TFL history
Overview
All great stories must have a strong beginning, and the TFL is a great story. In its first season, the league survived a drug scandal; the second year saw one owner leave the TFL to start a rival league and if those weren't tough enough for a fantasy league in its infancy, right before the third season the unifying force that kept the league together fell off the face of the earth, leaving the TFL in jeopardy of dying as well.
But the league still prospers, serving the noble purpose of keeping good friends in contact with each other as we spread across the planet. Four of the current owners live in Alaska, two in Florida, one in Maine, two in Maryland, one in Connecticut, one in London, one in San Francisco, one in Michigan, one in Arizona and one in Denver.
How it began
Ken Sain had been playing fantasy football for four years prior to accepting a job at The Anchorage Times. He began playing in the Republic Football League while working for The Arizona Republic newspaper in Phoenix.
When Sain left the Republic in 1988 for a job in Camarillo, Calif., he knew he would miss what had become a passion for him -- fantasy football. He quickly started a league, the Camarillo Daily News Football League, at his new newspaper. That league grew in the two years Sain led it as commissioner and at last report, was still going strong.
In January of 1990, Sain accepted a job with The Anchorage Times sports department. Again, no fantasy league was in place, so Sain quickly founded the Times Football League. In the early stages, he had to beg people to join, because most had not heard of fantasy football. Today, people are begging to get into the TFL.
Sain convinced 11 other people to join him in the new league. Of the original 12 owners, eight are still in the league. More importantly, 12 of the current 14 owners are former employees of The Anchorage Times sports department -- keeping together friends long after the newspaper went out of business thanks to the efforts of Bagdad owner Scott Lacy.
Recaps of each season
1990 Season | 1991 Season | 1992 Season | 1993 Season | 1994 Season
1995 Season | 1996 Season | 1997 Season | 1998 Season | 1999 Season
2000 Season | 2001 Season | 2002 Season | 2003 Season | 2004 Season
2005 Season | 2006 Season | 2007 Season | 2008 Season |
It was the best of times, it was the . . . well, there were no worst of times. Indeed, in the years since a hulking teddy bear named Ken Sain introduced The Anchorage Times sports department to fantasy football, the year 1990 has attained halcyon status among the league's pioneer owners.
The Times Football League was born, and Sain, the guiding force behind the league, became the TFL's first benevolent commissioner.
The 1990 campaign will be remembered for many reasons: the absolute wretchedness of the Ketchikan Cougars, Narcoossee owner Wit Tuttell's drafting of deadbeat Vinny Testaverde, and the stunning emergence of running back Cleveland Gary as a fantasy workhorse. But the season's most enduring moment occurred in a Week 4 clash between Panama City and Balboa. Trailing by 17 points entering the Monday Night Game, Panama City reserve Derrick Fenner scored three touchdowns -- the final one on an unlikely play-action pass with time running out -- to lead the Penguins to a thrilling 45-44 victory. The game is now known simply as the "Monday Night Miracle."
But Balboa's owner, John Sweeney, proved resilient. Thought dead after a heartbreaking 21-19 loss to Denver in Week 11, the Constrictors won their final three regular season games to edge four teams for the final playoff spot, then breezed past two postseason opponents to earn a spot in the title game. There he met the Netherworld Islanders, who advanced on the strength of Week 9 trade with Ketchikan. The Cougars send Christian Okoye and Tony Zendejas to Netherworld for Eric Metcalf, Donald Igwebuicke and a unconfirmed rumor of a small quantity of marijuana.
Since the drug connection could not be proved, the trade was allowed. However, Sweeney easily won the championship game, 50-35. Each title game since has carried his name.
Final 1990 Standings
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His success in the Times Football League's first season led defending champion John Sweeney to leave the TFL and form a rival league -- the Darwin's Football League. Lured by promises of money and prestige, TFL founder Ken Sain folded the Phoenix Firebirds and entered into an unholy alliance with Narcoossee owner Wit Tuttell, forming the DFL's Times Bandits. Sain did remain as commissioner.
TFL owners Mike Taylor (Denver) and Steve Katz (Baltimore) also moonlighted in the new league.
Other changes were taking place in the TFL: two owners were forced to run their operations Outside of Alaska; Scott Lacy moved his Panama City Penguins to the redneck-infested town of Midlothian, Va.; and Nate Sagan ran his Zeke's Freaks on the days he was sober at the University of Oregon.
On the field, there were other noteworthy developments -- some impressive, others embarrassing. Mike Taylor's Denver Pyles, led by quarterback Jim Kelly, opened the season with seven straight victories and finished at 11-3, to that point the best record in TFL history. Katz, too, made a lasting imprint, though a more dubious one: His eighth-round selection of reserve Cody Carlson became the worst draft pick in the league's history. Even today the mere mention of "Cody CarlsonÓ will send league owners into a laughing frenzy.
Katz did, however, have one shining moment in 1991. In a Week 11 matchup against Dutch Harbor the two teams engaged in a 74-72 shootout that would set numerous league records, some of which still exist 14 years later.
Tuttell's Narcoossee team forged a remarkable season after an unremarkable start. Held to a single point in their opener against Netherville, the Nose Apes won 10 of their next 13 games and advanced to Sweeney Bowl II.
But the 1991 season belonged to a newcomer. Paul Ramey, who had replaced Sweeney, led the Hogtown Halibut to a wildcard playoff berth and a Sweeney Bowl victory over Narcoossee. It was the second straight year the champion came from the wildcard round.
Final 1991 Standings
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It was a year of upheaval. The Anchorage Times folded on June 2, 1992, scattering unemployed Times staffers to the far corners of the United States. The Times Football League, too, was now seemingly defunct. Commissioner Ken Sain, distracted by financial worries and a protracted job search, was content to let the 2-year-old league drift quietly into extinction.
It nearly did -- until Scott Lacy entered the scene. Reluctant to allow the passing of the league, the Panama City owner embarked upon a nostalgic mission to lure former members back into the fold. By mid-August, seven had returned, and new owners filled the five empty slots.
The season itself was memorable on several counts: four of the five expansion teams made the playoffs, stunning veteran owners who viewed the neophytes as easy pickings; Steve Katz's Maryland Mania set a league record by losing their first seven games and finished at 3-11; and Bagdad posted a remarkable turnaround, starting 1-3 before winning nine of 10 games to claim the regular season title.
Just as noteworthy was the miracle run of the Scaggsville Skunks. Mired in 11th place with a 3-7 record, the Skunks reeled off three straight victories and entered the final weekend needing the impossible: a Scaggsville win and losses by Denver, Narcoossee, Alaska and Lincoln. Amazingly, the impossible happened.
The league's third campaign, however, would belong to a pair of TFL virgins: Scarborough's Michael Bourque and East Hartford's Chris Reidy. The pair's inexperience proved unimportant -- as they advanced all the way to Sweeney Bowl III, where Scarborough won 25-18.
Scarborough's celebration, however, would be short-lived. An off-season investigation determined that a tie-breaking rule would have ousted the Stunting Caesars in the semifinals. To this day, Scarborough's title is accompanied by an asterisk.
Final 1992 Standings
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The Times Football League underwent many changes in 1993. Commissioner Scott Lacy uprooted the league's administrative offices and replanted them in Denver.
John Sweeney returned to the league after missing two seasons. And for the first time, the league's 12 owners were realigned into three divisions -- Eastern, Western and Aleutian.
But those were only sidelights. The '93 season will be remembered for Commissioner Lacy's decision to produce the league's first-ever media guide.
The 12-page publication signaled the league's commitment to serving its owners, but not everyone was pleased. Embittered Steve Katz, whose Maryland Mania were maligned throughout the inaugural issue, would later complain that he had been "impugned to high hell" and vowed the next media guide would shower him with accolades for the best one-season turnaround in league history.
Though Katz would be wrong about treatment in future TFL publications, his prediction of an improved Mania team proved prophetic. Embarrassed by a 3-11 finish the year before, a determined Katz guided the Mania to an 8-5-1 record and a berth in Sweeney Bowl IV.
And while Maryland was trounced in that game, the Mania's '93 season is considered the greatest turnaround in TFL history.
Maryland was one of three teams who flourished after being hammered in the media guide. Dugway owner Ken Sain, whom the publication claimed "lacked the faculties to produce a winner," raced to a 9-2-1 start and won the regular season title.
Ditto for Willow owner Van Williams, flambeed for his 1992 selection of John Elway, who won the Aleutian Division title and drubbed Katz in Sweeney Bowl IV. The only problem was notifying the winner. Young Van had given up and left his team for dead with three weeks to go. But the Weasels still had fight left in them, and cruised controlled their way to Willow's only title.
It would not be the only time an absentee owner won the championship.
Final 1993 Standings
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Faced with the task of wedging in too many teams into too few slots, Commissioner Scott Lacy in 1994 did the unthinkable -- he expanded the league to 14 teams, marking the first time in TFL history more than 12 teams would compete for the Sweeney Bowl title.
But that was only one stroke in a massive offseason facelift. Unable to align the league along geographical lines, Lacy discarded regional divisions in favor of ones honoring the late '70s megahit sitcom, "Welcome Back Kotter." The Barbarino, Kotter and Horshack divisions debuted.
On the field, the success of the five expansion teams was the story. Excluding the Broad Street Beluga, which limped to a 5-9 finish, the league's new entries shredded their more experienced counterparts. Marley, Lackawanna and Gaithersburg all posted winning campaigns, but it was the Flint Bison who emerged as the most scintillating of the newcomers. The Bison toppled their first 13 opponents, losing only on the season's final weekend. Though unable to complete the first perfect season, Flint's 13 victories eclipsed the record of 11 by the 1991 Denver Pyles.
Denver in 1994 stoked no memories of the '91 team, but the Pyles thrived anyway. Overcoming a raft of poor draft choices and the perpetual absence of owner Mike Taylor, the Pyles patched together an effective, if not inspiring, championship run. The secret of the Pyles' success? Their random placement in the Barbarino Division, which was held in such low regard one owner unofficially renamed it the "Stinkarino Division."
On the season's final weekend, Taylor departed on a week-long Guatemalan junket -- leaving his football team to squeak out a 56-54 victory. The playoff-bound Pyles finished 7-7, while Narcoossee, 8-6, stayed home.
Riding the arm of quarterback Brett Favre, the Pyles sailed through the postseason and defeated Lackawanna, 30-22, in Sweeney Bowl V.
Final 1994 Standings
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Each season the braintrust of the TFL, Commissioner Scott Lacy and Commissioner Emertis Ken Sain, try to take the league to new frontiers never before attempted. If that was the case, they may have finally reached their limits. The 1995 season saw many firsts, and it may be a long time before anyone tops them.
To kick things off, 10 of the 14 owners met in Orlando, Fla. to conduct the draft at the first-ever TFL Convention. The reunion proved to be a great success and plans were made for a second TFL Convention to take place in New Orleans before the 1996 season.
But that was only one of the improvements to the league. During the summer Lacy and Sain combined their efforts to put together a 40-page media guide that included helmets for every team, past and present. Sain and Lacy produced the first-ever TFL Draft Lottery Video, so owners could watch the picking of the order for the draft as it happened and then mailed it out.
Then, Lacy even topped that by releasing the first product of TFL Films, a 20-minute video about the start of the league: "While Tony Slept: The Times Football League Story."
Still not content with what they had created, the two TFL masterminds put together a web site, so owners and other interested parties could follow their favorite fantasy football league on the World Wide Web.
On the field the TFL also reached new heights. Marley owner Michele Fetsko, who faced much abuse for being the only woman in the league, shut the sexist pigs up by winning the points scoring championship and taking her team all the way to Sweeney Bowl VI. She not only won it, but she scored a TFL record 722 points.
Other teams that had great seasons were the Dutch Harbor Dawgs, who finished with the best regular season record and the Dugway Experiments, who finished third behind the Wailers and Dawgs in a tight points scoring battle. All three teams broke the previous TFL record for points scored in a season.
East Hartford won the woeful Kotter Division and a Congressional panel is looking into the Barbarino Division title won by Bagdad. No one except Bagdad owner Lacy can believe the Newts beat out the Test Tubes for the divisional crown. The key? Dugway lost four games by a total of eight points.
However, the T. Rex Trophy goes to an unlikey winner, Nate Sagan for leading the Anchorage Kitchen to a victory over the Wailers. Sagan completed only his second season in the TFL, proving once again luck beats brains in the playoffs.
Final 1995 Standings
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For the first time in TFL history, all the teams from the previous season returned, showing the stability and maturity of the league.
That might have been the last mature moment of the season.
To begin with, a new man was in charge of the TFL after a successful convention in New Orleans. Baltimore Barons owner Steve Katz took over as commissioner after Scott Lacy's four seasons in the hot chair. He did not keep it long.
TFL founder Ken Sain staged a mid-season, bloodless coup, wrestling control away from Katz and naming himself commissioner.
"I had intended to be the power behind the puppet, Katz, but Steve actually thought he was in charge, so I had to step in," Sain said. "I wonder if Gepetto had this trouble with Pinochio?"
On the field, Sain's Experiments led the league's scoring race from the first week. He also set playoff records for most points scored in a game (88) and highest scoring average in the playoffs (55).
Katz took his demotion out on the league, setting a TFL record by winning five games after he scored 32 or fewer points, considered an impossible accomplishment.
Lacy made a comeback of sorts, no longer troubled by the commissioner's duties. His Newts won the Barbarino Division and the regular season championship, helped tremendously by winning a game in which he scored only 17 points.
The year was also the first for the Pee Wee Bowl, a second postseason tournament for the teams that did not make the playoffs. Chris Reidy's Ex-Eskimos defeated Wit Tuttell's Nose Apes in Pee Wee Bowl I.
The Sweeney Bowl tournament belonged to another unlikely owner. Michael Bourque started the year 1-5 and looked to be the embarrassment he usually is, but did not lose another game, winning the Kotter Division title and beating Sain's powerful lineup in the Sweeney Bowl.
Final 1996 Standings
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It took the lowest-scoring game in Sweeney Bowl history, but hell did indeed freeze over. The Baltimore Barons, whose record of ineptitute and futility has long been chronicled, won the Sweeney Bowl.
The shock you are feeling now is not even close to the shock TFL owners felt, having watched Barons owner Steve Katz draft Cody Carlson in the eighth-round of the 1991 TFL Draft, having watched him set a TFL record with seven straight losses, having watched him set another TFL record (in a different season) by going eight straight games without a victory (0-7-1) and having watched him tie the TFL record for fewest wins in a season (three). All of this proves that there is some force out there determined never to let Charlie Brown kick the damn football while smiling its fortune on those who truly are undeserving.
The key for the Barons to overcome the misdealings of their owners was getting the No. 1 draft pick and taking Brett Favre. Even Katz was unable to screw the season up after that.
The league met in Denver to kick off the regular season, which once again, was dominated by the Dugway Experiments, the TFL's hard-luck team. The Tubes won their first seven straight games and finished with an 11-3 record. Dugway also led the points scoring race most of the season, however, Dutch Harbor rallied in the final game to win that title by four points. Dutch Harbor's Dorsey Levens scored a meaningless TD in the final minutes of the Monday Night Game against Minnesota to give Brogan his first points-scoring title.
Another hard-luck team, the Willow Weasels, finally were able to taste some success. The Weasels defeated Alaska 44-12 in Pee Wee Bowl II, the TFL's tournament for losers.
Final 1997 Standings
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If it wasn't the greatest season in TFL history, it was the most breathtaking.
The fireworks started long before the draft, as owners acrimoniously debated Chris Reidy's controversial Prop. 5, which sought to make head-to-head result -- not total points -- the first tiebreaker in playoff seedings and standings. When the dumpster had cooled, the measure passed by the slimmest of margins, 7-6.
The TFL also bid farewell to two teams -- Michele Fetsko's Marley Wailers and Chuck Coggins' Sarasota Sharks. The franchises were replaced by two familiar faces: Mark Dolan's Arctic Gators, a charter TFL member, and Mike Continelli's Lackawanna Lancers.
All that before the league's convention in Boston or a single game was played.
The season became a weekly game of one-upsmanship. The Ex-Eskimos started 5-0, the Newts 6-0 before meeting in Week 7, an East Hartford victory. By the end of the season, three teams would have 10 or more wins and 600 points, a feat previously accomplished only once in TFL history.
Then came Week 13, when a battle between two longtime TFL rivals, Bagdad and Limerick, became The Greatest Game In TFL History. The Newts got 43 points from Randall Cunningham on Thanksgiving Day, but the Loons would rally for a 98-74 victory that rewrote the record books. The Loons set a TFL record for points in a game; the Newts were the highest-scoring losers in TFL history; and the combined point total was another record.
But when the smoke cleared from this incredible season, one team would stand alone. Reidy's East Hartford franchise recorded arguably the greatest season in TFL history, capping it with a 58-44 victory over the Alaska Oosiks in Sweeney Bowl IX. The Exmos' resume: a 12-2 record, second-best ever; 673 points, third-best; 14 total wins, a record; 266 points from QB Steve Young, a TFL season record; and the first ever TFL Double (regular season and Sweeney Bowl titles). In fact, by losing the TFL's closest scoring race ever, by two points to the Oosiks, the Exmos finished three points shy of the first TFL Triple Crown.
Final 1998 Standings
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The first documented mention of the coveted triple crown came in the Nov. 12, 1997 issue of TFL Today. The triple crown, in TFL lore, is winning the regular-season title, the points-scoring title and the Sweeney Bowl in the same season.
In 1997, Dugway was 9-2 and had scored 49 more points than its closest competition for the points-scoring race.With three weeks to play, it appeared the Tubes had two jewels of the crown locked up. Not since Bagdad in 1992 had a team been that close.
It didn't happen. Dutch Harbor scored 167 points over the final three weeks to sneak past Dugway in points and the Tubes lost in the Sweeney semifinals.
In 1998, East Hartford flirted with the triple crown, winning two of the three and just missing out on points scored.
That left the door open for the unlikeliest of teams, Narcoossee in 1999.
The no-luck Nose Apes had not made the Sweeney tournament for a record seven straight seasons. To extact their revenge, owner Wit Tuttell unleashed the greatest season in TFL history.
Narcoossee jumped out to a 10-2 record before finishing at 11-3, two games better than anyone else. The Grape Apes won the points-scoring race by a single point over Baltimore, which defeated its division rival in a week 13 matchup.
And then Narcoossee cruised through the playoffs to clinch the TFL's first-ever triple crown season.
There was one other notable accomplishment after the league's convention in Las Vegas. Ken Sain's Dugway franchise opened the year with a 4-0 mark, but then lost nine straight games (a record), including one week where the Tubes scored the second-most points of the week.
The most heart-breaking loss came to East Hartford. Dugway held a 19-point lead, but the Vikings defense forgot how to tackle, allowing Emmitt Smith to make up the difference on just two runs in the first half of a Monday Night game. After handing Sain a defeat, Smith left the game with an injury.
The week 9 loss broke Sain's spirit.
"I may do something crazy, like run for Congress," Sain said.
Final 1999 Standings
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.The last time this happened, they wanted to run Steve Katz out of town. "How could that guy walk off with a championship?" the refrain went.
Well, all those in a position to judge had to have liked the progress the Baltimore Barons made in 2000. A league-leading 670 points and their second Sweeney Bowl victory in four years.
Others had impressive years. The 10-4 Denver Pyles. The Dutch Harbor Dawgs of Daunte Culpepper, et al. The Willow Weasels of Jeff Garcia and Terrell Owens, clobbered the Barons in both their regular-season meetings, but did not make the playoffs. The Weasels did, however, cross a barrier in the Pee Wee tournament by becoming the first team in TFL history to score 100 points (111) in a game, only to not win the Pee Wee Bowl.
Dutch Harbor, Willow, Baltimore and Narcoossee combined to make the Horshack Division the strongest in the TFL.
The last-place team had more points than the league's next-highest scoring team at one juncture. All four had no worse than .500 records simultaneously as late as week 8, as well as finishing the regular season that way.
Two divisions to the north, Denver capitalized on great early-season performances by Tiki Barber and Jimmy Smith to run roughshod through the rest of the Barbarino. True to a preseason media projection, Ken Sain's run for Congress led to his team not only falling by the wayside, but being out it from the start.
East Hartford became the earliest team on record to waive its No. 1 draft pick, scuttling Brett Favre after the third week. Bagdad scooped him right up and eventually made the playoffs, despite the Newts' other quarterback, Charlie Batch, getting the start and outperforming the suddenly terrible Favre several times. The Ex-Eskimos charged through the ruins of a 1-5 start and came within a game of the playoffs.
The Barons, for their own part, stood 1-4 after an 89-37 shellacking by the Dawgs, but won seven of their next eight to qualify for postseason play. The Barons went from ninth to tied for fifth on the TFL's all-time team victory list, sharing the fifth spot with Dutch Harbor at 72.
But the highlight of the season may have been at the start, where most of the owners returned to Anchorage, birthplace of the TFL, for the convention. It also marked the first and only TFL Dash For Cash, which had received considerable debate all summer. Mike Taylor proved to still be the fastest, despite telling everyone all year that he was 1. Hurt, and 2. Old and slow. What he forgot was so were the rest of us.
Final 2000 Standings
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September 11, 2001.
The TFL had decided in the spring of 2001 to stage its annual convention in New York City. The NFL decided for the first time in nearly a decade not to open its season on Labor Day weekend. Those two decisions put a number of TFL owners in Manhattan on Sept. 11.
The TFL convention was just winding down when terrorists hijacked four airplanes, slamming three of them into the World Trade Center's Twin Towers and the Pentagon. Scott Lacy, Wit Tuttell, Chris Reidy and Ken Sain were the only owners still in New York, having stayed to watch the first Monday night game together.
Those four TFL owners roamed the streets of Manhattan minutes after the terrorist acts took place. They saw hundreds of New Yorkers lining up to give blood at a mall across the street from the convention hotel; they saw thousands of people walking in a daze -- all heading north, away from the disaster; and always, they saw the cloud of smoke and debris that hung over the southern half of the island where the World Trade Center once stood.
The TFL season began with controversy. Before the draft, defending champion Baltimore traded its first-, second- and fourth-round picks to Lackawanna for its first-, fourth- and fifth-round picks. Even Katz would admit after the season the trade was very one-sided.
Lackawanna began scoring points at a record-setting pace to start the season, but injuries to Rod Smith and Jerome Bettis helped the Lancers limp out of everyone's memory by the time the playoffs began.
Flint won the regular-season title in remarkable fashion. The Bison won most of their games by only a couple of points, and when they lost, they lost big. That led to one of the strangest sights you will ever see in the standings. Flint finished 11-3, but scored 527 points and had 526 points scored against them.
Dutch Harbor won the points-scoring title and appeared to be the best team in the league at the end of the season. Still, when the playoffs began, the Dawgs went quietly. Two teams that hung in the background with little notice advanced to the final: Alaska and Anchorage.
The two teams no one noticed staged the closest Sweeney Bowl in TFL history. Alaska had a 10-point lead going into the Monday night game, but Anchorage got 9 points from the Baltimore Ravens defense to cut the score to 38-37. All the Kitchen needed to win their second T. Rex was 50 yards receiving from Qadry Ismail. He didn't get it, so Alaska held on to win its first Sweeney Bowl title.
Final 2001 Standings
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Things returned to normal ins 2002 after the landmark season of 2001 that began with a terrorist attack at the TFL Convention site. Sort of. Other events convinced the casual fan the TFL world had been stood up on its head.
The owners kicked off the season with a convention in Chicago, but timing may have made it the worst convention yet. The NFL granted ESPN the right to broadcast the season opener on a Thursday night. The TFL moved its draft up to Wednesday, but it took only one convention to realize a mid-week convention was not going to work.
The league also expanded to 16 teams, welcoming in Jeff Houck's Tampa Bay Houck-a-Loogies. For the second expansion team, the owners decided to bring back the Marley Wailers, once again adding a much-needed female touch to the league.
Ken Sain's Dugway Experiments dominated the league once again and would go on to win their record third regular season title. Led by running back Priest Holmes, who had the best season of any RB in league history, the Mighty, Mighty Test Tubes couldn't be stopped. Dugway opened the season with a nine-game winning streak, the second-longest in league history. But, after years of excellence, that was to be expected by Sain.
What was not expected was the team that joined Dugway as the team to beat in 2002. The Arctic Gators. Yes, the whipping boy of the TFL. The same team that holds records for the number of times it won only three games in a season; for lowest points scored in a season; for lowest points scored in a game (hard to score less than zero). Those Arctic Gators.
Mark Dolan's team opened up the season with an eight-game winning streak, matching Dugway win for win. However, because of the expansion, this would be the first time ever teams did not meet every opponent during the regular season. And Dugway and Arctic were not scheduled to play each other. So, the only way it could happen would be in the Sweeney Bowl.
While Dolan was giving credit for his success to some drug called 'whupass' that he was feeding his opponents, there were other developments in the league. The Houck-a-loogies deliberately started injured players and threw a game, allowing Dolan to win on a week most thought he should have lost. Commissioner Sain blew several gaskets and there were many angry words exchanged. Houck became angry, saying he should be able to lay down and roll over like Democrats in Congress if he wants to. Sain complained it destroyed the competitive balance of the league. In the end, as he usually does, Sain won. Houck resigned, storming off in his semi-monthly tiffs and former Hogtown owner Paul Ramey became a caretaker owner, narrowly guiding the Loogs into the playoffs.
Dutch Harbor once again won the points scoring title and a four-way tie for first in the Spenard Division to get into the playoffs. Dugway was the regular-season champion, posting a franchise-best 12-2 mark. Other playoff teams were Lackawanna, Arctic, East Hartford and Baltimore.
In the playoffs most teams had just resigned themselves to a Dugway crowning party. But then, Holmes hurt his hip and the Tubes had quarterback problems. And as so often happens in this league, the best team failed miserably in the playoffs. Not so for the shocking Arctic Gators. They put together a strong playoff run and won their first Sweeney Bowl championship.
Let's review. The Barons have won two Sweeney Bowls. The Laughing Loons two. The Kitchen and the Weasels one each. And now the stinking Gators. There is no justice in this world.
Final 2002 Standings
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Another season brings more change. Michelle Fetsko, owner of the Marley Wailers, leaves the league for a second time. So the TFL officially had two vacancies to fill. Paul Ramey was granted an expansion franchise after taking over the Houck-a-Loogies in 2002. And for the second expansion team the league awarded Mike Woelflein a franchise, which he named the Penobscot Wolfpups.
The league kicked off in grand style with a convention in Buffalo. The two Lackawanna owners took on the role of hosts, since it was their hometown. Let's ignore the fact neither of them lives there. They treated the owners to what many would call the best convention ever.
On the field, things would get strange. Very strange. For starters, the Dugway Experiments suffered through a bizarre 3-11 season. Add to that it was two also-rans who turned out to be the dominating teams of the year: Alaska and Arctic, still unleashing its Whup-Ass brew. Both finished with 9-4-1 records, but Alaska had the tie-breaker and took the regular-season title.
Lackawanna, once again, was the most feared team, scoring a league-best 614 points. But that was only good for a 7-7 record, as the Lancers' usual luck in points scored against failed them for one season. So despite leading the league in scoring, Lackawanna failed to qualify for the playoffs for the first time in franchise history.
But the strangest development of all were the Bagdad Newts. There are few things in the world you can count on, but one rock solid bet is the Newts will suck in December. Despite making the playoffs many times, Bagdad has been flat awful when it counts the most, including an 0-11 start in playoff games.
Not so in 2002. The Newts started with a 1-5 record, but won seven of eight to make the playoffs. And once there, they could not be stopped, blasting Hogtown 46-21 in Sweeney Bowl XIV.
Final 2003 Standings
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You have to be kidding, right? The team that couldn't win in December now can't be beat, as the Bagdad Newts became the first TFL team to win back-to-back Sweeney Bowls.
The season got off on an innocent enough start, with many of the league's owners meeting in Pittsburgh for the annual convention. Denver's Mike Taylor began to worry this annual tour of the Rust Belt would never end. You should have seen his eyes roll when it was announced the 2005 convention would be staged in Cleveland.
On the fantasy field, 2004 saw the best and worst, all in the same season. Peyton Manning's record-breaking season helped Penobscot score an incredible 795 points, shattering the league record of 722. The Wolfpups finished at 10-4, clinching two of the triple crown jewels (points scoring and regular season titles).
No team in TFL history has finished a season with fewer than three wins. Not the Maryland/Baltimore franchise, nor even the Arctic Gators. Teams that have been so bad that you wondered each week if they might get shutout still found a way to earn three wins.
Not anymore. And what's even more shocking is the team that went an entire 14-game season and only won a single game. The three-time regular-season and one-time points scoring champion Dugway Experiments.
It wasn't as if Ken Sain quit trying. In fact, he battled in every game. The Tubes scored more than 37 points (considered to be the median TFL score) five times, but lost each of those games. Their lone win came when Dugway beat Limerick 19-8, so Sain just missed the league's first-ever 0-14 season.
Sain's bad luck came no where near Scott Lacy. His Newts were 9-4-1 and advanced to the title game, where they were huge underdogs to the powerful Penobscot lineup. However, Manning sat out most of the game to prepare for the Colts' playoff run, and Bagdad was able to sneak away with an asterisk-stained title.
Final 2004 Standings
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Karma finally caught up with Bagdad's Scott Lacy in 2005, and slapped him around with a 3-11 record, worst in franchise history. Lacy would later notice that his worst seasons come when he begins a new romance. At the start of this season, when the league's owners were meeting in Cleveland for the convention, Lacy was starting a new fling with Karoline.
The 2005 season will go down as the year no team stood out. A record five teams finished with 9-5 records, including three of them in the same division (Gambell).
Anchorage started the year at 2-2 and for most of the season few paid notice of the Kitchen. After the Week 12 games, TFL founder Ken Sain told Scott Lacy that he should keep an eye on the Kitchen. "They're the hottest team right now," Sain said. Once again, Sain proves he is the Greatest Fantasy Football Mind In The Galaxy, as Anchorage closed the year with an 8-2 mark to take the regular-season title.
Once they reached the playoffs, Anchorage continued its winning ways, blasting Penobscot 52-40 in the semifinals and defeated Limerick 36-16 in Sweeney Bowl XVI.
The Pee Wee Bowl celebrated its tenth anniversary by allowing one of the league's biggest losers and a fixture on the Toilet Roll, the Baltimore Barons, to win their first championship of the tournament for losers.
Now if that's not poetic, I don't know what is.
Final 2005 Standings
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Every league needs its Every league needs its villains, you know the team everyone roots against., you know the team everyone roots against. For most of the TFL's history, that team has been the Dugway Experiments, owned by TFL founder Ken Sain. The reasons are many: First, Sain was obnoxious enough to claim the title "Greatest Fantasy Football Mind In The Galaxy," despite never having won a league championship in 20 years of playing fantasy football; Second, Sain's teams have had some success, winning three regular-season titles and a points-scoring crown and everyone hates success; but mostly it is the never-ending whining. Sain can never accept a defeat without some sort of grand conspiracy by the planets, or gods, or the universe. Sain's "Woe Is Me" mantra has been boring owners for decades.
During the 2003 to 2005 seasons, Sain experienced arguably the worst stretch in TFL history with 3-11, 1-15 and 5-9 seasons. And the rest of the league enjoyed Sain's misery. But, truth be told, the league is stronger with its villains. No one likes to watch a good guy battle another good guy. They want to see good conquer a worthy evil opponent. And in 2006, they got their wish as Sain's Mighty Mighty Test Tubes were back in top form.
Dugway blew away the rest of the league behind the LaDainian Tomlinson's greatest season in fantasy football history to capture its second points-scoring championship. There was just one riddle that eluded the Tubes: The Bagdad Newts.
Scott Lacy's Newts have consistently been good, but had never had a great season. The best they have managed were a respectable 10 wins. While other teams would win 11, 12 or 13 in a year, the Newts never crossed that border, until 2006. Bagdad went 12-2, beating the hated Dugway Experiments three times during the course of the regular season and playoffs. And it came just after Bagdad's worse season ever, a 3-11 laugher in 2005.
The year began with the annual convention, this time held in the warm weather of Phoenix. While 'Zonies Sain and Michael Continelli of the Lackawanna Lancers told everyone how mild the heat was, Steve Katz proclaimed he must have taken a wrong turn and ended up in Hell. He did more bitching about the heat than Sain ever did about losing a game.
For most of the year the power was in the Sourdough Conference, as Bagdad, Dugway, Denver and Narcoossee kept on piling up wins while no one could stay hot in the Cheechako Conference. Finally, near the end of the season, the Willow Weasels emerged to clinch one playoff spot, while it seemed the rest of the conference was heading for 7-7 records.
In the regular season's final week the drama was intense. Dugway and Denver were both 8-5 and playing each other. Only one would advance to the playoffs. Narcoossee was fading and Limerick surging. Could the Grape Apes hold off the Laughable Loons? Gambell powerhouses Penobscot and Lackawanna faced off with nothing less than the division title and playoff berth on the line. And Paul Ramey's Hogtown, pretty much on cruise control while their owner ignored fantasy football, were threatening to make the playoffs with a sub-.500 record. And that's just what he did, despite starting a kicker who was booted out of the league in one important game. The Halibut lucked into a 6-7-1 record despite scoring the fewest points in the league (392). They won games with 19-18 and 20-18 for that record and a playoff berth.
But when the playoffs came, it was little more than a long-overdue coronation: The Lackawanna Lancers could not be stopped. Lackawanna, which has been the most dominant team in the TFL since their entry, won its first league title, besting Lacy's Newts. The Lancers had been to two previous title games, losing both. They had made the playoffs an unheard of eight times in nine seasons (and the one year they missed they were the points-scoring champion) and own the league's best winning percentage, .633. With a title now in hand, few can argue against the fact that the Lackawanna Lancers are the best team year in, and year out, of the TFL.
As for the villain Dugway Experiments, something changed. When Sain lost his title game, there was no public whining. The usual WIMs that come with every Sain defeate disappeared about mid-season and so far have not returned. But that doesn't mean the whining is over.
The new Whiner in Chief is Scott Lacy and his Bagdad Newts. There was so much whine in his "congratulations" to his opponent in the Sweeney Bowl that it had other owners looking around for the cheese. And the violin. Lacy was competing for his third Sweeney title in four years and took the defeat harder than any team in recent memory. Rumor has it good friend Ken Sain ordered a private detective to keep a watch on Lacy, fearing he might jump off the Golden Gate Bridge.
The 2006 season is over and in a bit of a confused shape. Are the Tubes still the villains they once were, with Sain remaining quiet. Or are there new villains in Bagdad, Ariz. still struggling to accept nine-point Sweeney Bowl defeat?
Final 2006 Standings
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Truth be told, Scott Lacy -- the Bagdad Red-bellied Newts owner -- is a bit of a wimp. Well, that might be pushing it for a guy of his size (6-foot-8) and strength (about the only person around who can put Bulldog Casey Brogan down). But he can get mighty sentimental, which is why he was dubbed a lesbian trapped inside a man's body (these straight men obviously don't know too many lesbians).
Above all else, Scott loves his traditions. So it was with great sadness that 2007 began with the departure of one of the longtime teams. Van Williams, only days before the season was set to begin, announced he was folding up the Willow Weasels and leaving the TFL for good. Willow had competed in 14 of the TFL's 17 seasons to date and won the Sweeney Bowl in 1993 (although he wouldn't learn of it for a year). Yes, some thought that Van had left long before he actually did, since he rarely stopped by and said hello. But, he was part of the TFL family and any time any of them leave it's sad.
With only days to replace him, Commissioner Wit Tuttell decided on an accelerated process. A few outstanding candidates stopped by and just as everyone was settling on Doug Kaufman, a friend of Scott Lacy's, to replace Van, longtime Trashtalk regular Craig Lancaster threw his hat into the ring. Lancaster had long been thought to be a leading contender for any opening, since he was already a Dumpster dweller. But, every time he has been approached in the past, he said he wanted nothing to do with fantasy football.
Once Lancaster threw his hat into the ring, it was a foregone conclusion, and even Doug Kaufman could see that. So Craig Lancaster formed the Billings SlobberKnockers to be the TFL's 28th team. It was a nice start and everyone thought it would go on for quite a while. But by the end of the year, Craig was doing his Jimmy Durante imitation, singing "Should I stay or should I go?" But more on that in 2008.
On the field little had changed. Arctic was once again using smoke and mirrors to astonish the experts with a 10-4 season. The Anchorage Kitchen, which usually is very good or very bad, was having a good season, going 10-4. But the Narcoossee Nose Apes were once again the top team during the regular season. Would they pull off a triple crown again?
No. Arctic won the points scoring title, scoring an impressive 757 points, mainly based on taking QB Tom Brady with the fourth pick (which nearly every other owner at the draft said was a huge mistake). Maybe Mark Dolan does know something about football. Or, maybe a million monkeys at a million typewriters ...
Dugway joined Anchorage, Arctic and Narcoossee as division champions. But it was little old Limerick that snuck into the playoffs on the final weekend and then became the giant killer, knocking off Dugway and then Narcoossee to advance to Sweeney Bowl XVIII. Meeting them there was the Anchorage Kitchen, led by Brian Westbrook and a bunch of people no one has ever heard of.
This was the first meeting in the Sweeney Bowl of two-time champions, meaning one team would be the first to win three Sweeney Bowls. And shockingly, that honor would go to Anchorage, a team that has spent many seasons on the Toilet Roll for lowest winning percentage. The Loons, who had scored 56 to knock off Narcoossee, managed only 16 in the biggest game of the year.
As for the expansion team, Billings, they went 3-10-1 and were one of two teams so pathetic they didn't even qualify for the Pee Wee Bowl. Craig Lancaster announced he was out. No wait, he was in. No wait, he was out. No wait ....
The end of the 2007 season also became a turning point in the life of the TFL. East Hartford owner Chris Reidy, one of the strongest voices and a man who is loved by nearly everyone -- even his arch-nemisis Ken Sain -- announced in early December that he had been diagnosed with colon cancer. He tried to paint a rosy picture for his friends and keep their spirits up.
But as the months passed, it became obvious to all that the cancer had spread too far. On March 19, 2008, our friend and fellow TFLer, Chris Reidy died.
The 2007 season began with sadness, and ended with overwhelming grief. The league will no doubt go on, but it will never be the same.
Final 2007 Standings
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Put a few drinks in the TFL owners and get them talking about the greatest team in TFL history, and then get out of the way. The argument will be loud and illogical. Every owner has that one team he recalls as his best, and won't listen to any who disagree. But Wit Tuttell always had a trump card he could play when the debate began. His 1999 Nose Apes were the only team in TFL history to win the Triple Crown (Sweeney Bowl champions, points scoring champions, and regular season champions).
But that's not true anymore. The 2008 Dutch Harbor Dawgs became the second TFL team to win the Triple Crown, and did it by blasting nearly any team that stood opposite of them. There may be no more future debates about the greatest team in TFL history, because it would be hard to deny the 2008 Dawgs.
Let's start with the DH lineup. QB Jay Cutler finished third in the TFL in 2008 with 177 points. RBs Steven Slaton (perhaps the best draft pick in TFL history) and DeAngelo Williams both finished among the top 10 running backs in 2008 with a combined 179 points. His WRs were Larry Fitzgerald and Randy Moss. Fitzgerald finished third among WRs in scoring. If Tom Brady hadn't been injured to start the year, it is truly scary to think what Moss would have done and how it would have made the Dawgs an even better team.
As it was, they were more than good enough. Dutch Harbor was 12-2, two games better than runner-up Penobscot in the regular season title chase. The Dawgs scored 691 points, 14 points better than Penobscot to claim the points scoring crown. And that was just the tune up. Dutch Harbor rolled over all opponents in the playoffs, average 67 points a game on the way to winning Sweeney Bowl XIX.
Even in the two losses Dutch Harbor turned in decent games, scoring 32 and 34 points. The loss to Hogtown was 36-34 and to Cary was 40-32. A couple of breaks and this could have been the first perfect season.
So let's do the side-by-side comparison in the great debate on the TFL's all-time best team, comparing the two Triple Crown winners:
2008 Dawgs, 12-2; 1999 Nose Apes, 11-3
2008 Dawgs, 691 points; 1999 Nose Apes, 596 points
2008 Dawgs, 67 ppg playoff average; 44.5 ppg playoff average
Folks, it pains us to say it, but the great debate on all-time best TFL team is over. At least, until someone wins the Triple Crown with a perfect season.
In other season's news, it was the final campaign for the East Hartford Ex-Eskimos franchise, one of the bedrocks of the TFL. Steve Carney ran the Ex-Mos' for his best friend, Chris Reidy. Chili drafted a number of legacy players who had been regulars on the Ex'Mos rosters for years. They got the team off to a quick 7-2-1 start to lock up a playoff berth. East Hartford ended its final year in sixth place.
Carney impressed enough owners that he was given a team of his own, the Long Beach Scrub All-Stars, who will begin play in 2009. And as a reward for the greatest season in TFL history, Casey Brogan and his Dutch Harbor Dawgs were rewarded with a promotion to the Sourdough Conference. No more beating up on the weak sisters of the TFL. From now on Casey will have to bring his A game every week as he battles the giants.
Check out his schedule to open 2009:
After wiping the field with two weaklings from the Cheechako (Cary and Hogtown), Casey faces the Greatest Fantasy Football Mind in the Galaxy and his Dugway Experiments, then two-time champion Scott Lacy's Bagdad Newts; followed by his first taste of Muldoon Division play, the other Triple Crown winner Narcoossee, then two-time champion Limerick, then two-time champion Baltimore. Sorry, no rest for the weary, it's off to Alaska to face the usually tough Oosiks and then a home matchup vs. the perennially great Denver Pyles. Casey, you're not in Nebraska anymore. There are no Willow Weasels, or Anchorage Kitchen, or Arctic Gators or Flint Bisons or Cary Big Sticks or Hogtown Halibut to fatten up on in the Sourdough. You'll have to earn your next Triple Crown.
Final 2008 Standings
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