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Flint Bison |
Owner: Don Carlock
Hometown: Flint, MI |
 Taylor and Lacy are hated for their smugness. Carlock is hated for his good fortune. It is not fair for a man to be lucky at cards, love and fantasy football, but somehow, Carlock has pulled it off. For example, Carlock bought his first football magazine for the 1994 season two rounds into the draft. Despite being unprepared, he won 13 straight to set a league record. He shows up at the TFL Convention in 1996, and wins enough gambling on the riverboats to pay for his trip. And if you have ever met his wife, Tina, you would know she is way too good for him. It's just not fair. |
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Charles has been in Alaska since the Ice Age, but that doesn't necessarily mean he gets cold there. You might have heard of the Great Alaska Bush Company, a well-know strippers' joint in Anchorage. One of the classic lines in TFL lore was penned by the late Jeb Jenco: "Charles Bingham held out for most of training camp, feigning disinterest while shopping at Carrs for pro football magazines and studying them nightly at the Bush Company, where he seldom goes but is often seen."
Nate was the only owner in the TFL this year who could claim he made the playoffs every year he's been in the league, until 1997. Perhaps showing up at the TFL Convention in Denver and drafing in the same room with the truly great TFL owners, like Ken Sain, was too much for the poor lad. Sagan led the Kitchen to the Sweeney Bowl title in 1995, recovering nicely from his college years -- which he spent in a drunken stupor. Sagan began college at the University of Oregon, using Wit Tuttell's I.D. to buy booze. However, when Oregon officials got Tuttell's transcripts, they booted him out.
With Mark Dolan back in the league after an 7-year vacation, TFL owners are busy tightening up loopholes. Dolan in famous for his ability to stretch the rules into any direction that favors him and his Gators. Still, his teams have never had a winning season and the thought here is that streak will continue for quite some time.
If there is a more celebrated owner in the TFL, we don't know who it is. Lacy's skill as an owner is considerable, and his humanity even greater. You can usually find Lacy in the Trashtalk chat room, where he modestly deflects attention from his unprecedented back-to-back Sweeney Bowl campaigns in 2003-04. Lacy is such a good guy he continues to associate with Dugway owner Ken Sain, a career underachiever who has never held aloft the T. Rex.
When you say beleaguered, you've said Baltimore. The early years: three
playoff runs, including one Sweeney Bowl berth, and rotten luck otherwise
despite two No. 1 draft picks. But what the Barons lack in the
regular-season sizzle that others claim as steak, they make up for in two
T-Rexes over a four-year span and a dizzying, 10-5 playoff record. Behold
the collective Mr. October of fantasy football.
Coming a close second to Lacy in smugness is Mike Taylor, who has never let a chance to compliment himself go by without comment. Taylor has turned one glorious season when Jim Kelly carried his team to an 11-3 record, into many so-called milestones. However, Taylor has had only one winning record since that 1991 season. He also demands we mention his 1994 Sweeney Bowl title, which he won while his team was leaderless. Fittingly, Taylor was on vacation at the time. His only true accomplishment is the ability to go 7-7 each year and be of little concern to the truly great owners.
Speaking of truly great owners, we come now to the beloved founder of the TFL, Ken Sain. All experts agree Sain is the greatest fantasy football mind in the galaxy. His record A.D. (After being dissed by Lacy and Taylor) is the best in the league. Opponents look first at the schedule each year to see when the game with the Experiments is, knowing it is their biggest matchup. Unfortunately for most, it will be a loss. The only problem Sain has is his humble nature in the land of TFL Egomanicas -- Lacy and Taylor.
In his quest to filch inside info from his TFL rivals over the years, Brogan has kissed more ass than Eddie Haskell on Parent-Teacher Night. Now, after taking the blue pill on July 14th, Lil Bro will need to double up on the Blistex. A long summer of heeding his beautiful bride will no doubt leave Brogan slack-jawed and confused when he cracks his first fantasy mag on the afternoon of Sept. 4. Cinch up those pants, boys.
Never has the return of one owner to the TFL caused so much fear from other league owners. Could it be because of Continelli helping to guide Dugway to the regular season title in 1993? Or leading his own Lancers to the points scoring championship in 1994? No. The real reason 12 of the other TFL owners fear Continelli is because he learned from the best: TFL founder Ken Sain, the Greatest Fantasy Football Mind in the Galaxy.
At one time Bourque was the most feared owner in the TFL. He won the Sweeney Bowl in his first season. After three years, he led the league in winning percentage and playoff appearances. And then, it happened. Michael got domesticated, marrying his long-time girlfriend Melissa. Since then, Bourque set another record, biggest collapse in a season, going from the top of the Honor Roll all the way to the Toilet Roll in one year. He's living proof that a man should never get married the week of his fantasy football draft.
When it comes to keeping secrets, trust Tuttell with anything in the CIA vaults. Brogan, playing his dumb little brother act, tried to get Tuttell to reveal his pre-draft plans at the TFL Convention. In six years of playing fantasy football and baseball, Tuttell has never given away any details to rival owners. Of course, that's probably for the best. Tuttell's record is one other owners would rather avoid.
Paul Ramey returned to the TFL fold in the summer of 2003 after assuming control of the Tampa Bay Houck-a-Loogies over the last seven games of the 2002 season. The 1991 Sweeney Bowl champion, Ramey's Halibut must prove the game hasn't passed them by in the 12 years since they last played TFL football.
Mike Woelflein's Fantasy Football career does not inspire great confidence. He has been an owner for just one season, and managed a three-win season in 1999 that started 0-6. He actually managed to draft both Rob and Brad Johnson at the time. Now he steps to the mighty TFL, and pundits are wondering if we EVER win a game. He'll likely be unprepared for the draft and hopes that maybe people will be nice to him because he's the "new guy."
Steve is new to the Times Football League, replacing our beloved and departed friend, Chris Reidy