Day 1

For the first time in the Times Football League's storied history, the world's greatest fantasy football league is going international by staging its 13th convention to kick off its 17th year in Toronto, Canada.

And in true TFL fashion, they did so with a bang by nearly creating a major international incident.

There are many owners in the TFL who might be likely suspects for transporting illegal drugs across an international border. Casey Brogan and Mark Dolan jump immediately to mind.

But Scott Lacy? Hell, the big guy pretty much refuses to take aspirin when he has a side-splitting headache.

But the Canadian border officials didn't know that about the Bagdad owner as he tried to cross the border from Michigan to Ontario.

Here's how it unfolded before U.S. Secretary of State Condi Rice had to step in to prevent a war:

Lacy pulled into the queues of cars waiting to be questioned as they enter Canada. As is a normal part of any international borders, officials with specially-trained dogs walk up and down the lines of cars. The dogs sniff around each car, trying to detect explosives or illegal drugs.

When the dogs reached Lacy's car, the dogs started barking like crazy. Soon, a number of guards are approaching Lacy's car with great trepidation. The point the suspicious looking driver to a special area and tell him to pull over there and get out of the car.

When he does they see a tall, unshaven man emerge. He looks just like the kind of thug you would send with a large load of illegal drugs as protection.

Then they look inside his car. He's got two computers, some video filming equipment, loads of cables and wire. It was at this point the officials called in for some backup.

When they asked Lacy what he was planning on doing in Canada, he told them he was on his way to a fantasy football convention in Toronto. This was just too much for the border guards, who would never believe such a ridiculous story.

The drug sniffing dogs went over the car more carefully as the border agents tried to zero in on the illegal contraband they were sure was in the car. One of the dogs sniffed Lacy and started barking and snarling.

Ah hah! He was carrying the drugs on him. The border agents demanded that Lacy hand them over.

Lacy was wearing a T-shirt, shorts and flip flops. He looked at the agents in frustration and said, "Where do you think I could hide them?"

"Glad you asked," one of the agents responded. And out came the latex gloves.

As Lacy tried not to look guilty, an agent got up close and personal with the Bagdad owner, searching every nook of his body for those illegal drugs.

By this time an hour had passed and no drugs had been found. But the drug sniffing dogs were still insisting they smelled something.

Once again the agents demanded to know why a single man in his 40s was entering Canada with all the equipment he was carrying.

"I told you, I'm attending a fantasy football convention in Toronto. I'm meeting some friends there."

"A likely story, eh!"

"No, really. Hey, you can go to our Web site and you'll see we have a countdown to Toronto on it."

Intrigued by this desperate line of defense, a border agent with Internet access proceeded to tflcentral.com and clicked on Trashtalk. There she saw "Countdown to Toronto" right at the top.

But then she did something unexpected. She started typing. And then she hit the post button.

"Canada Immigration here! Mr Lacy may be late!"

Right after that, however, everyone relaxed and it wasn't much longer before Lacy was allowed entry into Canada. We hear Ms. Rice had something to do with that, assuring our neighbors to the North that everyone in the U.S. knows about the TFL and its wonderful history.

So what was behind this incident? What was it the dogs were smelling? Turns out the brother of Lacy's significant other (Karoline) had recently borrowed their car for a little fun with his friends.

And the dogs were smelling the remains of that little party.

Lacy had finally entered Canada and soon reached the excellent Westin Harbor Castle Hotel. Twelve owners from 11 franchises are expected to meet this weekend at that hotel to kick off the TFL's 17th season.

Eight of those owners arrived early enough to kick things off with a dinner at the Harbor Point Sports Grill while watching the first NFL game of the season. Attending were Steve Katz, Wit Tuttell, Casey Brogan, Mike Woelflein, Paul Ramey, Lacy, and Ken Sain. Mike Taylor was the last of that group to arrive, but he made it in time for the second half.

"Met some wonderful Vienna girls on the shuttlebus over here," Taylor said of his ride from the airport. "We talked for a bit. They're here for the Toronto Film Festival.

"Just as I was getting off the shuttle, I asked them if they wanted some Vienna sausage."

The game was interesting and the owners tried to dicipher how it would impact Saturday's draft. Some had suggested Drew Brees might be a first-round pick.

"Not now," they all agreed. Any owner taking Brees in the first round this year opens the season with a locked-in 0 points from their QB in the season opener.

But where would Reggie Wayne be drafted after scoring two TDs? And would Joseph Addai's big night move him up even higher in the first round?

And Casey Brogan, desperate to try and create any buzz about his No. 1 pick at all, hinted he may take Peyton Manning and his three TDs.

Yeah, right.

Once the game was over the owners returned to the Sain-Katz room at the hotel for the annual poker championship. Only five owners play, quite disappointing. Mike Taylor returned to the bars, saying he was going to look for those Vienna women. Paul Ramey went to bed early, worried they may have some sort of weird curfew he didn't know about in this foreign land. And Mike Woelflein toyed with the idea of playing, but quickly backed out.

The game went quickly for Ken Sain, last year's co-champion. He kept on seeing a lot of 2s, 3s, 4s and 5s in his hole cards, and never a pair. He was out after about 15 hands without winning a single round.

Steve Katz, still learning the game, was right behind him. Steve's biggest problem was whenever he had a good hand he would jump up and down, scream "YES!!!" and then run around the table begging everyone to let him bet.

He needs to work on his poker face a little.

It was down to Lacy, Tuttell and Brogan. At some point, each had success during the night. But soon Tuttell was running out of chips. He finally went all in, not really in an effort to win, but it was 3 a.m. and he had been up since 4 a.m. the previous day. He was eliminated.

Lacy and Brogan then began the LONGEST final round in Texas Hold'em history. Don't these guys ever watch ESPN? Every time one of them got a good hand, the other would fold. Neither seemed eager to go all in and end it.

Round after round they kept going, with Lacy maintaining a large lead in chips. Finally, at 4 in the morning and Sain threatening to break the Jim Beam and Patron bottles, Casey went all in and Lacy matched him.

Lacy, the defending co-champ, won the tournament. Then while Sain and Katz tried to sleep Lacy and Brogan argued over if Casey threw it just to end it or not.

Day 1 of the Toronto convention finally came to an end in the wee, wee hours of Friday morning.

Day 2

Friday got off to a slow start as the TFL owners lazed around the gorgeous pool. Many of the attendees at the 2007 TFL Convention showed they were serious about battling middle age by working out in the hotel's guest gym.

Then they relaxed by the pool, hoping for some free WiFi Internet access.

This must be said, that the Westin Harbour Point Castle Hotel is gorgeous and has everything anyone can ask for ... except low prices.

This is a hotel built for business travelers with expense accounts. It is not built for fantasy football owners on a budget. The Westin isn't quite at the point of charging people to walk through the lobby, but it's getting close to that point.

The free WiFi by the pool owners were hoping for didn't materialize, so they were growing bored and looking for something to do.

They found it next door at a little shack on the harbor that excels in delicious gyros at low prices. It's become the hit of the convention.

After a quick lunch, the group was growing restless and looking for some diversions. The Continelli Brothers were on their way and had asked that the group postpone its outing to the Hockey Hall of Fame until they arrived.

But the group said, forget that. The Continellis were not due until at least 3, and the HHOF closed at 5. They wanted time to explore. So, they took off early.

Cynical Ken Sain did not. From what he had heard (from Wit Tuttell), the HHOF was not very good and you could see the entire thing in under 30 minutes.

Sain sat in his hotel room updating the TFL database, waiting for them to return. By 2 p.m. he was sure they would be back. By 3 p.m. he was getting worried, but figured they must be exploring the city. By 4 p.m. neither the Continelli Brothers nor the TFL owners had been heard from and Sain began to wonder if they were all dead.

Finally, the Continellis arrived. There had been a bad accident involving a bus on the QEW, so they had been delayed.

And by 5 the TFL owners had returned, raving about what a great time they had at the Hockey Hall of Fame. Even Tuttell, who had been pooh-poohing the outing all week, seemed to enjoy it. There were interactive displays that let patrons take a shot on goal, or try to block shots.

Rumor has it that Casey Brogan even tried to bring the true NHL experience to the other owners by slamming a number of them into the boards.

Once everyone returned and got settled they decided to plan the dinner outing, plus the annual billiards tournament. Wit knew of the perfect place, one he had visited on a business trip. It was an old Irish pub with pool tables and there wasn't a very big crowd, so the group could get in and relax.

They walked to it, and then arrived at the Irish Embassy (the pub, not the government ambassador). The place was packed and there wasn't a pool table in site.

"I guess things have changed since I was last here," Tuttell said.

They were directed to another place, "C'est What?!?!" just two blocks away. They hiked toward it and were met by one of the snootiest Maitre'Ds you will ever meet.

"There are how many of you?"

"Twelve."

"You have a group of 12 looking for dinner at 7 p.m. on a Friday night?"

"Um, yeah."

"Do you have a reservation?"

"Um, no. Listen, all we want to do is sit down, have some food, and then play a little pool."

"Well, I don't have any tables big enough for you."

"That's OK, most of us don't like the rest of us, so we can split up."

"I don't see how I can seat you. There's a place that might be more your style just accross the street." He gave directions.

"Well, can we come back to play pool after we eat?"

"Do you have a reservation for that?"

The TFL owners left, without a reservation it must be said.

They went across the street to Down One. They walked in and knew it was there kind of place. First, it was nearly empty during the busy hour of a Friday night. Then, there were the seats. The plastic was torn or covered with tape. Then there was the menu. It had two sides with about 8 items on each side. Mostly bar food.

"Let me tell you what we do have, rather than what we don't, it will take less time," our lovely waitress Sharon said.

Turns out that they only had two of the items on one side, and were missing two items from the other side. So basically, the group had to choose from among 10 items or bar food.

The Continelli Brothers looked dubious on the whole matter. They asked others if they really did intend to eat the food here, and when they were told yes, they asked about everyone's health care plans.

When someone suggested getting some Buffalo wings, well, that was just too much for the Buffalo natives. They were quite sure that nothing served here could remotely be considered true Buffalo wings. They figured it was more likely to be wings made from rat meat, as they looked around at the dive and wondered why the group hadn't left yet.

As they waited for the food, Mike Taylor hit upon some inspiration. It was time for a new TFL Convention tradition, the first ever TFL Rochambeau Tournament.

That's rock, paper scissors to the rest of us.

Taylor spend 15 minutes deciding on seeds and a bracket. Then he announced it would be double elimination, best of three. One by one the pairs began to throw.

One early round highlight was the Casey Brogan-Mike Woelflein matchup. The pair both threw the same thing for the first five times. Finally, Case threw paper to cover Mike's rocks, but that was just the start of the controversy. Casey's paper was vertical, not flat. And, it looked remarkably similar to scissors without the fingers split.

Someone mentioned that you could throw this and see what the other was throwing. In a split second you could decide if it's paper, and split the fingers, or rock and keep them together, and no one would know the difference.

There was a lot of yelling and screaming and throwing of things, but eventually the tantrums ended. Finally, after about 20 throws, Casey was able to knock off Woelflein and advance.

And he kept on advancing. Brogan knocked off pre-tournament favorite Mike Taylor in the semifinals and then beat the surprising Wit Tuttell in the championship round to claim the title of what we can only hope will be the last rock-paper-scissors tournament in TFL history.

Now something must be said about Sharon and the lovely people of Toronto. Nearly all the TFL owners agree, this town is filled with gorgeous people. Sain loved that dive bar because there was a birthday party taking place that had about 10 young men, nearly all of them gorgeous, and some clearly gay. And one of the women there was talk with long striped socks and clearly looked like she could break any of the TFL men in half without working up a sweat.

"Just my type," Mark Dolan said.

But Sharon took the prize. She was Asian, had a body most men dream of, and was polite beyong all reason to this group of obnoxious men. She grew up in Israel and was planning on leaving Toronto for Virginia in a couple of weeks to begin her training to be a stewardess.

She was a great favorite with all the TFL owners.

Before the food was served, the Continelli Brothers decided they had had enough. There was no way they were going to subject their bodies to what ever microbes were floating around in the slop offered in this dive.

Moments after they left, the food was served. This must be said, none of the owners were expecting much. They were told there was no chef. The best they were hoping for was something heated up in a microwave that didn't make them sick.

But surprise, surprise, the food wasn't that bad. In fact, some would even say it was good.

They ate with great delight, made passes at the gorgeous waitress and began to look ahead to the pool tournament.

The billiards began and it was the usual suspects advancing, Scott Lacy, Paul Ramey and Mark Dolan. But there was one surprise winner: Mike Taylor.

But Taylor was running out of gas fast. By 9:30, he had had it and could barely keep his eyes open. So he took off for the hotel unbeaten, but having to forfeit his future rounds.

Casey Brogan also left early, make a shambles of Ken Sain's carefully planned out double elimination bracket.

Wit Tuttell was the surpise of this year's tournament. After winning his first match, Tuttell lost and was forced into the loser's bracket, where he dominated everyone.

He eventually beat all the key players and emerged from that bracket to the final against his close friend and convention roommate, Scott Lacy.

But, Lacy brought his A game to Toronto and would not be denied, winning his third TFL billiards tournament in four years.

Day 2 of the convention was over. The play for Day 3 was to meet in the lobby for the Touch Classic at 11 a.m. sharp.

Yeah, right.

Day 3

Mark Dolan woke up early and decided to get out and explore this lovely city.

Boy, is he glad he did. Not too far away he came across an open air market.

"You know, I've been to some of the finest markets in the world, but I have to say, this is the best."

He insisted each of the other TFL owners make it over there before leaving this great town.

But most of those owners were still sleeping while Dolan was shopping.

Anyone who has been to a TFL convention knows there is one lock bet they can make: Whenever the group agrees to meet at a set time, that plan is useless.

With a busy day on the schedule the owners agreed to meet at 11 a.m. for the 13th annual TFL Touch Classic. They were all going to meet in the hotel lobby.

Some even showed up on time. Hopeless optimists.

In fact, Michael Continelli even agreed to join his wife, brother and wife's friend on a 1-hour cruise of the harbor that departed at 11 a.m.

"With this group, we'll be back in plenty of time for the game," he said.

He was not off by much.

Different owners arrived, but then left as they had forgotten something. Some just plain woke up late. After a lot of standing around and waiting by some, the group finally assembled and piled into three cars for a short drive to the park where they intended to play the game.

It was 11:50 a.m.

Once they arrived at the park, there were other problems. The park is next to a water airport, and there was no free parking in sight. So Ken Sain, Continelli and Chris Reidy had to pay $15 each to park their cars, rather than park illegally and risk them being towed.

At this point, it was 12:15 p.m.

Then came the warmups, picking of teams, marking off the field.

By the time the game actually began, it was 12:35.

Mr. Continelli, you should have gone on the cruise with your wife.

Casey Brogan was given the chore of picking two, evenly matched teams. Did I say evenly matched?

Casey put Mike Taylor and Wit Tuttell on the same team for the first time in Touch Classic history. Oh, and then he put himself on that team.

Meanwhile, the other team, anchored by Scott Lacy, was doomed from the start. On their first play, Lacy heard a pop in his calf and had to leave the game with an injury. Paul Ramey was forced in as a super sub.

It took only four plays to discover why Taylor and Tuttell never played together before.

Play 1: Long pass, touchdown
Play 2: Long pass, touchdown
Play 3: Incomplete pass
Play 4: Long pass, touchdown

Mike Taylor started jumping up and down and celebrating and questioning the manhood of the players on the other side. He also bitched about the one incomplete pass and why they didn't score 4 TDs on 4 plays.

That was just too much for Chris Reidy, Continelli, Mike Woelflein and Ramey to take. They started using the cover 2 tactic to prevent the bombs from the speedy Tuttell. And they got physical.

"You know, we probably would have let them keep scoring and having a good time if they weren't such assholes about it," one of them said.

And that's when they went to work. Down 3-0, they rallied. With dink passes and taking advantage of Continelli's laser-guided arm, they were able to come back and make it 3-3, shutting down the other team's offense.

But the Taylor-Tuttell combination was just too much to overcome, and even a brief appearance by Lacy in the second half couldn't save the underdogs, who went down 5-3.

Steve Katz threw the game-winning touchdown, and he hasn't stopped smiling since.

The owners returned to the hotel around 2:15 p.m., having only minutes to take a shower and get dressed if they wanted to head over to the Skydome to see a CFL game.

In the end, no one went. And that's probably a good thing. Sain and Lacy left for the draft with plenty of time to spare, but soon discovered that the main freeway out of town was closed down for construction work.

It took them more than an hour to travel 13 miles to the airport, where the draft hotel was located. After a quick lunch at a wonderful hamburger place, the Bee Stro, they arrived at draft central. It was already 7 p.m.

They tried to warn the others about the closed roads, but the Continelli Brothers had gone to dinner with their women fold and were stuck in the same traffic nightmare trying to get back to the hotel.

In the end, the Continellis left for the draft at 8:15 p.m., when it was scheduled to begin.

Luckily, they took an alternate route that helped them get there in under an hour.

Katz suggested pizza from Pizza Pizza, and it was not a hit with the owners. But everything went well at the draft site once it got started.

After it was over, Mark Dolan treated the owners to a slide show of the photos he took at the Touch Classic. They were incredible. Dolan just may have a future in this photography thing.

Finally, owners began heading back to the hotel at the wee hours. Major highways were still closed once you got close to downtown, but since it was 3 a.m., it wasn't that bad.

Day 3 was over. The Continellis would leave very early to head for Buffalo to watch the Bills play the Broncos. Mike Woelflein would also return home.

But for some, the adventure would continue.

Day 4

It was a very late night for many on Saturday. In fact, after a losing battle against a dishwashing machine and some soap buds, Scott Lacy and Wit Tuttell did not return to the Harbour Castle until 6:30 a.m.

That's the last time they try to help the Residence Inn maid out by doing the dishes for her.

It may have been the final day of the convention for most, but for some it was already over.

Mike Woelflein, attending only his second convention, woke up early to return to Maine. The Brothers Continelli were also early risers, having tickets in hand for the Bills-Broncos game and every intention of arriving early for some tailgate fun.

But for the rest, it was a day to sleep in and recover.

At noon, Commissioner Wit Tuttell led the group in its desire to find a sports bar to watch the NFL games. Because of Scott Lacy's leg injury, they knew they couldn't go far.

So across the street they went, returning to the Harbor Grill they went to on Thursday. There only hope was that this time they would be able to convince the management to take Extreme Fighting in Cages off the TVs and put a few NFL games on.

Oh Canada.

To their great surprise, NFL games were on everywhere. Not only that, but the TFLers had staked out the back corner of the bar, which had nice comfortable couches and free WiFi for their computers. Throw in good food and waitresses that you could spend hours admiring, and they proclaimed this the best location ever to watch NFL games.

Some of the owners were late arrivals. Mike Taylor had a brief, but intense affair with Angelina Jolie. Lacy wasn't sure about this idea of hobbling across the street. And Ken Sain was busy trying to arrange an Internet hookup.

The latter totally freaked out Steve Katz, who was sharing a room with Sain.

"Um, do you have some air freshner?" Katz asked.

Sain still doesn't know what that was all about, and figured it best not to ask.

But finally, all the remaining owners made it to the bar and watched on as their teams played. Mark Dolan was smiling from the get-go, quite certain he had crushed Lacy.

Tuttell and Casey Brogan had secured the best seats and were enjoying every minute.

Usually, when the first round of games end, the group returns to the hotel for a little rest before rejoining for the Sunday night game.

But not this time. Tuttell & Company so enjoyed the location that they remained at the Harbor Sports Grill through the entire second game.

But some did return. Sain struck out on his hookup. Lacy decided to give his leg some rest. And Taylor was desperately seeking Angelina to see if those lips are real.

Before the final game the group made one final trek to the biggest hit of the convention, Alexandros. Is is a shack right next to the hotel that serves what could only be called the world's best gyros. Simply delicious, and cheaper than most food found in Toronto.

TFL owners kept returning and gobbling down the gyros. At one point, the man behind the counter asked Mike Taylor, "Weren't you just here?"

The answer was yes, and he would likely be back. There was some debate over which was better, the pork gyros or the chicken ones. But there was no debate over the best place to get a good, filling and cheap meal in Toronto.

Finally, the owners had filled their stomachs and checked into the Sain-Katz room for the final game. Sain watched Plaxico Burress extend his string of losing the season opener to a sixth straight year, despite the heroric efforts of QB Tony Romo.

But the game ended far too quickly and the owners had only one job left to do, the one they always hated most. Saying goodbye to one another.

What a strange group this band of TFL owners is. When they're together, they are usually fighting and arguing and debating. They may even at times wear on each other's nerves.

But there is something more, too. You can see it when the convention comes to an end and it's time for each to return to their corner of the globe. Those hugs and kind words are genuine.

At least until the next week's games.

Day 5

Well, it may not be the stuff of Hemingway, but I thought since we heard from the only (tfl) human left in Toronto on Monday, and a report on Sunday that hadn't been heard yet, perhaps a Monday Epilogue might be an appropriate offering.

Ken, Wit and Steve left Toronto at about 8:15 a.m. and found the freeway leading out of town blissfully open, after the experience of getting to the draft on Saturday night. Crossing the border was, as Lacy already said, a breeze. They didn't even ask for our birth certificates this time, as they had coming into Canada on Thursday. We somehow approached the Buffalo area on a different road than we'd been on traveling northbound on Thursday, but it did feel good to be back on U.S. soil.

We dropped Wit at the Buffalo airport with hugs and continued on. Steve's first words as he assumed the front passenger seat of the Sain limo were to beg Ken to shift a little more smoothly.

lurch lurch lurch lurch lurch lurch. Jeez, Ken, learn to drive a stick, will you?

At the first available Fudds, it was too early for lunch and they wouldn't have been open. So Ken drove on until, at shortly after 11 a.m., he sighted a Fudds at a rest-and-food complex off the highway, so he and Steve stopped for a bite.

New York and Pennsylvania both offered pretty countryside, but Steve said this was his second trip through the two states this summer, and it might be time to try a different part of the country next year. After one more rest stop, Steve took a turn at the wheel and the 5-speed stick shift of Ken's 101,000-mile Kia SUV.

As a passenger, Katz had suffered as gracefully as possible Sain's singing - a weird sort of a combination wailing and talking that sounded as if you were to train a ... oh, I don't know what type of animal you'd want to name ... to sing. Now, as the driver, Katz had to contend with Sain's snoring in the passenger seat. Best to simply suffer.

Through Pennsylvania's charming hills, he pointed out a road sign for Mansfield, reminding Ken it was the hometown of Tom McMillen, the former Congressman and Rhodes Scholar basketball star from Maryland in the early '70s. McMillen had been on SI's cover way back in the dark ages as the best high school hoopster in America, when Lefty Driesell won a recruiting war with Dean Smith to get him.

Then they went through Williamsport, and Katz wondered if you could see the Little League stadium from the road. There was one small stadium, but that didn't look like it. Next point of interest: the town of Montoursville. Hometown of the Yankees' Mike Mussina.

A stop for gas, and a refreshed Sain moved back behind the wheel. With Katz reading a map, the pair figured out a confusion of regional highways until picking up the familiar 83 heading into Maryland. With about an hour to go before home, they both caught up on some phone calls and talked of what to eat and the status of their games.

Ken dropped Steve off at about 6:50, 10 minutes to kickoff, and drove the 15 or 20 miles to his own place, "the crack house," as he calls it. With no time to eat, Katz watched the first half, mostly in a rage, then went out and grabbed some Chinese food. As most of us know by now, the last few minutes of the game produced even more rage, for Katz from a Raven standpoint, and Sain from a Chad Johnson standpoint.

We hope this travelogue has had some usefulness.

Day 5

reidy at 2:59:22 PM, 9/11/2007