

"I don't know about the other owners, but I'm loving these mattresses at the Millennium," Dugway's Ken Sain said. "I slept 10 hours the first night, eight hours the second. I normally get about 5 to 6 hours a night at home."

While Tony, um, Kenny slept on that first night Mike Woelflein, Mike Taylor and Casey Brogan explored the nightlife of Minneapolis. First, they stopped at Brit's Pub, only a couple of blocks from the hotel and right next to the war zone.

"Lawn bowling, cool," Woelflein said upon entering.

"Forget about it," the bouncer told him. "You need to make a reservation, and you needed to do it weeks ago."

The TFL trio took a look anyway, strolling around the lawn, which is on top of the roof of a building. Most of those bowling were couples out on a date, some hopeless fellow spending a lot of money (cost is about $150) to try and impress a gal, and in walks our trio of questionable sobriety.

Luckily, for those fellows they were on their best behavior. Instead of trying -- and no doubt succeeding -- to take away their girls for the night, they instead pumped the bartender for some local inside information.

They discovered that Eli's Food and Cocktails was the place to go for some dishy desserts; Nicollet Diner was open 24 hours and had a very good breakfast, not to mention they were the only place in town with a happy hour from 7 to 10 a.m.; and that you simply have to get a burger at Matt's, the Juicy Lucy.

"The what?"

"Juicy Lucy, it has cheese on the inside."

"I don't know, sounds kind of messy."

The bartender looked at them, gave them one of those don't-be-the-fool-who-doesn't-listen-to-insider-information-and-regrets-it stares, and said, "You need to try this burger."

The boys made a quick stop at Eli's for dessert and then finally headed back to the hotel and apparently weren't as in love with these mattresses as Sain. While Kenny Slept, they headed for the Nicollet for breakfast very early in the morning. They report the bartender is spot on, as the British would say.

For the first part of Friday the guys broke up into separate groups and headed their own ways.

Mark Dolan needed to get a haircut (what mysterious plans did he have for Friday night that required a haircut?). When he settled on a place he went in and asked for a trim. This barber shop required an appointment, so Dolan had to make one, then wait for it. He wasn't happy with the result, and vowed to return on Saturday to let them try again.

Casey Brogan and Mike Guzy wanted to see the Mississippi River, which is to the east of the hotel. Casey put Guzy in charge of navigating, since he was born in Minneapolis. For some reason no one knows, Guzy took Casey west. When they reached Fargo, North Dakota, it began to dawn on Casey that maybe Guzy was lost.

So why did he go west when the river was east?

"I wanted to show him Target Field," Guzy said.

"Nope, not buying that. He was going to see it that night when we go to the game."

"Um, I wanted to show Casey the Star-Tribune building????"

"OK, that one I'll buy."

When they finally headed east they ran into the most interesting man so far at the convention, Zach. It took Guzy all of 10 seconds to figure out that Zach was crazy. But Brogan needed more convincing, so he kept asking him questions.

It wasn't until Zach told them that there is this conspiracy where every tree in Minneapolis has a brick inside it that Casey decided it was time to move on or get a straight jacket.

But eventually, they reached the Mighty Mississippi River, which isn't quite as mighty this far north as it is further south.

Mike Taylor and Mike Woelflein also wanted to see the Mighty Mississippi, but decided it might be nicer to bike there. Minneapolis has a bike share program, with bikes on many corners. A quick credit card transaction and you're ready to ride. But just before they were ready to take off, Woelf got a text.

Work needed him, he had to clock in for six hours because apparently his company can't survive while he's cycling to the Mighty Mississppi. So while everyone else was playing, he was toiling.

Taylor bravely carried on without him. And somehow, without having been born in Minneapolis, he knew to head east instead of west. So he returned before everyone else.

Scott Lacy and Ken Sain went to Bloomington to eat at Fuddruckers for lunch, adding one more to both of their totals in the Great Fudds Race.

"What the hell is the point of that?" Taylor said. "It kind of cancels each other out, doesn't it?"

"Well, I did think of taking him there and then hitting him over the head with a tire iron ..." Lacy said. Sain leads Lacy 86 to 74 in the Great Fudds Race.

Lacy spent the afternoon working on the site, coding up a notification system so Wit Tuttell would not get too outrageous a phone bill in China. Instead of receiving a text after each pick, he'll get one after every four picks.

"I'd only do this for Wit," Lacy said as he struggled to get the returns just right.

"Screw him, if he wants to know the picks tell him to come to the draft," Taylor said.

As Lacy was coding, the other owners gathered in the club room where the Bosnian cornered Ken Sain.

"Your buddies gave me a bogus room number for their beers last night," the Bosnian said.

"Nah, it wasn't them, I didn't remember my room number. We had just arrived, It's 1214."

"Well they're going to take it out of my salary! There is no 1614, because there is no 16th floor."

"It was my mistake, please bill room 1214."

"I can't believe I didn't notice. I told my bosses, and they said ..."

"Please bill my room, 1214."

"I'll have to talk to them when they get in here. There is no 1614."

Sain gave up as he continued to rant on about there is no 16th floor. Then when Brogan and Guzy arrived, he went on for another five minutes about no 1614 even though Sain had already signed a sheet paying for the damn beers.

The boys headed off for the Minnesota-Cleveland baseball game at Target Field, but Dolan declined to join them. Did he have a date? Is that the reason for the haircut? Was he getting a private tour of the Vikings' facilities so he can gain inside information? Perhaps he is doing secret work for the government?

The rest of the guys enjoyed the game. Target Field is nice, but nothing stands out about it. Doesn't really have any interesting features. Lacy and Guzy are both Twins fans and were attending a game there for the first time, so it was memorable for them. Lacy liked how tall and close the stadium is designed, even folks in the upper deck are right on top of the action.

It was an entertaining game, with home runs and lead changes and a couple of impressive defensive plays. In the end the Indians won, 5-4.

The boys then headed to The Bulldog, a local bar near the hotel. Taylor had met one of their waitresses there earlier that day at CVS and she encouraged him to come visit with a wink and since she had curves in the right places, he agreed.

Those who did not eat the stadium food ate their dinners and told more lies about who they wanted in the TFL Draft and who they were absolutely not interested in under any circumstances on Saturday night.

Sain headed back to the hotel to fall into that wonderful mattress while the others headed off to Eli's for dessert. Day 2 was complete.

Day 3 should offer us our first Michael Bourque appearance, potentially a trip to Minnehaha Lake and of course the draft in a sweet three-bedroom penthouse. What it won't offer is a TFL Touch Classic. No one brought a ball.

Yes, Iggy killed the Touch Classic.

Day 3

We've been trying to avoid reporting on this bit of, um, animal behavior, because frankly, it's so disturbing. But it kind of hit a point of no return on Saturday at the TFL Convention in Minneapolis.

Across the street, on the other side of the war zone, TFL owners have been seeing people dressed up in animal costumes, strutting around, wiggling their, um, tails. There's been cows, and cats, and dogs and some creatures that we have no idea what the hell they're supposed to be.

"Appears to be some kind of convention," Mike Taylor said.

"It's a furry convention," Mike Guzy said. "Folks dress up like animals and then the orgies begin."

Now,, we'll leave for another day how Guzy knows this [he claims he saw it on an episode of CSI] but there seems to be no other logical reason for folks to dress up like animals and walk down the streets of a major U.S. city.

Mike Woelflein, Taylor, Guzy, Casey Brogan and Ken Sain decided to grab breakfast. Mark Dolan had recommended Hell's Kitchen, so they headed there. On the way they were treated to quite a sight. They ran into an Indian wedding procession, complete with folks wearing their Indian finest garb and dancing to Bollywood music as they slowly moved down the street. Minneapolis police were escorting them as the party was too big to be contained to the sidewalk.

The groom rode on the back of a horse, and as is typical of Indian culture, it was hard to pick out the bride at all. We assume she was in there somewhere, but we never spotted her.

When they arrived at Hell's Kitchen they were told it would be a 90-minute wait. They were hungry, that was unacceptable. They were told if they sat at the bar they could eat now, so that's what they did.

Dolan was already there, eating with a woman. Could this be the woman he was with the previous night when he ditched the fellows? Turns out she was a business contact and the meeting was so that he could write off some of the expenses of this trip. That Mark Dolan, always one step ahead.

Lacy stayed behind and enjoyed the breakfast in the club room. That is, until the Bosnian came up and wanted to be his best friend. Lacy shut him down quick and had a nice, peaceful breakfast.

Michael Bourque sent a text, he had arrived at the airport and was on his way to the hotel.

After breakfast, the highlight of which was Casey being offered a Braile menu for the first time, they headed for Target. What's a visit to Minneapolis with a trip to Target, since it has its corporate headquarters here. Casey was determined to save the touch classic, so he was going to buy a football.

The one he settled on was a cute little pink ball, perfect for Trixie.

Sain headed back to the hotel while the other four headed to Lake Minnehaha for some bike riding. They report that it was not as exciting as it is billed. After putting Guzy in charge of navigating, and getting lost again, they were finally read to leave.

Bourque had arrived at the hotel and was catching up with Sain and Lacy when thoughts turned to food (as they usually do at these events). They met up with Dolan and headed to Matt's Bar, home of the original Jucy Lucy, a local burger. They take two sliced of hamburger meat and put them together, with a healthy chuck of cheddar cheese in between them. They called the others and asked them to meet them at Matt's. Only Taylor declined.

When you bite into one, the cheese oozes out. Or in Lacy's case, exploded out. They aren't as impressive as they sound, but it was a local dish and all were happy they tried it.

Once they all returned to the hotel it was time to prepare for the draft. They moved into their three-bedroom penthouse and began setting up.

Once the draft began, the thieving soon commenced. First Mark Dolan stole Sain's brain in the jar, then Lacy stole it from him. Sain soon swiped it back, and all night long the three kept stealing the brain in a jar of formaldehyde. At least those three were using Sain's super secret program throughout the draft.

"I object," Casey said. "I may boycott next year. I don't want to play against a computer, I want to play against you guys."

Woelflein said he may join Brogan in the boycott.

The draft had serious wifi issues all night long and for some reason many players weren't in the database who should have been. It made it a challenging night for all. After the draft was over, the Brain in the Jar proclaimed that Ken Sain, the defending two-time champion, had the strongest team.

By morning, it's algorthyms had changed, and Lacy was awarded strongest team.

1 Bagdad Newts 761

2 Dugway Experiments 752

3 Lackawanna Lancers 728

4 Anchorage Kitchen 670

5 Alaska Oosiks 645

6 Arctic Gators 636

7 Cary Big Sticks 635

8 Denver Pyles 634

9 Flour City Underground 625

10 Penobscot Wolfpups 622

11 Limerick Laughing Loons 621

12 Safety Harbor Deuces 605

13 Hogtown Halibut 601

14 Baltimore Barons 577

15 Narcoossee Nose Apes 561

16 Dutch Harbor Dawgs 519

Day 3 was over. It remains to be seen if any furry animals will invade Day 4.

Day 4

The theme for the final day of the TFL convention in Minneapolis was old friends and football. It began with some departures.

Mike Woelflein was the first to leave, followed soon after by Mike Taylor. Michael Bourque hung around long enough to watch some football with the boys, but was leaving soon after to catch a late afternoon flight.

The guys went to the Newsroom sports bar, and very much enjoyed the experience. They have giant cutouts of front pages of newspapers on all the walls. They also had a lot of televisions and you could actually hear the game, unlike Thursday night at City Works.

The only criticism is that all the televisions were the same size, making it hard to focus on any one game. But the food was good and the games exciting. Which made it curious that Ken Sain kept nodding off despite his many hours of sleep. (Sain later needed a two-hour nap to get through the day before nodding off again during the Sunday night game).

When they returned to the hotel an old friend was soon visiting, Gail Boxrud. She is now living in Minneapolis and when she saw the boys were in town, arranged a quick visit. She owns a self-defense business, Krav Maga. It's an Israeli discipline that essentially teaches to "kick them in the groin."

Gail offered to give demonstrations, but the fellows all declined. Gail was the police reporter at the Anchorage Times back when the guys all worked in Alaska during the early days of the league.

For dinner they went to Crave, which is a restaurant on the roof of a Minneapolis building. Joining them there was Drew, who worked with Scott Lacy at Spring Metrics but is now living in Bloomington.

After the game ended, they said their goodbyes to Mark Dolan, who had an early morning flight. The rest of the guys were planning to leave around noon.

The Minneapolis convention has come to an end.