2010 TFL Convention: Nashville

Day 1

It has come to the attention of the TFL news service that some are doubting the veracity of the convention reports. How could they? Probably jealous wire services that are not able to get the lowdown, because they have strict policies that prevent them from bribing maids, bartenders, etc.

We have no such ethics.

The Nashville convention opened pretty mellow. Perhaps the guys are showing their age. Paul Ramey was first into town, arriving on Wednesday to be wined and dined by a former boss who wants to move him and his family to Tennessee.

Paul's reaction: Show me the money.

And with that the football season is underway. Ken arrived next at the Millennium Maxwell House Hotel. He tried to get adjoining rooms for the draft, so they made him wait. And wait. And wait.

While waiting he noticed that the other convention taking place in this hotel this weekend is a reunion of some Vietnam War Veterans. It's kind of a kick to hear their stories and get a chance to thank them for their service. It's not something a lot of them heard when they returned home.

Back to Ken waiting, and waiting. Paul arrived and like so many others who were not waiting for adjoining rooms he was able to check in with only one snag.

Clerk: You have a room with one queen-size bed.
Paul: Um, that's not going to work. I like Mike Taylor, but ...
Clerk: Sir, you ordered through Priceline, so basically you have to take what we give you and live with it.
Paul: Yelling, screaming, jumping up and down, frothing at the mouth
Clerk: OK, here, take a two double bed room, just get your rabies infected mouth out of my sight.

Ken finally gave up waiting after 2.5 hours of sitting in the lobby and decided they would just need to come up with a Plan B for draft night. Apparently they were saving the adjoining rooms for non-Priceline customers.

Mike Taylor and Casey Brogan arrived next, and we have to say Casey is looking terrific. He lost a lot of weight and has gone clean and sober, for the most part. He has a great story about how all that came about. It involves grow lamps, a police pat down, speeding 7 miles over the limit, and a backpack. Ask him about it.

It was getting late in the afternoon. Mike Woelflein was at the airport and on his way and Scott Lacy and Wit Tuttell were still an hour's drive away when the skin-and-bones Casey Brogan realized he hadn't eaten anything since breakfast. So Sain, Taylor and Brogan crammed themselves into Ken's little toy car and headed for the Kroger grocery store.

Casey made a beeline to the deli section and eyed some of the fried chicken they had in plastic containers. He picked up one and a fly fell out. He put it back down. He picked up a second and another fly fell out. He decided that was enough of Kroger.

They headed over to Arby's instead where he and Taylor were able to get a small sandwich to tide them over until the group dinner.

Since Nashville is in the central zone, dinner came very quickly. Game started at 7:20 local time. The group headed for Sam's Sports Bar, voted best sports bar in Nashville for seven straight years. It was packed. For some reason, some fool scheduled an SEC football game for the NFL's opening night. The bar was located across the street from Vanderbilt. It seems they take their SEC football seriously.

"But Vandy's barely in the SEC," Wit Tuttell complained. Yes, he and Lacy did finally arrive. With no chance of getting a table at Sam's, they walked down the street to the Sportsmen.

The table downstairs didn't have good TV-viewing angles, so they went upstairs to the bar and pool hall. Better TV viewing, but it seems Nashville hasn't banned smoking in bars yet.

But the food made up for it. Scott Lacy proclaimed his bacon cheddar cheeseburger was the best he's had in years. Woelflein and Taylor both went with the German-fried bologna sandwich. Ken had the Philly Kielbasa sandwich. The rest of the crew ordered non-exotic meals.

Only Casey was mildly unhappy with his pulled pork BBQ. (Too dry, no sauce).

The game was on, food was good and the lies began as people began preparing for the draft.

The consensus at the table was that Bourque would take a QB with the top pick. In 2007 he had the No. 2 pick and took Peyton Manning. Will it be Manning again? Or Tom Brady? Or last year's top TFL scorer, Drew Brees? Or Aaron Rodgers?

Mike Taylor, once again proclaiming he has done a lick of studying, says he's committed to taking a QB as well. He liked Brees after that first touchdown, but since it was the only touchdown he's considering the other three top QBs as well.

If both take QBs as expected, it would leave Cary's Doug Kaufman a choice of the top two picks in everyone else's drafts, Adrian Peterson and Chris Johnson. Sain would likely take whomever Kaufman doesn't.

But Kaufman is a wildcard. He took Randy Moss (and regretted it) with the No. 3 pick a year ago. He's been trying to trade down to No. 5 (in exchange for moving up two picks in the fourth round) because Steve Katz is in a panic over someone else taking Ray Rice.

So it's shaping up to be a volatile first round. But then again, most of these guys were lying and probably have someone else in mind.

They left before the game ended. And shockingly, for the first time in years there was more money in the kitty than the bill required.

They went back to the hotel (Sain got lost and claimed he only wanted to show Casey and Taylor the river that keeps flooding Nashville).

Kind of a quiet start, but a good one.

Mark Dolan is scheduled to arrive today. Michael Bourque has been on-again, off-again so often that no one could remember if he's on again, or off again. So he may show up.

The turnout is better than Memphis with seven owners here and at least one more coming. It should be an interesting weekend, so long as Casey Brogan can avoid any more pat downs from the police.

Day 2

And then it rained.

Perhaps age is making the TFL owners a little more impatient than usual. In past years they would wait for hours so that they could move in a group. Not so this year. Maybe last year's leaner, meaner Memphis convention taught them they don't need to do everything in a big group.

Casey Brogan was up early and working out in the hotel gym. By the time he cleaned up and was ready for food, Ken Sain was no where to be found. Casey called the hotel switchboard in a panic.

"I can't find Ken Sain!"

"Um, he's standing right here."

Sain met Brogan, and they met Mike Woelflein on the way out to grab some breakfast. We'll call them group one.

Group two is comprised of Paul Ramey and Mike Taylor, and they were about an hour behind group one.

Group three would be Scott Lacy and Wit Tuttell, and they were about two hours behind.

By the time group one arrived at Noshvilles for breakfast, group two called asking for whereabouts. They were also looking for a place to eat. Noshvilles seems to have been awarded "Best of" in 10 categories, including breakfast, so that was the recommendation.

And it was an excellent breakfast place. The Silver Dollar Potato Cakes are very good.

As group two was arriving at Noshvilles, group one was leaving. They headed over, at Casey's request, to Great Escapes, a large CD exchange and comic book store not too far from Noshvilles. Casey picked up a classic he's been missing, AC/DC's Highway to Hell, and asked for recommendations on local bands he can't find anywhere buy Nashville. He listened to three before deciding on The Clunkers.

"I knew within seconds of that first drum beat that this was the one," Brogan said.

Group three called about this time. Scott and Wit were feeling motivated and wanted to go work out before breakfast.

Group one left for a Mike Woelflein side trip, to see Hatch Show Prints, a printing business that has been in operation since the 1800s and has printed thousands of posters, most of them for music acts.

The shop is located in the heart of Music Row. The posters are up on the walls, and cats roam freely like they own the place inside. And maybe they do.

Then group two called wondering where group one was, having just finished breakfast. They started heading toward Hatch. And then it rained. Group one, ready to move on (Hatch is not as big as they hoped) was ready to get back. They saw group two drive by, called them and informed them they were going back. Group two did the same, having no desire to dodge raindrops.

When they returned back to the hotel, group one ran into group three, who asked them if they were ready for lunch. Um, not really.

And that is how most of the day went, with each group doing its own thing on its own schedule. Casey Brogan and Ken Sain did get to try the Korean BBQ tacos (very good). Mike Taylor and Mike Woelflein headed for downtown on the Paul Ramey shuttle for some sightseeing.

Scott Lacy and Wit Tuttell tried to get to Hatch, but the rain wouldn't relent. They sat for 15 minutes in the car, with the lights on the entire time, waiting for the rain to stop and talking. When they finally gave up, the car wouldn't start.

Ring, ring. "Do you have jumper cables?"

Paul Ramey came to the rescue and strongly suggested they take the battery in question to an auto parts store for a free test.

It was late afternoon and most of the guys were in their hotel rooms studying or spreading lies about who they will take in the draft when Mark Dolan arrived, quiet and meek as ever.*

His first duty was hunt down a rumored bottle of Jack or Jim that was hiding in the Ramey-Taylor room. Then he heard about the adjoining rooms issue and the fact that the group had no place to conduct the draft. He went downstairs and turned on that Mark Dolan charm, and before you knew it the hotel staff had given the TFL the use of a small conference room usually reserved for members of the military about to be shipped off to the front. (They said it was not needed Saturday night)

As if that wasn't enough, Dolan recommended Jack's BBQ for dinner. His perfect record on BBQ recommendations remains free of blemishes.

"I just pulled every scrap of meat from this bone with a fork!" Brogan said.

Many of the guys went back for seconds and ate until they were bloated. Dolan told them of the place he has in mind for Saturday. They'll get to see an actual pig being butchered.

Bellies full they headed back to the hotel for the poker game. Dolan apparently watches a lot of poker on TV and knew all the rules. Some of them, like the one that cost Tuttell, Woelflein and Sain $25 in chips, were not very welcome.

Brogan took an early lead and Lacy was on the ropes, but those fortunes reversed very quickly. Sain was the first person out. We'd love to tell you who won, but the game went beyond our deadline (and the promised text message update never materialized).

There was one bit of disturbing news that came during the game. Sain's roommate in Baltimore called during the game to let him know that it appears someone has broken into his home. More details to come.

The only other true news from Friday was that Sain was living in a reality-free universe where the TFL draft will unfold just how he imagines it will in his head and refuses to entertain any other possibility. He spent most of the day trying to get Woelflein (No. 15 pick) or Brogan (No. 12 pick) to accept the same trade that Steve Katz took from Lackawanna.

"Ken, there's only one Steve Katz in this league. Give it up," Brogan said.

Sain's dreams of a speedy running back who breaks off long TD runs took a jolt when Michael Bourque came out of hiding and started talking trade. First, he was undercutting Sain's trade offer. Second, if Bourque doesn't draft first and take a QB as expected, then Sain's perfect scenario blows up very quick.

Sain urged everyone to just ignore Mr. Bourque's offer and tried, as commissioner, to instigate a new rule, that all draft pick trades must be completed 24 hours before the draft.

* Hoping to challenge Ken Sain for the job of Communications Director in Mike Woelflein's new "Facetious Society of America" non-profit.

Day 3

Saturday is the holy day in the TFL. There are two events that always take place on Saturday at the TFL conventions. The first is the Touch Classic. The second is the draft.

Obviously, it's the best day of the convention.

Unfortunately, our TFL owners are getting older and fewer and fewer are able to run away playing football. Fans watching from the sideline whisper to each other, "might this be the last touch classic?"

Say it ain't so!

The teams this year were Scott Lacy and Mike Taylor on one side, and Mike Woelflein and Wit Tuttell on the other with Casey Brogan playing all-time QB for both teams.

And what a QB. The new clean and sober and slimmed down version of Casey Brogan just might be asked to be a replacement QB during next year's expected work stoppage in the NFL.

"He hit me right in stride, didn't have to slow down or speed up a bit. Couldn't have been more perfect," Lacy said of one of Brogan's many TD passes.

The Tuttell-Woelflein team took a quick 3-1 lead, but Lacy-Taylor rallied to tie it 4-4. In the past, none of these men would have dared left the field until a victor was gloating over the vanquished. But age has indeed caught up with them.

"How about we call it a draw," Brogan suggested, noticing that the four others were passed out.

And that's how it ended, a 4-4 draw.

Ken Sain missed his first-ever touch classic to head off to the Parthenon. It stands right up there with Opryland and the Country Music Hall of Fame as top tourism draws in Nashville. It was built in 1897 as part of Tennessee's 100-years as a state bash. They decided to leave it up. It's the only full-size replica of the ancient Greek temple. Inside is the giant statue of Athena. Since there were no drawings of the original, it's as close as they can come based on the few descriptions that still remain.

Below it is an art museum. Worth checking out if you're ever in Nashville, but since Sain couldn't get any of the others interested in a little culture with their football, he went alone.

This may come as a surprise to those who have seen the draft results, but Paul Ramey and Mark Dolan spent their early afternoons studying. Apparently not very well.

After the game came a nice, calm, relaxing swim. Not. Back in Phoenix the guys invented a new game, Podball. It's played in a swimming pool with a nerf-size football. The object of the game is for the thrower, who is in the pool to toss the football at the receiver, who is jumping in.

The receiver scores if he catches the ball. The thrower scores if he hits the receiver in a very specific location of his body. And I need to stress the word, HIS. Women do not have this part of the anatomy.

And yes, OUCH.

For some reason, these high-class gentlemen think this is fun.

After a few made trips to the hospital to have their balls sewed back on, the boys headed off for a mid-afternoon lunch at another of the BBQ Pilgrim's recommended locations, this one's Martin's BBQ Joint.

Mark Dolan arrived early and stayed late so he could update is BBQ Pilgrim website with a new story, photos and video. They take a hole pig at Martin's and slow-roast and smoke it for 22 hours.

The TFL gang arrived just as it was finishing and got to sample some fresh pork. In fact, they swore they heard it oink.

It was delicious, but that has come to be expected when Dolan is leading the way.

Back to the hotel for the draft. Dolan had secured a room next to the swimming pool and health center that is usually reserved for members of the military about to ship off to active duty. None were going this weekend, so the hotel let us have it for free. It had a large screen TV, great couch to relax on, practically everything we needed.

Except Internet access. Oh, and they said no alcohol.

We were fine drinking the hard stuff outside next to the pool. But the Internet trouble would be a problem throughout the draft, especially when we had to draft for others.

Scotty Lacy gets major kudos, because he had to do the coding on the fly, try and keep track of the draft for his own team purposes, and make the picks for about a half dozen others because of the shoddy connection.

It is also because of his jailbroken iPhone that many of the others there were finally able to get online and stay there.

So please forgive him if the Newts suck once again this year. He has a legitimate excuse.

When the draft ended about midnight, the gang tried to put the room back in its original state, then headed off to bed. Sain said his goodbyes because he was planning on getting up early and driving back to Baltimore in one day, a 13-hour trip. Woelflein also said his goodbyes, since his flight was leaving early.

Sunday was looking like a small turnout for watching the games. But, as they learned in Memphis, small doesn't mean it can't be a lot of fun.