Day 1
Remember how the end of the 2013 Convention Report said see you all in San Diego? Well, boy, did the league make a wrong turn at Albuquerque.
(For you youngins reading this, that's a cultural reference old men make in their offices filled with bright shiny faces who then look at them perplexed. The old men smile, wave their arms, say "Bugs Bunny?!?!?!" and the youngins stare back at them like they've clearly lost it wondering what ancient TV show/movie the crazy dinosaur is talking about now).
Casey Brogan and Scott Lacy hijacked the convention, kicking off the biggest season of change since the league began. Perhaps it is fitting for this dinosaur of a league that has been around long before most of today's league's started and ended with little to mark they were ever here. The TFL is etched into the Football Hall of Fame (a little side trip during the Cleveland convention, don't ask and you won't have to testify). Most of today's league's are etched in sand on a beach waiting for the next wave to come and no one to remember them.
So, off topic already, crazy how these convention reports write themselves.
Season of change. Since last we reported ... Ken Sain is out as commissioner Scott Lacy is in Steve Katz is out as treasurer Ken Sain got bored doing nothing after 10 minutes and is in Old scoring rules that the league has used, mostly untouched for decades are out. New scoring rules that maintain the spirit of the old but should slightly impact the game are in Running backs and receivers piling up shutouts is out Kickers no longer scoring off the charts is in Old logo of Bronco McGuts crashing through the TFL shield is out New logo of a caged T. Rex inside a TFL shield is in A TFL history page that hasn't been updated in a decade is updated. A T. Rex trophy that was stolen and forced to watch Doug Kaufman dance naked around it every day has been freed (and will soon be missing Doug when Mark Dolan starts his days dancing naked around it) Some big changes to the website that has largely been untouched for 15 years The ability of TFL Today reporters to edit their copy 6 minutes after they post a 5,000-word treatise filled with typos has been eliminated (strike coming) The ransom on the original T. Rex Hologram Trophy has been paid and it has returned safely from the Columbia drug cartel that stole it and is once again back in the league A new, get tough on money policy was put in place that is likely going to cause friction the first time an owner can't pick up the hot waiver wire player because his account lacks funds
And the season hasn't started yet.
So that is the short version of how the league ended up in Philadelphia (the long version includes a lot of profanity from the Dugway headquarters and a ridiculous amount of hemming and hawing from the other owners as they dithered about trying to find a replacement city after upsetting Ken Sain's apple cart.
How to describe the Radisson Blue Hotel where the league is meeting? Think classic 1920s building meets 1970s interior designer who did way too much acid during the '60s and has a love of all things Andy Warhol and neon.
I mean, headlights on the beds? (Though it did keep Scott Lacy entertained for 20 minutes). Still, it works. The reviews on the hotel are mostly favorable, though Steve Katz is still looking for a pool.
Paul Ramey and Mike Woelflein were first to arrive at what would be one of the best-attended conventions ever. The league tried to verify it, but the owners were too drunk to recall, but this might be the second only to the 12 owners who showed up in Boston in 1998. At least 10 of the 16 franchises are here for the 2014 draft.
Paul and Mike disappeared for a bit as other owners arrived. When asked for details, they gave a "no comment." Perhaps another side trip? Maybe the TFL is now etched on the side of the Liberty Bell as well? We'll investigate.
Scott Lacy finally arrived, hearing the call of the Sirens and turned what should have been a 7-hour drive into a two-day odyssey.
Next was Ken Sain and Katz. And still more owners showed up. Wit Tuttell and finally Casey Brogan. Seven here on the first day, with promises that Mike Taylor, Michael Continelli and Mark Dolan will be joining them shortly.
One of our spies reports that on the car ride from Baltimore to Philly, Katz told Sain that the convention report, how did he put it, had a reputation for embellishment.
Mr. Katz, with this group of owners, no embellishment is necessary. The truth suffices.
Once the owners said their hellos and hugged their comrades, the big question turned to the Mysterious Manhattan Project that Lacy and Sain had been dropping hints of.
What was the Greatest Thing in TFL History that mostly Lacy has been working on in secret (with Sain cheerleading in the corner)?
Katz was the first to learn, but he missed it when Lacy accidentally said it in front of him, then looked at Steve for a reaction.
But the hype could only go on for so long. They told the others what the Manhattan Project is.
Live automated scoring.
Starting Sunday, the TFL website is going to grab the live scoring feed from NFL.com and score TFL games automatically. No more waiting for Sain or Lacy or Katz to get around to it. When a player scores in an NFL game, you should see that on the scoring page within a minute or two (at least 1 minute after the NFL updates its feed).
"Wow, that actually is the Greatest Thing in TFL History," Woelflein said.
It may not work perfectly right away. Lacy said this was the most difficult coding project, and the most ambitious, he's ever tried for the TFL site. But they ran a test with the Thursday night game, giving the Dutch Harbor Dawgs all Packers and the Alaska Oosiks all Seahawks. Charles kicked Casey's butt 50-30 and it worked perfectly.
Sain and Lacy took the T. Rex (Dino version) to a nearby trophy shop to get it updated for the new champion. Lacy handed the trophy to a middle-age guy, clearly the small shop's owner.
"You must think this is a little weird, a dinosaur trophy."
"Not really, see all kinds of stuff in this job. You wouldn't believe the shit people bring in for me to engrave. They want to give me some long-winded explanation, TMI man."
Sain and Lacy talked about how Philadelphia, so far, truly is the city of Brotherly Love. People are very friendly here. They stop and offer to give directions. When you get stuck behind an illegally-parked UPS truck the encourage you to move in front of them in the next lane.
It may not be North Carolina, where if you have a flat tire the next car that drives past will stop, get out and change it for you, but it is certainly not New York. Philly just may be the friendliest Big City in America. For the first game of the NFL season, which was a bit of a snoozer, thank you Seattle defense, the league celebrating its 25th season went to a sports bar a couple of blocks away celebrating its 25th anniversary, Locust Rendezvous.
It's a small, no-frills sports bar. The TVs were a little hard to see, the food average, the choice of beer on tap limited. And of course the guys had a good time.
The big topic at the dinner, besides keeping an eye on the live automated scoring test feed, was the woeful state of the Cheechako Conference and why the one good team in that pathetic group, the Penobscot Wolfpups, aren't in the Sweeney Bowl every year.
Seriously, who else is there to fear in the Cheechako? Woelflein suggested Lackawanna, and the Lancers were once the dominant team, but haven't made the playoffs in, what, a decade?
Yes, Anchorage has three Sweeney Bowls (and a .471 winning percentage) and Arctic has two Sweeney Bowls (and a .460 winning percentage). But do you truly fear a team that loses more than it wins?
Consider the Sourdough, which has a career winning percentage weighed down by Sain's 1-13 season AND Katz's league-worst career .455 winning percentage. Despite that, the eight owners combined have a .508 winning percentage (1313-1273-46, since we KNOW Paul Ramey will check the math).
The Cheechako teams have the benefit of Penobscot's league-leading .607 winning percentage and the once-great, suddenly ordinary Lancers' .526 winning percentage -- and we'd throw in much fewer games, which tends to force you to the middle. Even with those advantages, the best the junior conference can do is a combined .499 winning percentage (629-632-27). Sub-.500. Translation: Why the hell isn't Penobscot owning that conference and playing for the T. Rex every year?
Only two teams in the Sourdough are below .500, and Sain is one win away from being at .500. Only three teams in the Cheechako are above .500. Lackawanna and Long Beach join Penobscot, clearly the best team in the league never to win the T. Rex.
There was discussion of moving some good teams out of the Sourdough and putting them into the Cheechako to give the Wolfpups some competition, but all agreed they didn't want to lose the long-time rivalries. One possible fix is to seed teams without regard to conference so that any teams that emerge from the Cheechako can take their rightful place as cannon fodder for Sourdough teams.
So that debate ended up going no where. The live scoring test a success, it was time to wrap up the first day of the San Diego-wrong-turn-in-Albuquerque-Philadelphia Convention.
Day 2
Reunions, by their nature, automatically invoke memories of the time when everyone was together. Stories are often told, and retold. You may not have heard -- if you've been living under a rock -- but this is the Times Football League's 25th season.
Hitting a milestone like that has led to more reminiscing than usual. And some stories that have never been told. Friday in Philadelphia began with the early rise of Mike Woelflein and Casey Brogan, who missed the memo that "Thou Shall Not Stir Before 11 a.m. at a TFL Convention."
After Casey looked for a breakfast companion (finding Mike Woelflein eventually), the two of them became bored waiting on the others. So they rode bikes five miles along on a path beside the river. Woelf looked about at one point, realizing he's been here before.
"This is my wife's old neighborhood." The side trip kept Casey and Woelf away from the others for most of the day, so they will disappear from the report now, only to emerge for the night-time follies.
While Woelf was traveling back in time, some of the league owners engaged in what if. What if Wit hadn't met with Chris Reidy, who convinced him going to Alaska wasn't such a crazy idea? What if he had taken the job in Vermont instead? What if Scott Lacy hadn't met a gay man and an 8-year-old boy at Darwin's? What if John Sweeney hadn't come across Ken Sain's old resume with J.R.'s "overqualified" written across it? The TFL would probably not exist today.
When the rest of the boys started to stir it was nearly noon. Mark Dolan was first of the second tier of arrivals and thoughts soon turn, as they usually do, to food. The guys decided to wing it, walking about Rittenhouse Square until they found a place. They ended up at a small diner with forgettable food.
During the meal, Michael Continelli arrived, bringing the total to 9 owners (7 at lunch, 2 riding bikes). After lunch, the crew went for a walk to the Rocky Steps, the place Sly Stallone filmed himself running up the stone stairs of the art museum with a gorgeous view of downtown Philadelphia behind him. There's a statue of Stallone's Rocky close by. Two, let's call them gentlemen, nearly got into a fist fight as they argued over who should be able to take photos of unsuspecting tourists for cash. A quick run up the steps, or in the case of some owners, not-so-quick run, and they headed back.
Sain, Tuttell and Continelli made a detour to pick up an old friend, the T. Rex. Lacy, who had insisted on no taxis and how men had to be men and make the 3-mile walk, didn't join them on the extra 10-block walk. He went back to the hotel to nap. It's no secret Sain is a bit of a planner and organizer, but after 20 years of this, he's pretty much given up trying to steer this herd of cats. You can only bang your head against a wall so long before you realize it's only causing pain.
Continelli, every bit the planner and organizer that Sain is (must be something in the water at Arizona State), has not learned that lesson yet. To him, the idea of not planning ahead and doing everything on the fly seems a little chaotic. So with the prospect of having hot dogs at a bowling alley or even worse, eating at Olive Garden, Continelli seized control of the convention and laid down the law. The group would eat at a Philadephia institution, Nick's Roast Beef, celebrating its 75th year.
He set up the taxis and insisted everyone be waiting in the lobby at 7:15. Of course, MC ended up being the last to arrive in the lobby. What's up with that? The departure was delayed as they awaited the arrival of the final owner to his convention. Mike Taylor's flight arrived at 5:30, but it was nearly 7:30 when he finally made it to the hotel. After average-to-worse meals so far in Philadelphia, thank Karma MC took control. Nick's Roast Beef was easily the best meal so far.
When you walk into the South Philadelphia dive, you have to wonder when was the last time it saw a health inspector. Or if it ever saw a health inspector. For decorum, they put up whatever they had that was handy. If you ever find yourself in such a place, you can be pretty sure that the food must be amazing.
There's no other reason it would still be open. Before dinner the owners toasted Chris Reidy of the Ex-Eskimos' on his 50th birthday. Hopefully, Chris has been watching these conventions and that snorting laugh of his is filling the heavens. The roast beef sandwiches were delicious. So were the gravy fries. And the Italian hots. After dinner, while waiting for cabs, Woelf looked at the small convenience store across the street and read the sign.
"What the hell is Water Ice?" Well, a group went to find out. Turns out water ice is sort of like Italian ice, but without the snobby attitude. Doesn't have the cream or fancy flavors. Just ice with some basic flavors (cherry, lemon, etc.) that you get to mix to your preference. Four owners bought some water ice (only 50 cents!) and they proceeded to rub it in the faces of the owners who didn't. "This is the greatest thing ever," Woelf said about a gazillion times.
The 10 owners arrived at Lucky X Strike on Chestnut, looking to do some bowling and play some pool. The initial reaction wasn't good. For a pool hall, the place looked a lot like a dating hub for 20 somethings. No billiards tables open; no bowling lanes open; no ping pong tables open. Just as talk of leaving and going back to the hotel for poker was heating up, a pool table opened up and the club suddenly improved. The TFL's wish-it-were-annual billiards tournament was a go and was filled with upsets.
Steve Katz knocked off a one-time champion in Paul Ramey; then Michael Continelli took down the always dangerous Scott Lacy; Wit Tuttell was able to outlast Casey Brogan; and Mark Dolan finally put away Mike Woelflein. In the semifinals, Katz continued the upsets by knocking off MC, and the other one-time champ, Dolan, defeated Tuttell. Mark Dolan wins his second TFL billiards crown by knocking off Katz. The group started heading back to the hotel (though some were actually heading to New Jersey until they realized, when in doubt, follow Sain).
There all but MC met in the Ramey-Taylor suite and continued to just enjoy spending time together, telling tales and cracking jokes. Before we wrap up Day 2, there was some news. Rumors began to spread on Day 1 that Steve "Chili con" Carne was leaving the league. First, Chili told Wit (whom he knows the longest going back to the days they used to fight over Economic professor's daughters in college). Then he made it official by telling Commissioner Lacy.
Finally, he made a public post in the Dumpster, giving the league a year to find a new team. "He did it right," Lacy said. Chili first joined the league at the request of the owners who weren't ready to let the Ex-Eskimos go and guided Chris Reidy's final team to the playoffs.
And then with his own franchise he was one of the few owners in the Cheechako Conference to own a winning record, including making the playoffs last season. The only thing he could do to top it would be to go out with the T. Rex in his swan song season. Early talk has taken place on a replacement. Someone with previous ties to the league and even better than that, the Times sports staff, would be first choice. But nothing has been decided yet. They'll take the time Chili gave them.
Day 3
What a Dexter McClusterfuck.
Scott Lacy and Wit Tuttell recently sat around and one of them said, "You know one day there's going to be a massive IT failure. What hell will we do then?"
Now we know the answer. The league will find a way.
The day started out with two side trips. The women went shopping, the men played football.
At the request of some owners, Michael Continelli led Steve Katz, Michael Woelflein and Mark Dolan to the Reading Terminal Market.
While they shopped and discussed the latest trends in purse styles, Lacy, Mike Taylor, Tuttell, Paul Ramey, Casey Brogan and Ken Sain conducted the 20th annual TFL Touch Classic.
Brogan was all-time QB, Sain all-time rush. Teams were Lacy and Taylor vs. Tuttell and Ramey. It was a first to three TDs wins.
Lacy-Taylor scored first, but then Tuttell-Ramey rallied for a 2-1 lead. That's as far as they got, as Lacy-Taylor scored two straight to win.
They returned to the hotel to get ready for an early start to the draft. The shopping spree was still not over.
When the shoppers returned an hour later, iI was chaos. Lacy needed to leave early because they had neglected the final drafting updates while working on live scoring. There was a lot of miscommunication and hurt feelings, none of it intentional. Long story short, Lacy, Sain and Brogan headed for the draft, stopping for lunch and supplies along the way.
Tuttell, Dolan, Woelflein, and Katz followed a couple of hours later.
The Man Cave at Chez Continelli was amazing and as always Mike C outdid himself as a host. Never before did the TFL owners have a billiards table, ping pong table, foosball table and all the original pennants of the AFL teams in one location. The only stain on this experience was MC's constant display of material from Tucson Junior High School. Otherwise, it was a terrific place to stage the draft.
Taylor and Ramey decided not to attend the draft because of distance and logistics (getting there, flights early the next day, etc.)
But just before the first pick, Commissioner Lacy declared never again. This is the third time that the draft has been a considerable distance from the convention hotel, and this is the second time there were issues (Toronto being the first).
During the day, the TFL website was down as some Siberian or Chinese hacker overwhelmed the hosting server with requests. Perhaps Wit's recent boasts of the TFL being the World's Greatest Fantasy League pissed off a rival, who knows.
While the attack eventually ended and the site came back on a new server, as is the case whenever you get mail to your old home after moving, some of the league's owners ended up getting pointed to the old server, where the site was still down, instead of the working server.
It was a mess and the TFL, in its 25th season, was transported back to its roots in the pre-1995 Internet Age, basically drafting by phone. Because of Google hangout most of the league owners were able to keep up with the picks (thank Karma) so the endless reciting of names wasn't needed.
Sain's fancy Million Dollar Drafting Program included a draft board, so the owners at the headquarters could see an updated list. Most, however, didn't do this. Sain was constantly adding new picks, so it was hard to spend any time with it.
Tuttell and Woelflein saved the draft by keeping the owners off-site updated and relaying their picks. Lacy basically sabotaged his own draft (I mean, just look at his picks) so that he could continue to work on the coding in a desperate attempt to get it working.
(To his credit, he had it caught up with all picks entered into the database within 30 minutes after the draft ended)
And MC was an amazing host, with homemade chili, Buffalo wings sauce dip, all the snacks 10 grown men can down, and a fridge that had enough beer to sate even the TFL's thirst.
It was the day when anything that could go wrong did. And somehow, the league pulled together and overcame every obstacle.
Day 4
The final day of a TFL convention usually follows a pattern. Someone leaves early; watching games at a sports bar; retire back to the hotel for the afternoon games; then dinner to watch the Sunday Night game.
A final conversation back at the hotel, then the goodbyes.
Philly was no different, though the search for an acceptable sports bar took some twists and turns (mostly for Wit Tuttell, who was sent to explore every sports bar in the inner city).
Mike Woelflein, Mike Taylor and Paul Ramey all had early-morning flights and left. Michael Continelli was still putting together his home after the TFL invasion of Saturday night.
So it was a small group of six owners remaining, looking for a place to watch the games. Who knew in one of the largest, most densely-packed cities in America that a lot of other people would pack all the available sports bars (which tend to be small in size inside a large, densely-packed city)?
Next time, our heroes may want to start looking before noon. They struck out wherever they went.
Eventually, they ended up in the perfect spot. The hotel bar, Tavern 17, didn't have a satellite and couldn't get every game. They had only two TVs that you could see from the table.
And yet, it was perfect. Very few people there, good food and one TV had the Eagles-Jags game on, of course. The other was set to Red Zone, so the owners got to enjoy all the scoring plays as they happened.
Scott Lacy was distracted, working out the kinks to the live scoring. But it was otherwise a very nice place to enjoy the games.
Later, at dinner, Lacy brought up the next convention location. They went through a long, long list of cities from Portland, Maine to Portland, Oregon.
Someone mentioned that next year would be the 25th anniversary, and perhaps we should head back to Alaska for one last hurrah?
The general feeling was to pick a city that wasn't quite as large. Minneapolis, Louisville, Oklahoma City each perked up a couple of ears.
But the conversation was mostly on what they were looking for in the next city and how should they decide now that the Iron Grip Reign of Ken Sain has been dealt with.
No decision was reached.
With that, the 20th, yes, 20th TFL Convention came to a close. Philadelphia won't rank with the best conventions (Buffalo and Kansas City still lead there). It had issues (see McClusterfuck Saturday). But it did provide one of the largest turnouts and some great memories.