Day 1

Scott Lacy left his gorgeous home on Capitol Hill Wednesday night to begin the trek to the TFL Convention. Scott prefers to take the road less traveled, so opting to take as many back roads as possible and avoiding all freeways unless there is no other dirt track heading off in mysterious directions. He was the first to depart for the 2004 TFL Convention, the 10th straight year the TFL owners have met in a city to select their teams.

Lacy had breakfast at a KFC just off the Pennsylvania Turnpike. A few hours later, Ken Sain would stop by the very same KFC for a chicken sandwich. Coincidence or the cosmic force of the TFL in play?

Despite the more than two-hour lead Lacy had on Sain, the Greatest Fantasy Football Mind in the Galaxy almost caught the slow-moving Lacy.

Sain needed a restroom break and to fill up the gas tank, so he pulled over at a rest stop 20 miles outside of Pittsburgh. As he walked toward the entrance, Steve Katz walks out.

Coincidence, or cosmic force of the TFL in action?

Meanwhile, Paul Ramey was checking into the official convention hotel. He was shocked to learn that the hotel had given him a room with only one bed, which he and Mike Taylor would have to share.

Lacy, who had finally arrived went to work on the hotel staff.

"You can't expect two men to share one bed," he screamed.

"Haven't you seen Queer As Folk," the clerk replied. "You know, it's based in Pittsburgh."

Lacy successfully browbeated down the poor clerk, who then rewarded Ramey and Taylor a near suite. The room is huge.

Lacy checked into his own room. The Omni William Penn is one of the classic 1920s-era hotels. If you found out The Shining was filmed here, you wouldn't be surprised.

The sad part of a hotel like this is every room has its own character. They come in all sorts of different sizes. Lacy, not exactly a small man, was stunned to learn he was given a hobbit-size room. The beds were only 15 inches from the wall.

Down Lacy went back to the same clerk who was just beginning to recover from his earlier confrontation. And Lacy let loose with a fury unseen before. The clerk screamed back, "Well, what do you expect from Priceline!"

Once again the clerk caved and gave Lacy a new room, albeit not the palace-like conditions Ramey and Taylor would enjoy. While Lacy's new room is much larger. the shower head is aiming at Lacy's navel.

Sain and Katz arrived and checked in next. Steve, who will be sharing with the Wolfman, received a huge room. Sain received the room Lacy rejected earlier.

"Do you want me to go down there and get them to switch you to a larger room," Lacy kept asking Sain.

"No Scott, I will not be responsible for that poor clerk's death."

The four men checked out each other's room. Ramey went in search of a liquor store, determined to keep alive the Tuttell tradition of enriching the local libation establishments even if Iggy would miss this convention, the first with no Iggy.

Sain struggled to get his Internet connection running in his hotel room. Once it was, Katz waited all of three minutes to start searching Sain's hard drive for any fantasy insights he might find.

The other owners may deride Sain in public, but given a few minutes alone on his computer they all desire the secrets that the Greatest Fantasy Football Mind in the Galaxy knows.

Mark Dolan was the first to call in with the news of the Tennessee-Miami game being moved to Saturday to avoid a hurricane. Soon after, Mike Continelli called in. Looks like it would two games of known results before the TFL owners conduct their draft.

Our group of four gathered at 8ish for dinner. Taylor was due in soon, but they couldn't wait because Sain had promised to pick up Continelli at the airport and had to be there at 10.

Hotel officials directed them to a sports bar so they could watch the game while eating. Lacy took the map and our four heroes climbed into Sain's car and took off.

"OK, this is Liberty up here, take a right," Lacy said.

Sain did as he was told, only to be greeted with six signs that said WRONG WAY ... DO NOT ENTER ... BUSES ONLY.

Sain looked for a way to get out, but there was little turning space. Lacy suggested they just go down the road one block and turn and get out before anyone noticed.

Good theory, but they soon discovered that after the bus depot, which it clearly was, there were no streets. There were train tracks on both sides of a very long avenue that kept going with no way out.

"We should just turn around," said the sensible Ramey.

"Nah, this road has to go somewhere, right?" said the irresponsible Lacy.

Up ahead on the right a man was standing outside his car. His police car. The signs on the door of the police car said PORT AUTHORITY.

The officer looked bewildered as Ken's purple Kia drove down the wrong way of a buses only road and four men politely waved at him.

Then, just ahead, was a police station with, oh, maybe 30 police cars outside.

Sain wondered if it was possible to conduct the TFL Draft from behind bars.

With Sain checking the mirror for the Port Authority officer, a bridge appeared up ahead on the left that would get our misguided owners over the train tracks and away from the cellblock.

Of course, Lacy realized they had overshot their destination by about 23 blocks. "Hmmm, maybe we should have turned around."

Don't blame Lacy. Blame Ramey. Ever since the two of them got together Paul's been feeding Lacy's head with the RC crap Dolan started last year in Buffalo.

"Don't you disrespect the RC!"

Sain found the sports bar with ease once he quit following Lacy's directions. They got out and found a mecca for sports fans. Each booth has its own television set. With sound! It was also all-you-can-eat night on wings and pizza for $10.

They ordered up. The pizza was average, but the wings were especially good.

So good, that Steve Katz ate 30 of them.

"How would you like your wings," the waitress asked Katz. "We have hot, very hot, medium and mild sauces."

"Mild is fine," Katz said for his first order.

"Um, do you have anything more mild than mild?" Katz asked for his second order of 10.

"Yes, weak," the waitress replied.

"I'll take that."

For his third and final order, Katz asked the waitress if there was anything weaker than weak but still technically sauce?

"We have a special wimp sauce for 100-year-old grandmothers."

"Perfect, get me another 10 with that."

Maybe it was Lacy feeling nostalgic for the 1995 convention, or his being inspired sitting across the table from Steve Katz. But Lacy sent back his Pepsi to the kitchen because it tasted funny. He demanded a new one.

Sain left to pick up Continelli but the group was beginning to worry about Taylor. Still no word from him. They had left a couple of cell numbers at the hotel so he could find them. He was scheduled to arrive two hours ago.

What could have happened?

*queue the special time travel effects*

A few hours earlier in Denver, Colo. Mike Taylor arrives at the airport. It's 50 minutes before his flight is scheduled to leave for Pittsburgh. He was warned to get there an hour earlier because of new safety precautions, but decides there's not much difference between 50 minutes and an hour.

The check-in clerk disagrees.

"Sorry, but you'll never be able to get that suitcase through security in time for this flight."

"What if I take it as a carry on?"

"It's too big. But, if you want to try ..."

Taylor races through the shinny not-so-new Denver airport and reaches the security station. He still has time to catch this flight, if they'll let him take his large suitcase on board as a carry-on.

"Sir, you cannot carry that on, it's too large."

Taylor begs and pleads, but the kind folks at TSA are not listening.

Sensing he was running out of time Taylor looks at his suitcase. His trusty suitcase, which has been with him many years. He bought it for $20 at Target 5 years ago. It might be worth $5 today.

Taylor gets a brainstorm.

Right in front of the TSA agents, Taylor rips open his suitcase and starts shoving the clothes down the pant legs of a pair of pants he intends to carryon as his new bag. He rips up his trusted Target suitcase and tosses it aside. He's ready to get on the plane now.

The TSA agents are not amused. They begin to look at him like he's Osama bin Laden. They pull him aside and start with the questions and searches.

By the time they are convinced he's nothing more than an overzealous fantasy football fan, his plane has left.

He must wait an hour to catch another flight.

*queue sound effects to return to point where narrative left off*

As Sain and Continelli return to the sports bar they begin to worry about getting there before the kitchen closes at 10:45. They phone in their order. They arrive right at 10:45. Sain wanted two slices of pizza and Continelli wanted some wings.

He's told some 100-year-old grandmother who ordered the rarely used WIMP sauce ate all their wings and they are out.

The five men watch most of the second half of the Thursday night game. At some point, still worried about Taylor, they call the hotel to see if he's arrived.

"He just got there."

Taylor is given directions and soon shows up at the bar. Katz gave the bar two thumbs up. He loved the food and thought all the waitresses in their tiny black outfits were very cute.

The other five men all thought Steve behaved well, saying only about 12 inappropriate things to the waitress, well below his usual average.

After the game ended and the usual bickering about the bill, they were ready to go. One problem: Sain's car will only seat four people.

Lacy and Taylor, who have full glasses of beer in front of them, volunteer to walk back. When last seen the mentor and his groupie were deep in conversation and beer, but not necessarily in that order.

So ends the first day of the convention. I tried to spare no detail because of last year's request from Jeff Houck that we go more in-depth.

Tomorrow the plan is the Duquesne Incline, the Pirates game and after the game when we are joined by the Wolfman & Mr. Bourque, the second annual TFL billiards tournament.

Until then ...

Day 2

Long after most of the TFL owners meeting in Pittsburgh returned to the Omni William Penn Hotel, Scott Lacy and Mike Taylor strolled in from their drinking at the Sports Rock Bar & Grill the group had dinner at Thursday. They stumbled past the Starbucks, which is in the lobby, wishing it was open after all the beer they had consumed.

The slowly worked their way up to Taylor's room, which he shares with Paul Ramey.

Ramey is like a kid on Christmas morning at this convention. Yes, it's his second, but he's planning on doing things he's never done before. We would kindly suggest he try drafting a GOOD team, but he seems to be content with seeing his first live Major League Baseball game.

The night before he left for Pittsburgh, he couldn't sleep he was sooooo excited. Plus, he had to leave Gainesville early to get to Jacksonville for a morning flight that would eventually land him in Pittsburgh.

So imagine his mindset after very little sleep and waking at 5 a.m. to catch his flight when Lacy and Taylor stumble in at 1 a.m., clutching on to each other and bellowing something that may have been "My Old Clementine" if the words weren't slurred so.

Ramey, trying to be polite, welcomed the two and helped them to chairs.

The three start watching SportsCenter and that is when Mike Taylor gets the news. The men of Troy have just embarrassed his Mizzou Tigers on national television. This leads to further conversations and moanings.

Ramey slips away and climbs into his bed. Taylor and Lacy reenact some great moments in Mizzou's storied football past, all three of them. Ramey pulls the covers up and places a pillow over his ears.

Lacy rants about how he can't stand to watch college football. Ramey sits up and glares at them. None but the mirror reflection notices.

Finally, around 3 in the morning after all of Ramey's hints have been ignored, Lacy crawls out to find his own room.

Oh blessed sleep! And a lot of it. Almost all of the owners slept in until around 11 a.m.

Once awake Ramey kept trying to talk one of the guys with cars to take him to Wal-Mart. When he asked Ken Sain, three other owners jumped out of the way expecting a long rant about the evils of the Arkansas company. Sain simply refused to help Wal-Mart make any profit by any action of his.

Sain, Continelli, Ramey and Taylor left for Starbucks, you know the one in the lobby that you can't miss. And even if you don't see it, you'd smell it. Steve Katz called to say he would join them.

After 40 minutes of conversation and coffee, someone noticed Katz had not arrived. They returned to their rooms. Eventually, Katz was found.

"I went to Starbucks, where were you guys?" said Katz, sounding like a man who has been ditched by his friends many times before.

"Um, in Starbucks, you know, the one in the lobby?!?!"

"Oh, they have one in the lobby?"

Katz had walked outside the hotel, circled around it looking for a Starbucks. Since he was looking out, he obliviously missed the Starbucks sign attached to the hotel wall. He asked a passerby for the nearest Starbucks and they directed him to the lobby of another hotel. Not seeing his friends there, he asked if there were others in the area. He must have visited 4 or 5 Starbucks before returning to the Omni William Penn Hotel and -- walking straight past the Starbucks in the lobby -- went up to his room.

As some of the guys caught up with e-mail and T-talk in Sain's room, Lacy finally arrived. Ramey had the gall to fact check the Thursday convention report. He was roundly booed and will not be making that mistake again.

At noon the group was antsy. Some still had not eaten. And Sain's microscopic room was closing in on them. So, they started to leave. The debate was should they wait for Michael Bourque or not. He had arrived at the airport and was on his way to his hotel (different than the William Penn).

Hunger beat out friendship and the six men left for the Duquense Incline. They walked about 20 minutes and crossed the Monongahela river. There, they were greeted by the Monongahela Incline, one of the two still surviving in this city.

Now a word of background is needed about our guests. Two of them (Continelli and Ramey) have a crippling fear of heights. Another (Lacy) gets scared just looking at the kiddie roller coaster at any fair and wouldn't dream of stepping in one.

They looked at this steep incline and were stuck by the fear of four more years of George W. Bush.

Still, they braved it out. Two of them (Lacy and Ramey) intelligently grabbed seats that looked uphill. But one (Continelli), unfortunately was stuck looking downhill the entire climb up. It was an enjoyable picture watching him dance in his seat, desperately trying to look anywhere but down.

When they reached the top they enjoyed the panoramic views of the city. Then stomachs began to rumble. They found a quaint restaurant and yacht club called Redbeards with outdoor dining. It was a gorgeous day so they took over the patio.

Michael Bourque arrived before orders were made to bring the group's number to seven. Taylor and Continelli had something called a Hot Cap. Sain, in honor of Polish women every where who were dissed by Katz the night before, ordered some pieroggies as an appetizer. (Katz was shocked to learn our waitress was from Poland, because everyone knows only ugly women come from Poland). Lacy braved some jalape�o poppers, and managed not to roll around on the floor in agony -- this time. It was a great meal with great conversation.

Afterward, some stopped at a small ice cream store for a little dessert indulgence.

Instead of taking the same incline down that they took up, the group walked about a mile west to the Duquesne Incline and took that down. A quick walk over the bridge brought them to the park often featured on Monday night football, where there is a fountain at the point that the three rivers meet. Sain disappeared for several minutes. While he was gone, the other owners amused themselves with a contest to see who could throw a red berry into the river and hit a log. Continelli won.

Sain returned and the group started looking for a way out. Lacy, in his effort to relive great moments from conventions past, decided that he and Taylor would take a shortcut that involved jumping a jersery wall and crossing several highways. So the group split up and headed back for the hotel. Taylor and Lacy had an early lead, but in the end, were the last to arrive.

There was rest and relaxation before leaving for the baseball game. Ramey was bouncing off the walls, so excited to see his first MLB game. He wanted to make sure we got there in time to dress the umpires and sing backup on the national anthem.

But a big group never moves quickly and this group now numbered eight with the arrival of Mike Woelflein.

Ramey was able to see the first pitch, but missed all other pregame shows. They sat in the outfield and the game was average. PNC Park, the group agreed, may very well be the finest in baseball. In the second inning a group of Ambercromie and Fitch frat boys filed in and took seats next to the TFLers. They were loud. They were rude. And to add one last indignity they tried to enlist the TFLers help in starting the wave.

But they were cute, something Sain at least noticed. And they were a magnet to some cute girls, something Katz obviously noticed (the man just doesn't do subtle). Just when a young man in a muscle shirt -- who had the muscles to pull it off -- sat down next to Sain, the group decided to leave and walk around the park.

Grrrrrrrr.

They watched the rest of the game as they walked. After the game was over they took a group photo and then took their time deciding their next course of action. They took a long, long time to decide. Finally, when they were ready to go they noticed there were few other people in the park. They also noticed there was only seven of them.

"Where's Katz?"

Everyone shrugged and admitted they hadn't seen him in a while. Ramey called him on his cell phone.

"Where are you?"

"Um, I'm indisposed."

"Katz, are you in the bathroom."

"Um, I'll be five more minutes."

About 20 minutes later ballpark security was ready to kick the TFLers out when they explained they were waiting on a friend who was currently setting the Guiness Book of Records new mark for longest dump.

Just as security was ready to get tough, Katz finally emerged.

In a strategic mistake, the group returned to the hotel instead of going straight to the pool hall for the billiards tournament. That proved to be a 90 minute delay. When they arrived at the hotel they learned the Oakland Raiders would be staying there. In addition to the players, it meant the lobby was crawling with groupies hoping for an autograph.

Just down the hall from the Taylor/Ramey room was the largest suite any of us had ever seen. The doors were wide open and the rumor began that it had to be Al Davis' suite. Just before leaving, Taylor walked down the hall and through the open doors and had a look around. He somehow managed to avoid arrest.

Seven of the eight owners took taxis to the Taj Mahal of pool halls, with 40 different tables on the South Side. Continelli, still recovering from a battle with pneumonia, got sick at the idea of a smokey pool hall. He made the right call as the smoke was overwhelming.

The owners were seeded by Sain. Ramey, the defending champ, and Lacy were Nos. 1 seeds. Sain and Woelflein Nos. 2s. Bourque and Taylor Nos. 3s. Katz and Continelli's spot (now a bye), Nos. 4s.

Here were the results of the double-elimination tournament:

First round
Lacy defeats Katz
Sain defeats Taylor
Ramey defeats bye
Bourque defeats Woelflein

Second round
Consolation bracket
Katz defeats Taylor
Woelflein defeats bye

Winner's bracket
Lacy defeats Sain
Ramey defeats Bourque

Third round
Consolation bracket
Katz defeats Woelflein
Bourque defeats Sain

Winner's bracket
Lacy defeats Ramey

Fourth round
Consolation bracket
Bourque defeats Katz

Fifth round
Consolation bracket
Bourque defeats Ramey

Sixth round
Championship
Lacy defeats Bourque

That makes it sound like things went smoothly. They did not. Any match in which Lacy or Ramey wasn't involved took twice as long as one with. Players kept hitting the queue ball with nothing happening. In fact, it got to the point they were worried they wouldn't be able to finish by the bar's closing at 1:45 a.m.

When Bourque beat Ramey to advance to the championship round, it was 2 a.m. Still, Lacy begged management and they sensed how important the TFL is, allowing one final game to take place.

The owners then flagged down taxis and made their way back to the hotel.

Saturday's plans: Touch football classic and the draft. Mark Dolan is expected to join the group, making it nine of 16 owners present for the draft.

Day 3

There are some TFL convention regulars who are not in Pittsburgh this weekend and everyone noticed their absence on Saturday.

Wit Tuttell is missing his first convention, leaving only three owners who have attended all of them (Lacy, Taylor and Sain). Casey Brogan, Don Carlock and Chris Reidy are other convention regulars not here this weekend.

Each one adds something different to the convention and those who are here know that if they could, their four friends would be here. Just know you are missed.

Tuttell, it seems, plays a huge role in getting this group of lazy men moving. Never before has it taken so long to get the owners actually out the door of the hotel.

After getting back after 3 a.m. Friday, everyone slept in. Most didn't begin waking until noon. When they did, Lacy was in a panic at how behind schedule the group already was and quite certain there was not enough time to get everything done.

Lacy wanted to leave immediately to play the Touch Classic. The owners looked at him with evil eyes, then staged a coup. They were going to eat first. So slowly -- very, very slowly -- all the owners except Lacy made their way down to the restaurant located in the hotel for brunch.

Ken Sain successfully talked the waitress into changing channels on the television to put the Arizona State-Northwestern football game on. He and Continelli pumped fists in the air and scared the other patrons after one long ASU touchdown pass.

The sandwiches were what you expect in a hotel restaurant: tasty and overpriced. Lacy eventually showed up, hoping to move this group along a little faster. He was dressed for football and even brought the ball.

Finally, the owners finished their meals and headed for the lobby. Lacy urged an immediate departure.

"Wait, I have to change my shoes," and two owners left.

There was a 10-minute wait. When they returned, another owner said, "Wait, I need to get some water."

Eventually, everyone was ready and they walked out of the hotel and down the street until the reached Point State Park. If you have ever seen a Monday night game from Pittsburgh, you've seen it. It includes the large fountain that meets at the confluence of the three rivers. The park is right behind it.

For boundaries, the owners used stone paths that were part of the old Fort Pitt site that once called this area home. The paths curved, so for the first time the Touch Classic was played on a curving field.

After tossing around the sides it was determined Sain should try and match up teams so they would be fairly even. Where was Carlock, MVP of so many Touch Classics in the past? Where was Reidy, an all-time QB since he paid a hefty price at the Boston Classic?

Sain put together on one team Three Mikes and a Steve (Mike Taylor, Mike Continelli, Mike Bourque and Steve Katz). The other team was comprised of Scott Lacy, Paul Ramey, Mike Woelflein and Sain. Finally, at 2 p.m. the 10th annual TFL Touch Classic was set to begin.

The Three Mikes team gave the Tall & Slow team the ball first. After looking pathetic on three plays, Lacy hit Ramey with a long pass for the first score.

The Three Mikes answered.

The Tall & Slows answered back, taking a 2-1 lead.

The Three Mikes answered again. There was some defense being played, but never sustained for all four plays. Most of the TD passes were coming on long bombs. Last year's MVP, Mike Continelli, played QB for the Three Mikes. He connected often with Bourque and hit Taylor once.

The Tall & Slows alternated QBs between Lacy and Woelflein. Where was Tuttell, the only TFL owner left with any wheels? Maybe it was good he wasn't there, because no one could catch him.

The Three Mikes had taken a 4-3 lead after finally stopping the Tall & Slows on one drive. Then, adjustments were made. Lacy took over covering arch-nemisis Bourque and Woelflein tried to match Taylor stride for stride.

The second adjustment was discovering Ken Sain. The Three Mikes had ignored the TFL's all-time greatest center the entire game. Every time he went out for a pass he was uncovered as the Three Mikes used three defensive backs to cover Lacy/Woelflein and Ramey.

After driving down to tie the game Woelflein tossed it to Sain in the endzone to tie the game.

On the next drive, Ramey intercepted a Continelli pass to stop the Three Mikes for the first time in the game. Dissension broke out after this failure as Steve Katz chewed out Continelli for not looking his way after he worked so hard to get a 4-yard lead on his coverage.

The Tall & Slows hit Sain on the very next pass, again he was uncovered. Sain attempted to put on some moves that only made people laugh, but he was so open he was able to run it to within five yards of the endzone.

Sain then engaged in some trashtalking.

"I bet NOW you're going to cover me! Leave me wide open all day and I'll kick your ass."

And on the very next play, Sain was covered, but with one less defensive back Lacy easily scored the go-ahead TD.

Time was running out (the group had agreed to stop playing at 3 to get ready for the draft). The Three Mikes tried an interesting play. Mike Bourque is faster than Lacy, but Lacy covered him with one chuck. At one play, Lacy benched pressed Bourque out of the playing field with a chuck. With another, Bourque was trying so hard to get away from the chuck that he ran into a brick wall called Ken Sain. The wall won that battle and Bourque was taken out of the play.

The Three Mikes gave up possession once again without scoring. It was 7 minutes until 3 p.m. and the end of the game. The Tall & Slows decided to go for quick receptions just to run out the clock. But, with Sain being covered it was too easy to score. Lacy caught another TD pass from this year's MVP, Mike Woelflein.

Two years in a row a rookie has won MVP honors.

Lacy was angry at himself because he realized he forgot a camera so there would be no post-Touch Classic photograph for the first time. The group walked back to the hotel, took their showers and prepared for the draft.

Lacy and Sain went over to the draft HQ early to meet Mark Dolan, who had just arrived. Those three set up the draft room and Lacy was as antsy as he has ever been.

"Not enough time. If anything goes wrong ..."

Tuttell's calming influence over Lacy was no where to be seen. Dolan was given the job of charming hotel staff for anything we needed, like a cheaper room rate, an ethernet wire, more chairs, you name it. He was excellent in that role.

Owners began showing up at 7 p.m. and Lacy felt things were beginning to be under control. Continelli had to pick up a rental car and Katz kindly drove him to the agency. They were the last two to arrive after getting lost and having to have hotel staff act like St. Bernard's to save them.

The draft started only a little late and went smoothly. There were some minor hiccups, for the most part Sain and Lacy were able to focus on their teams or the draft experience and not babysitting the draft itself.

Where was Casey Brogan, who kept all owners in a good mood and entertained?

Sain even said this was the most focused he's ever been during the draft and immediate reviews by outside experts proclaimed his Test Tubes the team to beat and the first-ever 14-0 TFL season a possibility.

Owners at the convention agreed that the team that got screwed most by the new "let's count known results" rule was the Alaska Oosiks. Willow took the Tennessee defense in the seventh round just for the 9 points they scored on Saturday. They never would have gone that early otherwise.

"Good," Sain said. "I'm just glad it happened to a loud-mouth supporter of this ridiculous rule like Bingham."

Actually, Sain admitted after the draft that the rule change did not have as big an impact as he feared it might.

"It seemed that a lot of people forgot about those two games and just concentrated on drafting good teams. But, there was an impact. The Titans defense does not go in the 7th round; McMichael doesn't get drafted; and other big performers like Tom Brady probably went a little earlier than they would have. But, c'est la vie."

After the draft was over the group said their goodbyes to Continelli and Dolan. Both were driving back to New York on Sunday. Continelli was planning on watching the Bills game and Dolan was off to visit a friend at a commune before heading home.

While Sain and Lacy packed up their draft gear and chatted with Dolan, the other owners headed off to Primanti Bros. for a late-night snack.

The day was complete. But, there was one moment of the day that deserves special highlighting.

During the Touch Classic at one point there was a disagreement over downs and passes completed. Sain told everyone it was third down and the Three Mikes had completed only one pass.

"Why does Ken always think he's right?" one owner asked.

"I hate to say this," Lacy said, "but he usually is."

We couldn't agree more.

Day 4

The draft had just ended and a large group of TFL owners were heading back to the Omni William Penn Hotel. There were two cars going back, one driven the Mike Continelli and the other by Steve "Kamikaze" Katz. Paul Ramey drew the short straw and had to ride with Katz while Mike Taylor, Mike Woelflein, and Michael Bourque climbed into Continelli's rental.

Ramey will always remember it as the night he nearly died.

"We're driving down the road and coming up quickly on a divider, where the road splits in two. I tell Katz, 'You need to get over to the right.' He doesn't. There's a car coming up behind us real quick on the right. Katz keeps driving for the barrier in the middle, unsure which way to go. At the last minute, he peels off to the right, just ahead of the approaching car.

"But it didn't end there. We came up on another fork in the road. I see a sign that says 'Sixth' and tell Katz to get in that lane. He says, 'I think we're suppose to go that way,' indicating the other direction. Meanwhile he's headed straight for the barrier between the two and only at the last second as I'm throwing my arms up to protect my face and wondering if it is physically possible to kiss my own ass goodbye, he veers to the right again."

Perhaps it was this experience or the fact that the boys had been out until 3 the previous morning, but they did not have the stamina to make a trip to Primanti Bros. They went straight to bed.

"Hey, you know how long it's been since I've been awake at 3 a.m.?" Michael Bourque said.

"Aren't you the father of twins?"

"Um, well, Melissa usually takes care of that ..."

Once again the late night led to the attendees sleeping in. It wasn't until noon before they started gathering for the Sunday openers.

They took two taxis to Primanti Bros. in the Strip District, knowing if they did not make a pilgrimage to this eating establishment an angry editor in San Jose would soon start a "Lacy/Sain/Ramey/Bourque/Taylor/Woelflein Watch" and none wanted that.

Walking in the league's owners were disappointed to see only two small TVs. Both had on the Steelers game. Still, they just knew they had to try this sandwiche Craig Lancaster has been raving about.

When the waiter came over to take the order, Ramey asked about their specialty, the Garbage Sandwich.

"We don't have no garbage sandwich."

"Well, our friend Lancaster told us we have to try the garbage sandwich," Ramey replied.

"Well, that may be what they call them in Lancaster, but no one calls them that here."

Most of the group ordered the Cheese Steaks, the No. 2 best seller on the menu. (Taylor had to ask, what's the No. 1 best seller. 'Beer' the waiter replied.)

Katz ordered a sardine sub and Sain -- in keeping with his theme of honoring ugly Polish women everywhere -- ordered the Kielbasa. Some ordered with cole slaw, some without.

Finally, the moment of truth arrived and the sandwiches were brought to the table. We now know why Craig Lancaster calls them garbage sandwiches.

They take the two slices of thick break, and put everything else between them. The meat, the cheese, the french fries, the cole slaw. Everything.

Reviews were seven thumbs up. The bread is thick enough to keep everything together. Very tasty and Taylor and Lacy even thought briefly of honoring the 1998 convention in Boston by ordering a second sandwich and seeing who could finish it.

Once again it would not have been a fair battle, since Taylor got his with cole slaw and Lacy did not.

After paying, the seven men walked four blocks to the Sports Rock bar they had visited Thursday. It was actually a nice place to watch the games, as long as you didn't order the pizza. It was a bit smokey, but every game was on.

After the first round of games they walked back to their hotel and split up into different groups to watch the afternoon games. Michael Bourque made the rounds to say his goodbyes and quietly left for the airport and his trip home.

However, he didn't leave that quietly. While he was at the airport a reporter for the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review saw him and cornered him.

"Aren't you Limerick Loons owner and two-time TFL champion Michael Bourque?"

Well, that's what the reporter should have said. What he did ask was about the US Airlines bankruptcy filing. Bourque called back to the hotel to instruct owners here to keep a copy of the paper for him if his quote is used.

It was a little after 6 p.m. and some of the owners were getting hungry again. Katz was planning on driving back to Baltimore this night, and was hoping to leave by 8ish. So the group called Lacy to see if he was interested in joining them.

"What, it's only 6:30! Who eats dinner at 6:30?"

"Um, everyone not living in the Lacy household?"

"Can't we put it off to midnight when I normally eat?"

That's unfair. Scott was willing to move his normal dinner time to 8ish, but that would have left Katz out. So, five owners went to get dinner in the hotel restaurant while Lacy continued to watch the games and highlights.

On the way down Ramey discovered the Holy Grail he has been looking for all weekend. A maid was walking down the hall with an ice cooler on her cart.

No recap of this convention would be complete without somehow trying to capture the fanatical zeal with which Ramey has sought an ice cooler. He has searched all the stores within walking distance of the hotel and he has begged anyone with a car to take them to a Wal-Mart [or even to Target if the car's owner had a problem with Wal-Mart] just so they would have a place to keep their beer cold.

If the Knights of the Round Table had looked as hard, they would have found the Holy Grail.

Ramey cornered the poor maid and demanded to know where the ice cooler came from. She replied it was hers. A strange gleam appeared in Ramey's eyes and Sain, who feared he was about to be a witness to a mugging or worse, quickly stepped in and pulled Ramey away before the cooler changed possession.

Down in the restaurant more drama ensued. Katz sat down and began shivering. Pull up the curtain on the Great Vent Controversy of 2004. He called the waitress over and demanded she do something about the vent above him flooding him with cold air. The waitress looked dumbfounded. Finally, Woelflein offered to switch chairs with Katz, either hoping to keep the group from being evicted or to make sure there were no special ingredients added to the food.

Minutes later, Woelflein said that it seemed warm air was pouring out of the vent now and it was actually quite comfortable.

An attractive woman who looked younger than you thought she was, walked into the bar alone. She had bleached blonde hair and tight jeans. She began to flirt with every man in the room, and being the only single woman, found a receptive audience.

Taylor was one of her first targets. They talked football as the Sunday night game began. He was a Broncos fan. She a Chiefs fan. Just a guess, but not a match made in heaven.

But Taylor had competition. A man seated at the next table was trying to get her attention too. And Katz was suffering from whiplash for all the times his head was going back to look at her. If he had stayed in his original seat, he might have been more subtle.

The woman's name was Susan. And it appeared she would not be returning to the hotel room of any TFL owner. A man wearing a suit walked in and took command of the situation. Taylor seemed to lose interest.

But, never knowing when to stop, Katz took his shot. He walked up to her and chatted away. He spent a good five minutes before returning, sans phone number.

The meal was over and the group headed back upstairs to their individual rooms. Katz packed up and said his goodbyes and then began his drive back to Maryland.

What was once nine was now only five.

Lacy also went out in search of food and learned there are no open restaurants in downtown Pittsburgh on a Sunday night. He ended up following the lights over to PNC Park where the Pirates were playing the Astros. Lacy was in a very tight playoff game in the fantasy baseball PHL league with Wit Tuttell. As Lacy approached PNC he heard a mighty roar. He was able to see the jumbotron and saw the bouncing blond curls of Craig Wilson -- a Tuttell player -- as he rounded the bases after hitting a home run. 'Uh oh,' Lacy thought. 'I wonder if that cost me my playoff game.' He found a pizza place next to the park with a window the overlooked the field. The pizza was excellent and he was able to watch the tenth inning.

A little later that night the five remaining owners all met in Lacy's room. Three of the five were the only owners to have been at all 10 TFL conventions. They decided to rank them to see how they each rated. [Results to come from Lacy]

That official business being done, there was nothing left but the goodbyes. All would be leaving in the morning.

The 2004 TFL Convention in Pittsburgh had come to a close. It had some excellent moments, but there is no question it also suffered because of absent friends.

Chris Reidy, Casey Brogan, Don Carlock and especially Wit Tuttell are all vital members of the league. Even if only two of them had been able to attend, it would have made the convention a lot better. But having all four miss it on the same year took some of the joy out of it.